So this post is another... indulgence. Which is incredibly dumb because I indulged on twitter... Holy I hate twitter so bad. OTL

So.... that five papers? I'm down to three! Isn't tha exciting? I think it's exciting! The awful thing is both of them is half assed. But... I just need them to get done. You know perfectionism is the enemy of being done?

I am just a big ball of anxiety and I dunno, I feel like I always talk myself down a ledge. It's okay, sevvy. It's okay. We'll deal with this. I mean, we've dealt with this before. You love this. You love writing. You do it not for the fame or approval. You write for your characters, those lovely beings in your head who are genuine and true. And I don't know. Sometimes I hit this wall where I am so self conscious...  I get a lot snarky. Which is counterproductive. Lately, it has gotten worst... I mean. I lash out at people. And I don't know if I can moderate this.

Ugh I wonder if there is even a breath of sanity in me. OTL

What kind of writer do you want to be? An honest one. One that do not pander to the crowd. One that is honest to my fancy. But at the same time self-correcting. I think I write with a moral message. Not a lesson. I think I have ty morals, but a moral message. You know how some stories just ends abruptly and you're like what? I like those kind of endings... I think I need to figure out something from them...

My first story to have reached a conclusive end is thirty minutes and that's it. LOL. Except we don't count one shots, because as dreamsaremadeof reminded me, the world of publication is not about short stories (unless your a short story anthologist... then...) I kind of lost my point. OTL I think about the purpose of writing stories. Of course, I am not talking fanfiction (but at the same time that too). I think it's nice to have this compact, fully visually conceptualized lead. And I kinda confess that I still pattern all my lead males IRL to TOP. LOLOL. Because he's cute. Stop judging me.But mostly I write for a purpose. I think my stories here, which is of course of low quality, are less purposeful. Less, meaning to say, I still think they have a purpose. I have read once, somewhere when you have discovered the purpose of a project abandon it because the well has gone dry and I go what the man? OTL I think there is some logic to that, but nowadays I like spending my wasted hours in introspection. Why do I want to tell this story? What is the "truth" in this that I want to explore? Because I think thieves and assassins are fun but life is not about fun and writing is not about having fun, it's about creating a narrative with a layer of truth you believe in. Maybe it's hard to digest "like love redeems" because the cynic in you chooses to impale your optimist... but I don't know. Maybe I am at an age or a point in life that I want that hope... Not the hope that would keep my head afloat. Maybe a hope that can get me to shore. I know I am making no sense. If you have to know I have been writing since Friday (okay so it included a 12 hour nap and another 12 hour sleep, and a lot of twitter time... bite meeeee) and I dunno, my brain is all smushed.

I first wanted to write about my uncomplicated life, of boy chasing but I don't want to anymore. LOL. I just want to talk about writing, over and over until I find that drive again.

I am in love with words. All words... like duck, or ball, or platitude, or gambit, flourescent, effervescent, supercalifragalisticexpialidoscious. English does come naturally to me. But not as natural, never as natural as my first language. I don't feel deep when I use big words, I feel super pretentious. Like taupe. Taupe. Why am I saying taupe when I can say brown. Why don't I just say brown? My friend uses taupe in our conversation and I'm like, oh, how come you can use taupe? I want to say taupe too. What brain, what?

Okay, so TOP break LOL.

Is that a mirror?

Why is that tree so big? TOP so small? I want more TOP.

HOLY THAT IS A WHOLE LOT OF TOP. /sevvy death

Have you ever wondered about why god put people you want so bad but can never have? Then you go this is actually very insane sounding... then you pick up a gun...

His eyebrows are teh bomb !!!!1!111!111!!!!

I love his eyebrows most on this one.

Okay I have bad eyes, so someone please tell me what he's eating, it's been driving me nuts since this morning. OTL

LOL. I mean I have already oggled every part of this picture (including but not exclusive to his face, hands, ankles, crotch etc.) but I stare at what he's eating and I go what is that?????

I should probably go to bed since I still want to go to class.

I want to write this thief story because I like her... I hope I can just do her justice, OTL I don't care... maybe this isn't going to meet my professors standards but that shouldn't be why I'm writing right? Sigh, I am so tired.