aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i seriously wanna quit college.. quit my club activities.. quit going out with people.. i just wanna stay in my room and write my stories for the rest of my life........... or maybe become a musician.. or a pianist.. or a street musician.. anything other than studying books. i already did well for my high school finals. that's enough already isn't it? can't i do what i want like learn how to speak Japanese and Korean and learn their culture? I have enough of science and maths books already.

Seriously. there's just too much things to do.. college, lecturers, friends, club, ARGH!! I have no idea why am i in college anywayyyyyy!!!!!
 

I had physics class today (I have physics EVERYDAY... and biology and chemistry and maths...) anyhow yeah, my lecturer taught us this: Define stress. Stress is the force a material can withstand per original unit area.

Yeah. Define stress? Sure. Stress is me. Right now.

Exams are coming in June and my mother just banned me from going out until exams are over. So basically i can only go to college, and then home.. (and every other time she needs me to help her with directions) other than that I'll be a lifeless doll going to and fro between college and home..

College isn't supposed to be stressful and so difficult.. Not if you're taking the subjects you like. Me? i don't have a choice! I'm asian! I'm chinese! i have parents that want me to become a doctor! stereotype! the ones that want me to study. that studying is the only way of life!

aish. i have a short exam in June. Don't get me wrong. I don't plan on failing my exams, but the thought that I might not get A's for all my subjects is killing me. I've been slacking since January and now my exams are like six weeks away from now. Eottokhae?! Can i even make it on time?

you know how hard it is to act like i don't have a single care in this world? how hard it is to keep acting like a silly hyperactive person around your friends because you don't want them to worry about you? how hard it is to keep up trying to help people out of their problems when i can't even handle my own and i gotta just keep my problems in a box, lock it and hide it somewhere invisible? i'm sick and tired of it. I'm at the verge of breaking down already. there's just too much to do.

Why can't i just do the things i like? yeah i know I'm blessed because i have a house to live in, food to eat and a college to go to. but so what? i can't even voice out my opinion.. expectations and control all around me. i should just give up my dreams for a year and a half and complete my course, get good grades, give my cert to my parents, then go off doing what i like. sounds like a plan.

No. i won't do it. (though it sounds like a pretty good idea.)

This is so difficult.. I mean, i can score well if i study, thank God for good brains, but this isn't what i want to do in life.. why can't i put my other talents to good use when i can go further than to just sit in my room all day facing my books? (which i gave up looking at since i graduated from high school) Sometimes i question why my parents waste their money on something i don't like doing rather than supporting what i want and their money won't go to waste.

There's nothing i can do. times like these just makes me tell myself i'll just do everything tomorrow and for now, just go to sleep. sleep the problems away. although that's just a temporary way out.

I don't know.. i don't really have the mood to do anything for now.. maybe i'll go on a hiatus again until my exams in June are over.. i need to settle my priorities for now. so freaking confused.

Sorry i talk to much some times but that's because i can't do that in real life. I don't want the people around me to worry and some just don't care. it's much easier saying it out here because i don't personally know you who are reading this. at least this is kinda like my outlet to rant..

So.. hiatus maybe?

[18.04.2014 | 0031]