I don't really have that any irrational fears. While the sight of spiders have me shivering for hours after it's killed, my juvenile frights end there. I am more afraid of the terrifying things that are prevalent in life. My biggest fear that possibly everyone in the the world has is loneliness. It might not seem like it but I hate being alone. I don't make friends easily so when I do make friends they become very close to me and I have a hard time letting them go. There's a chance I could spend the next last two years of highschool, that are supposed to be exciting and memorable, alone by myself. My bestfriend who I have known since kindergarden and been my closest friend since the 6th grade moved to a new school. I was deeply hurt when I found out. 

For the first time in my life I am jealous. This is a feeling I've never genuinely experienced before. I hate it. She applied to a school literally 15 minutes away and got accepted. The biggest problem isn't that she won't be attending the same school as me (although that is important) but what school it is. It's a way better school than mine. It's a huge school with lots of kids and lots of activities and opportunities. My school is on the downside of public education while her's is on the high end. She is at a school with new faces and new experiences yet I'm stick the the same low achieving crap district I've been in all my life with the same people and limited opportunities. 

Well all this won't matter in 5 years, as they say. What about your other friends??

As of now I am the only one out of my little clique of friends who is definitely 100% planning to graduate from the school. I keep asking them when are they going to move but they don't know. It's driving me crazy!! The thought of one day being alone scares the living hell out of me. I fear the unknown. The thought of everyone happy at different schools and I am stuck at my same old school is not a good feeling to swallow. Honestly, I don't want to move schools. This might be selfish of me but I want all of my friends to stay. Forget better education and nice kids. JUST STAY!  But I know that's impossible. I talked to my friend today about her first day. She seems to like it there so she won't be coming back. Is it wrong that I didn't want to hear a word of it?? It angers me. It''s dull and I cover it up with jokes but it's there. I feel that I should be the one at that school since I'm smarter, to be blunt. I believe that eventually she will make new friends and develop a superiority complex and will stop talking to me. Or I stop talking to her because I don't want to hear about her school life while I am depressed.

I have a feeling I will become depressed if things go the way I'm assuming. This is not a year for me to get depressed. This is a crucial year for me. I will take the ACT. A test that will decide my collegic future. I don't have time to think about such things as someone's school life or how crap mine is. But I can't help it. I'm a worry worm, a deep thinker.

Why is the universe against me?? I feel like I'm always being tested. Sometimes I feel like I have no right to feel this way, which is why it took me so long to write this. It's been on my mind since she told me she was leaving back in June. I could no longer dismiss it. Today I lived it. I am healthy and so is my family (knock on wood) I'm in the middle class. I eat 3 meals a day. I have a roof over my head. Despite losing my best best friend I do have friends (though not as enjoyable and close) I should consider myself as blessed. Maybe I'm just being dramatic. All this won't matter in 5 years, as they say. When you are at college it won't matter where you came from. Only where you are headed, right??

With my crap luck the only way I'll survive with some extreme endurance, Kpop and headphones, and not worrying so much. The first and last one sound hard as hell.

[Sorry for the rant X3 If you read all of this I love you so much <3]

The only thing I can say now is...

FIGHTING!!