I think I have over shared my life. Hahaha. But it doesn't matter. The thing about secretseven is it was never meant to be me. An anonymous me, without dumb filters, because my writing has always been my wings. I could say anything.

And because IRL I am already swearing hudloom, partially suspected of being a psychopath, here I am openly depressed and hopeful. Yes, depressed and hopeful, because hope is the tiest thing to have when you're down bottom. You think that there are good days ahead, you want to believe in things like bravery, and strength and endurance, and in the distance, you believe you are smart even if you think you can be incredibly dumb.

These days I am having a really bad time writing. Because sometimes I feel like I am my writing, rather than an expression. It becomes me, whole and encompassing, and they always seem dumber than I ever want to be.

I dream of grandeur.

Of never ever feeling stupid again.

Of being someone who can speak and not ashamed of who my words make me.

But most days I want to remember that I make the words and words don't make me.

Sometimes that's what I want.

Lately, I've been toying with the idea of quitting fanfiction, because it is too indulgent, because if I write anything shouldn't every writing be about getting me out there in the printed world. I hardly even like anything I wrote here... but I am afraid that I'd lose the only solace I have for dumb writing. Hahahaha. What exactly do I do with myself?

Tomorrow, I have an internship interview... and I dunno how to be comfortable of selling myself without the thoughts of being sold. You know, I came to an understanding that I have developed a severe fear of rejection, and consequently severe fear of anything resembling functioning relationship (that saying that I've always had). I dunno. I am tired, I don't even know what I'm saying.

Only, that mostly, nowadays I am too afraid to do anything, to say anything, to be anything.

And how I have absolutely no one to tell, because I have chased away everyone... or they already ran away from me. Hahaha.

I don't know.