Which means... that I will traverse the expanse of the proverbial space of my mind. Proverbial... have you ever encountered a word you want to use and you stop... because... your mind is in the state of goop and you're not exactly sure what that word means? Because you are sure you know it at one point of your life, maybe yesterday, but you don't at that moment?

Proverbial... I think, it means something used figuratively, all the time. Now, lemme google:

1. (of a word or phrase) referred to in a proverb or idiom.

Oh yay. I'm right.

I love words... I was thinking just now how wonderful words are. How you write them and how people read them and they create meaning... in that proverbial space of minds. :)

When I write, I usually have one direction, one intention. But right now, I have nothing. I am just... I have feelings. And I want to write about a lot of things, mostly concerning kpop which is of course, my mode of proactive procrastination.

What I should be doing:

Writing my paper about race, racism and spacialization. Spacialization. Meaning being assigned to a space, that space being a contributor to you as identifier. It sounds smart. I like it.

And studying for my finals.

What I am doing:

Thinking of things so I wont have to do what I should be doing.

Do you have procrastination guilt? Like while procrastinating?

I was watching Master's Sun and enjoying it, but at the back of my head, I felt like wax being melted into soggy goop.

This is stream of consciousness . This is the rail of my derailed head.

I have been having bits and pieces of conversations with people. And you know how I dislike people. I think a part of it is because I think people are either idiots who make me feel bad, or extremely intellegent who make me feel bad. Hahaha.

I just... you know... unhinged.

Why do we say unhinged?

Is our minds in a hinge that swivel open, swivel close?

Like thoughts flying in and out and the hinge keeps you intact, socially?

I like that word... swivel.

I think of weevils which are beetles and blech beetles creep me out. But I pretend not to be creeped out because I constantly try to be much cooler than I am, really.

To be honest.

Have you ever thought of when you say to be honest, you are actually saying that you lie a lot. Which I think isn't wrong. Because we lie a lot. How many times do you lie when people say how are you? and you cut it shot with a lie, saying you're good? Because well, even if you are actually good, to be honest, there are certain things that make good a lie, like may be you're tired, or you accidentally tried to get yourself run over or maybe you just hate the sun glaring at you but hate the cold that freezes your fingers, but in estimation, you are good in some ways. So if you think about it then it's a half full, half empty argument, that most of the time you partially lie, but if you live a life of lies, then maybe you tell partial truths and that counts for something? Maybe?

A part of me want to talk about the YG Family Concert and the idol industry, but this might lead to an onslaught of you don't know what you're talking about... and to be honest, that's true. I don't know what I'm talking about because I really don't know anything. But I like being philosophical about everything. My professor's think it's a fault as well as that it's fascinating. Because we color ourselves blue or pink like we want to... you know... again in that perspective of half full, half empty. You know relativism of no absolute truth.

Because I have long wanted to think of the idol industry in korea, and idol mills... Because idol means something... and I love words. Have you ever really thought when you call someone your idol, that that word means a perjorative. Because in the bible idol means an outward image, a personality that exist on the visual that we attach feelings of adoration to without regards to them being real or not. Then if we call someone an idol, then it is a delusion. Then no matter how real a person is they don't become real because we have associated feelings of perfection to them. You know, even if they become doopey, or dumb, it just adds to how we feel adoration until it's illogical and we breach real distance with emotional proximity... and you forget when they say they love you, they only see you as a collective who enjoys them...

YOU DON'T KNOW ME, I'M NOT YOUR IDOL STAR.

When TOP said this in GDTOP intro I almost fell on my knees in worship. Which I think is the paradox of being an idol and saying you're not and you know... I think what I like most about TOP (well, most days it's his face) but his explicit emotional distance and just general bafflement of his status. You know how people say "I don't presume to know him," but that's a lousy disclaimer that isn't true. Because according to Tablo that idol love is legitimate. And love is all about presumptions and assumptions and we assume. Though we don't want to, though in all logical frameworks we shouldn't because life is about the wierd stuff and not knowing but what is love if not illogical and presumptous?

I PITY THOSE WHO WANT TO KNOW ME, I DON'T EXIST IN YOUR REALITY.

How incredibly smug and hurtful. Hahaha. And this is where idol love comes in. Because the common comment out of this statement is TOP IS SO COOL AND COLD AND I LOVE HIM. which is an exact contradiction of what he is saying you don't know me, you can't love me, i don't exist in your reality.

My first encounter to the meaning of this was actually being hurt. I know I don't know you, I know you don't exist in my reality. Quit trying to wake me up from my delusions, you ing bastard. >:/

Then you know, I liked it. Because I'm a masochist and I like that slap of reality. And the presumptions are there that he had said those words because he is uncomfortable with the label of being an idol, being the blunt of love and idealism.

What I liked most about TOP is how uncomfortable he is with standards and labels. Just like how I am. This is that secret layer of my idolism. No matter how superficial I want to sound, I actually like TOP more than because I like his face. And because I am older, and should be mature enough to not be in with this crazy idolism. I still am. I'm your TOP er. In the non- kind of way, at least at this moment.

So I wanted to say something, of more than just why I like TOP but my actual annoyed fit of the idol industry. Because the idol industry is a conveyor belt giving us personalities, with faces and with aspirations that we relate to. See my first true idol is Sandara who is very beautiful and a little lacking in the talent department. I didn't like her at first because she seemed so fixed in popularity, and that's not something that I want to be associated with. That want of validation through mass affirmation. Because I am more of a TOP who is stop putting me in your ing moulds, and just Dara weirds me out. But it's hard not to wish her well, you know? Because she's quite charming and she tries her best and really the emotional breach of empathizing with a want and feeling short of it. That's just... well, it's honesty in a different level.

So that's Dara's packaging. Because there are so many people who dream big, who would die for her dreams, but only a few who have courage enough to say it up front that they don't think that they are fit to have the dreams... I work hard. Don't we all?

And you wish her well, in a way that you can't really wish yourself well... isn't it most of the time that way? That you love someone because you find you can't love yourself?

Haha.

My next idol is GD. G to the D, . And I know I have spoken too many times about him, as well. Because I talk too much about TOP DARA AND GDRAGON. Because I like them and I have been ered in to their idol packaging and I should just buy incense and whisper a prayer to them. I don't even...

I like GD the same way other people dislikes him. What I like, is the idolism of arrogance and being self-sure and those minute cracks of his arrogance that he shows, not willingly, in deep cutting angst. I resent this, I resent that, ing love songs I can't stop writing. I like GD because he seem to write an antithesis of who he wants to be. I hate being popular, but once there was a boy who wanted that, and wanted all of this. I hate god. I spit on him, and I catch my spit with my face. This is my coup d'etat... but you don't get it. You don't ing have to.

How I see GD... is not the convention? How do you see GD? I mean, I see him like a kid who goes on massive tantrums... and tell people why the are you all so ing serious, then cries on his bathroom stall because no one takes him seriously. Which is why I like him so much, because you know... I don't know maybe the Barnum Effect. That idols are generalizations of human personality that we always find something to be emotionally connected to them.

I love Crooked the most. Have I said that before? I think I have. But I love it enough to be repetative. I love Crooked, not because it's an angry love song, but generally because it's angry about everything and just how hurt it is. Ugh.

But that long discussion about finding the idol industry and relativism and the barnum effect was not my... intention? At least not what I want to say...

I remember some people read this blog because they like how I think, I get self conscious... and try to sound not like a with my head in my . Asshat.

Er... So my little thing about the YG Family Concert...It's not actually a small thing, but a big thing, a criticism that I don't really feel comfortable saying. Because... once upon a time, I liked music as a product, not as a byproduct of idols. Do you know what I mean?

Back in the days, I like Matchbox20, not because of Matchbox20 but because of the messages of their songs. I don't know how they are, I knew their songs, they rhythm. That was how it was. I've liked them since I was eleven and my husband is astounded that I don't know about the band discography. But I knew all of their songs, all their albums, and the context of their message, like it was my own. this I think is my subjective appreciation of music, because I don't like the music industry, or music in general. I like songs in the empathic sense of it. When I listen to what I like, I usually feel less lonely... even in anger, or despair, or just being your useless pile of . You know....

So I liked kpop, and I liked kpop artists and now, I don't like songs, I like the artists.... which was not how my thinking went really... because liking a person behind the music... is terribly difficult. That's like a relationship where they say things, sing things you don't like but having that social obligation of being polite because you like them. Then that barrier of being nice and being honest becomes apparent. You know?

Like a compromise.

And really, how can you be happy as a fan? Because you compromise about your personal opinions while whoever your idol is does not even know of your discontent, nor do they really care.

But then you wonder... if being honest about being fan has any merit at all. Because all you ever really hit are other fans who either agree with you or disagree with you... and well, there's this functioning society that is really ing stressful to function in.

Say this honest comment of not like TOP's Oh Mom.

I don't like it. Hahaha. This is something that I hid for the very first time. Because I knew a lot of the context of his writing. That this was more self-serving that fanservice which was why I like him in the first place. But as a listener, I think it has... too much electric guitar, that doesn't really go with his voice. Too much auto tune because he's uncomfortable with his singing voice... And really Oh mom annoys me because he could have sung this without the guitar and autotune and the drums and it would have been soulful, bare bones, bare heart and perfect.

Because his message doesn't coordinate well with his delivery. But then that's an imposition. Because this is how he speaks and he deems it appropriate because it's a raw message and why not grant him that barrier of electric guitar and autotune.

So I dislike it, but at the same time I do.

But only because he's an idol, a personality, I care about... which is incredibly tiring because, within the idol industry, being a fan meant you should see things always half full...

What does being an idol fan mean?

Who knows?

Would TOP appreciate a letter that says:

Dear TOP,

I thought Oh Mom was perfect!

love, sev-seven&teeohpee.

or the more honest,

Dear TOP,

Hello! I know you don't know me, and I most probably don't know you. *Cue awkward laugh* But for the longest time, I have liked you... and I mean, like you not your music, though I think most of the time I like your music. Hahaha. My favourite song from you is that GD & TOP intro, and please if you find that offensive, you can step on my face when you see me.

I like Onneullttara and Act Like Nothing's Wrong but I feel... well, even if you wanted to make it general that other people can associate with I felt highly intrusive when I empathize with your feelings. I do like the reoccuring motifs of flying in your writing. I mean, I use that too, not that you should feel like... we're a like or something. Because we're not. Because er.... well, um. Let's forget about that.

I like Doom Dada, but found it inaccessible on the first hear, and read... and I thought of it as how you were, you know distant and uncrackable. Sometimes I think you're a rubics cube and well, I'm really bad at rubics cube, I have once matched two sides perfectly... but then the other four were not... and wait what was I saying.

Oh yeah, Doom Dada. Well I thought it was fantastic and unaccessible and even when I think I understood, I probably don't. Which is why I like it so much. I would tell you my interpretation, but would you appreciate that? I feel like you wont... but in case you do... I think it's about mass media and culture production, that popular culture is already on the decline because of commercialization... you know... those complicated about commercial packaging. Am I at least hitting close? You know you are one of the people I want to talk to dead or alive. Because I think you have ideas that are so incredible, and incomprehensible...

And now I sound like a stalker. Which is fine. I don't live in your closet, if you're worried. Hahaha. Though i have said to the fandom that I want to, I don't really. I mean, that would be a bad way to live. In a closet, I mean. I like your jackets. :)

The thing was I was going to say, I didn't like Oh Mom as much as I want to, but I know you shouldn't care... But I took this class about reviewing and it said that a review should first consider the message and intent. And because I think that Oh Mom is probably your bravest song, you are allowed those electric guitar and autotune barriers but what I would have loved is an acoustic delivery of it. Maybe even mic-less. But then again, I'm not a musician.

I think your singing voice is excellent. I wish for a rather stripped down, singing from you.

Of course, I look forward to anything you can think of. I think being an idol is incredibly difficult, and I am sorry to say that even if you don't want to be one you already are.

Really, I'm sorry to say that.

Also, I love you.

Like you don't want your fans to.

Um.

Okay, this is it for the awkwrardest letter you will never read.

love, secretseven

Okay... so why did I write that again? Oh well, stream of unconsciousness... that shhitttt....

I need some Macklemore.

Wait.

Hey Macklemore can we go thrift shopping? :3 :3 :3

Okay, so my thing about YG Family Concert 2014... is the overall fanservice format of it... but I guess I am making this comment from fancams which is of course with fan filters, that would appreciate fanservice more than actual musicality.

Because TOP, GD always say that they're more than idols, they're musicians. But then we kinda filter out the music and we just want them having fun and being... I dunno, crazy. Which is of course, cute and fun and yay. Yes. i like it. I like that TOP is having fun singing crazily and growling some of Bom's lyrics. And hahaha. touching each other's . But when it comes down to being their fan, I get a bit critical. Where is the musician that they want us to pay for... because they are more than idols... I am kind of looking for the music. I watched Doom Dada... and am happy that Dara gets to open for him.

But then I get a bit critical: Doom Dara Divida. Hear her voice strain when she tries to lower her range which is unnatural for her. And I know she's cute. I know that. And yay! TabiSan. But then... as a Dara fan who is struggling with what her message, I want to be a singer, and I try my best. Is this her best? Maybe I am being critical... not of her but the format of this production with the main focus on fanservice. Why? Because I actually think that a TOP Dara collab can exist past fanservice. Like how it was back then in 2011 when Gummy Covered Heartbreaker and brought a seriously great rendition of Gdragon's song... What I would have liked is a Dara singing at least past the Intro and trying her voice at rapping some of the parts. If not then it's a failed cover, and because I am a Dara fan, I hate it when anyone limit her to being just cute and charming and having the shortest lines and... well, it's hard not to resent the idol industry....

Because we can all clap at Doom Dara who is only Doom Dara Divida... but then she could've sang parts, gave it interpretation. Then it's not just clapping, it's actual admiration for Doom Dara Daring rather than ack! Doom Dara is so cute.

I dunno. Maybe that's just me.

Because, in my head at least, Doom Dara is speaking of culture and losing culture and do we lose culture because we like comfortable things like cuteness? I think Dara could've done more than wear his costume and mic and be cute.

As for Mino... welll...., I thread the path of being a Winner hater, and I don't even know them... Because they're a product of an idol mill, in the conveyor belt of Big Bang being past their due. You know... And Mino singing Doom Dada rubs me the wrong way, because it was okay. But not a cover, an imitation. There is no personality, no Doom Mino, but a lifted imitation of TOP delivery, and I though if it wasn't disrespectful, it was... very amateur. Because what has YG been in the past but individuality and self expression.

I love Doom Dada and the original delivery and I still go O.O after that introduction of him ripping out words TEMPO style.... but I would have loved a Taeyang/ GD / CL/ Minzy / Dara cover of it with each of their personalit. Just like when Dara covered One with Se7en and Taeyang... so much character, I wanted to weep.

So, the only time I actually listened to Mino... and I though he sounded fake, and I am sorry, if that makes me hater...

But saying that he did that because he was a TOP fan is a cop out. Because if you cover your usually a fan, and when you bring your personality to it, then you're being more than a fan but an artist yourself. And because Winner is trying to establish this, a label of artist, then shouldn't he have at least tried. Given that opportunity? Oh welll....

Okay. Now off to not be a procrastinator.