I have been debating whether I should post something here, or write something privately... and I wonder about this thing... about private and public blogs of how come there is this difference. Of course, a private journal is an introversion. Talking to yourself in private where no one can judge you. It is a beautiful quiet place or a loud place, depending on the voices in your head who house there. Now I wonder, why public blogging (at least up to some point) is something of a preference to me. And it's not comments or views. You all know how much a pain in the I am when someone talks to me... So this gets me to thinking. Why do I perform, if I do not want to be viewed and speculated on.

And I think of this utopia (word chosen because TOP is in it), my utopia, where people are free to be themselves and not be worried of what people think. Now that's what I want. Everytime, I write here. It's not agreement or disagreement. It is that freedom to speak my mind. To expand and retract and be smart and dumb. To have run on sentences, and dumb as fragments. Of being someone actually likable or despicable... Just... I think of it as maybe like streaking. Well, no. I think that's anxiety inducing. Hahaha. I think maybe it's when you make your way along a filled crowd and you are you and there is nothing wrong with you, nothing at all... and you are in such a zenith. And everything is beautiful because you are part of the world but nothing is imposed on you...  You are a slate full of writing, and no one is judging whatever the there is on you.

I don't know. This is something I am struggling with. That this world is filled with conversations and because I am an extremely sensitive person, I respond to everything, mostly with judgement and anger, which is I know something that I wouldn't want. So I just excommunicate myself and just enclose myself in the bubble of silence. Because I think the world is filled with people who do judge and imprison you with their standard whether they think you are cool, or off or, on... or whatever the the kind of frame they stylize to understand you. I wonder about that. You know.

My utopia is a place where everyone admits to not really knowing anything and not be all "oh you shouldn't do that," "what you did is so cool!" or whatever the of confirmation or disapproval because I think humanity is worth more than a yes or a no... Moral relativism, cultural relativism... and all that .

I sometimes wish the world is just a story, that I can consume in a reading, because everything is so wildly interesting but then they interact with me, and even when a person actually likes me, I feel like they are taking my freedom away... because they assume to know me. They imprison my spirit with this perspective. And I don't want to be that eternal child but no one really understands. No one. And I don't know. I just tire of being tried to be understood.

And I don't know why I wrote this, but honestly I really do... I just... in writing, I have always found myself honest, and free, and... I do this here, on line, for people to view because I feel like I have the right to be honest, and free and have this period right here.

And I wanted to do write something of consequence, but of course consequences are only for the consequential and I am not like that at all... so I will drift away and create some newsletter designs for my multimedia authoring class... I think that course name is so cool.