I really didn't want to talk about this, but at the same time, you know, as the issue keeps progressing... it just I have some thoughts.

And while I tell my husband about it, he definitely does not care enough to soothe my soul. I felt, you know, that some ways the universe knows that my head is having thoughts.

There is no need for intros I think, as this is old news. But yesterday was the trial for TOP... umm... smoking weed?

I honestly had the same thoughts as people who think weed is okay. As an international fan, I have very liberal views about and it's almost too hard to phantom the smoking weed would appall a whole nation. Now of course, I have a ton of time trying to integrate context to the issue. That I might see as okay, but that doesn't mean everybody does or should. While I can argue some medical benefits, has drawbacks (similar to cigarettes) and other risks like psychosis and other things. I mean, it has been illegal for so long. I can see why a lot of people would find it... I dunno... scary.

Which goes to the point that while I do not see TOP doing anything wrong, it's not that he did nothing wrong. He violated a law. That's disrespectful to the values of his people. And while I can be one of the pitchfork brigade telling people You are not real fans...

well.. ick.. It doesn't matter. The thing is fans... are just people with strong interest for a certain thing or person. I am just sorry that TOP offended you, and I do hope you have it in you to be a bigger person and you know, not be hurtful towards him. Just that.

I understand that this now becomes a matter of privilege, does he get off scott-free because he has money and most of his career, he was celebrated. I can say, as his fan, that I think he went through enough. It would be terribly dramatic to tell you that I cried when I heard he OD'd. But it's true. He overdosed and I was in tears. It's just being suicidal myself, I just, it tears me apart that he would go through this. I mean, I've always thought TOP has a beautiful mind with a beautiful personality and there had always been a fragility in his introversion. And it just tears me apart that his pain would make him want to hurt himself.

That is, of course, to say that I think the trial should have gone as it did, as we are just fans and our strong feelings for him should not cloud our rational thought. He broke the law. He should pay for it. I just wish people had been kinder. And that I hope he heals.

And if this means him quitting showbiz then I can only wish him well, and wish that he can be his beautiful self all throughout his long life time.

Love you TOP. As cheesy, and I feel gross now. fgdikgfhdalghjk. you gave me so much joy.

you gave me so much joy.