This blog post is more towards a personal-life rant rather than anything with me being a writer or a student. +it's going to be messy because imma just write everything as it comes (tbh i write my story like this as well as it comes so....)

So I found out a few things about this guy I liked for the past less than a year in first year of uni. Thing is, it was more of a 'he has a charismatic personality' so I got attracted to him. Honestly when I reevaluate things I realised all I wanted was to be closer friends with him but I just took the idea that I liked him and ran away with it.

I have a group of friends (he's in it) and the few of us were quite close knit. In the beginning the both of us just so happen to study in the same place in college often and we studied till night so we used to get dinner together and sometimes just with whoever was around. I was also close to a few others so we eventually became a little close knit group. We studied together and all that.

The girls eventually knew that I liked him and there was the whole phase where I made it quite obvious that I liked him without even being conscious. I never made the effort to SHOW it, but you know how unconsciously when you like someone it'll show especially if you're close to the person. I don't know, I'm just like that. I don't hide my expressions and stuff well.

I treasured our friendship and each one of them including him, were my precious friends and I didn't want anything other than us being close friends. I treasured them close to my heart equally in terms of friends.

I knew he knew that I had good feelings towards. I mean, you'd be blind if you don't know that I like you that way. I'm not that difficult to read. He didn't act any differently, he didn't avoid me or anything so all was fine.

In the second semester because we all start having our own different commitments, we didn't get to hang out as much as we did back in semester one. I did handle it quite badly when he hung out with other people. I was salty to the max. It was fault on my part, I just didn't know how to handle it and I admit I let my emotions go out of hand. (It's the first time I have feelings towards someone that I'm close to like previously the guy that I liked, we weren't friends before I started liking him) I handled it quite badly and I let my saltiness leak out so that's bad on my part.

Then again, I gave up controlling it when he started shipping me with another one of our friends. And by that time, I knew that he knew that I like him. Maybe he was trying to divert my feelings, but that was a little uneccessary? Before we mention my feelings, were we not at least sort of closer friends? Could you not treat me like a friend before anything and not do that when you know that I have feelings towards you? Just ignore me, I think that would've worked better than ganging up with other people and shipping me with someone else.

And so I recently found out that throughout the times that I thought we were a happy little small group of friends who studied together, bullted together, had random late night talks, just all the small little things, he was talking behind our backs to other people. So the thing is that I notice, he always says yes or says that he doesn't mind doing things, but he complains a lot to other people about it. It's quite damaging when he complains too, because he doesn't complain to a fix person, he complains to a few separate people and that's damaging to the person he's complaining about because it creates a really bad image of the person. I don't even know if he does it consciously or not. He has that character where people just gravitate towards him too so it feels like people can't hate him.

It's quite hurting to find out about things like these because one by one the good memories I have had in the past year are getting slowly burnt from the corners of the pictures. He doesn't address things to the person, he just complain about the person to other people. I never knew, he was complaining about the rest of our little small group to other people, and because the few of us are always together, when he complains, he fuses us into one general "they", so say I did something to upset him, he says that "they" did it.

I am taking things I hear with a pinch of salt but the fact that this coming from more than one person and persons that don't hang out together, it may be exaggerated but not entirely baseless.

It's late at night and I'm the only one awake at home so now that I have the time to process the information I have on hand, I feel slightly if not completely hurt. If he es about me to other people, fair, because me liking him and unconsciously showing it could have made him uncomfortable and I was not subtle when I was salty when he wasn't hanging out with us as much any more. But to about the others in our little small group, I feel like it's not the best thing he could've done. The others are so nice to him so why did they get salt from him?

I'm aware that I'm more towards the straightforward kind. I say things without a filter but it is my honest opinion, and I don't hide my expressions well. If I'm not happy, it shows on my face and the resting face doesn't help. With all these, I do realise that there will be people who won't like me and that most likely comes along with them talking about me behind my back. But to be fully aware of it, and what more, coming from someone who I was close to. It actually hurts.

This little group of friends is the first group of friends who I spend so much time with, close to every waking hour because most of us lived in the same accommodation. They are literally the first group of friends that I love with so much affection, to think that he whom I've treated as much of a friend as I did to the rest of them, putting aside my feelings, did all of that to us, I feel shattered I don't even know how to feel.

The only comfort I can offer myself for now is that, we don't see each other that often any more so I don't have to pretend that I don't know any of the things I just found out in front of him because that's going to be difficult for me. I can't front. If i feel like that, I won't be able to pretend that I don't.

I've long gotten over him. Just that right now hearing all these I'm a mix of disappointed and hurt and a few other emotions mixed together because of our supposedly good friendship. I feel like it was just us being all happy about it then he was just joining in and not saying if he wasn't happy and go off complaining to other people like if you don't like it, tell us. Is it that difficult? Say it out. There's no point telling other people without addressing the main issue. It resolves nothing.

Rant end.

I half hope you find this. At least grow the courage to talk to me in person if you have anything unsorted with me and don't use the excuse of whether or not it's the right timing because I have confronted you about how I felt about you being distant but I admit I freaked out mid-conversation and that earned a rant against me to someone else and a fowl mood on your end which I did not realise because I'm blind like that you have to tell me in my face. I don't like reading and assuming emotions. I've said what I intended to say to you even though it didn't go across the way I wanted to but I tried. You need to confront me if you have things to say to me.

- 03.11.2017 | 0330