Long time no post.

I've been so unactive with posting my stories and all I've been doing is reading a select few of my favourite fanfics that still do update.

Med school is tough.

And adding to that, my emotions are all over the place.

This isn't a boy problem.

Nope.

It's a friendship problem.

It feels like sht because my group of friends whom I've been close to since the first semester isn't the same group any more. One guy's off with another group of friends (like we're all friends, just that he hangs out with their group now, we're still friendly and all that just don't spend that much time together any more). Another one has always been missing in action but he's a very good friend so there's no problem whenever he joins us because he's just pre-occupied with other things and he lives far away. Another one hangs out with someone else from across our unit because their study patterns match even though they aren't in the same year.

So that leaves us with the three of us.

Is it considered jealousy that she gets everyone's attention all the time? I'm actually fine with her. She's like a younger sister. Which is why it's annoying too? Like idk i have no sibling so idk if this is how it feels. I used to eat all our meals with her, then we'd ask him to come over as well because he doesn't eat with any one else. +she doesn't like eating alone, she mentioned before +whenever she sees someone eating alone she used to always accompany them to eat.

Since the end of last term, they've been studying together a lot because they don't like studying in the place I study in. I can relate because I can't study where they study either. But then, they always eat together because it's easy for them to coordinate their eating times.

And it isn't difficult to guess.

I eat alone.

Recently they don't even ask if I want to join them for meals. By the time I realise the time and ask them to go for food they'd either be on the way for food or already haflway through eating.

It's disappointing and upsetting to feel left out like this.

Even after I told her that I feel left out because they always hang out together, she said that they didn't mean it and apologised, but nothing changed on her part.

I had a breakdown that day because of so many things happening. She was sick, well, I was too, but no one knew because I don't take medications when I'm sick, I just let it pass because it's mostly always me not drinking enough water. So yea, she was sick and said she'd go get some meds after eating dinner at home. He went running after her without asking if myself and another friend were heading back to college or anything, just. left. like that.

Part of the reason why I'm so triggered by his actions was because during our first winter I was hanging out with another friend a lot and he mention before last year's winter that he was around during winter but i was off with other people the whole time. I told him that I'll hang out with him and give him all the attention he wants, which I did all the days I was around during winter. Once the term started and everyone else came back, he continued of with her and again I was just there alone.

I did try joining in and not be a sour plum, but it's so difficult to join in now? They spend so much time together that they have their little inside jokes that I can't relate to and I can't laugh along to it feels so out of place.

Back to the breakdown. I started ranting and lashing out at him over text and because I was so unstable emotionally I had to run home from college because I didn't want anyone seeing me cry and hyperventilate in the library. I spent a good 3hrs ranting to him but it felt like I was ranting to a wall. He did try to understand and also maybe because this is his first time dealing with this kind of girl lashing out. I told him that I didn't want to open up to tell them anything because they always brush it off saying that I'm being salty when I'm actually not. He said that they were my friends and that I should trust them and tell them what's going on. Well okay, I told him lots of things that were bothering me, including the fact that I feel left out and he was like if we eat more together, we spend more time together, and we'll have our inside jokes too.

As if it were that simple.

I wish it was too.

And the next day, he texted to ask me to go for food, but I was study gdi i don't check my cellphone when i'm studying. By the time I saw the message 10mins after he sent it and asked where they were, he said they were already buying their food.

Nice friends right? They bloody know where I study in college but just can't come to look for me when I don't reply their messages.

So I threw some proper salt over text because I wasn't happy and he said he'll try his best.

And the thing is, I want to talk to her about it too, but her personality is quite aggressive, if she gets upset I won't be able to talk to her any more because she's so headstrong and so good at arguing, and I'm bad with my words. And it's exam time and she's quite good with her studies so I don't want to waste our time to talk about things yet because we're all dying with studies already.

It seems like everything stems down to meal times but that's because that's the only time we get to spend time together and the fact that she says that people shouldn't eat alone but then doesn't think about me if i'm eating alone or not. idk man.

I'm pretty sure I'm at fault as well getting upset and stuff, not saying anything and acting like a brat over my emotions even though I don't tell them but then the timing is always never right to talk about things.

to be fair on her part, she did ask if i needed an ear to listen to. but the thing is, I have a serious case of RBF and when I don't smile or talk I look like I'm about to kill someone or I'm going through mid-life crisis or something like that. There was a whole period of time that they KEPT asking if I was fine when I was actually perfectly well, even though when I was obviously not okay they didn't say anything. So the time when she said that she knows something was bothering me and that i could talk to her if I needed, I literally had nothing going on at that point and I got annoyed over her sentence and unknowingly all these problems surfaced to my mind and then I started getting not okay.

I know I will have to talk to her but I don't know how to start because at this point I'd probably just start crying even before saying anything lol

I'm so emotionally unstable gosh help.

Do I need a new set of friends?

OR should I just isolate myself to make it easier.

Less human interaction = Less emotional attachments = Less expectations = Less disappointments

Wow, I used to be a ball of positive energy wth is going on