I guess, I should apologize. LOL. Why? Because I have hurt a lot of people. People who liked me, who thought of me highly, who could relate to my outburst of self-depreciation. I don't know really. I am just... you know... a very angry person. But... I've been reading some of my older blog post and I severely miss people talking to me. Haha. I don't know. I kind of wanted to scare people off and live as a recluse but the quiet is kind of sad and those I hand picked to stay with me are not here and sevvy is alone and still insane and I just miss human contact. I don't really know...

I mean, at the peak of insanity I just kind of made an AFF social suicide and hell be bent I don't think there'd be social resurrection. I don't know. I just... I kinda liked the way things were before... I kinda of want people to talk to me, but then again how... There were some people who thought I sounded smart, which I am in some ways and in the other I can be incredibly dumb. I might have said it already, I have an IQ of 132... that was back when I was 18 though... hopefully it didn't go down. Habbu thinks I'm a total turd for not being proud of how smart I am... only because that's the lowest in my family. But I'm not trying to brag, I'm trying to make a point, which I have lost... I think I want another IQ test. I feel like that's incredibly low. Um. But what I was trying to say that my EQ is really, really bad because I am emotionally scared to the point that I can't call someone a friend until... well until I think so and I don't think these friends are lucky... I think they're pretty much ed. And most of the time all conversations end up me telling them that I want to kill myself or that I'm a total waste of breath... you know the sevvy usual.

I really want to reestablish friendships but I have so little faith in myself, you know. I mean, some of the people whom I like told me that I have hurt them and that's fair. Who would want to be kicked out of a friend's list, blocked from twitter. I would have hated that. In my defense I really, really was emotionally unstable to the point that I get hurt from simple things. And being hurt is fine until I get angry and destructive and I just reject human contact. I mean, sigh. I don't know how to explain myself. I don't know why I'm trying to... there are just people I actually like you know... that deserve an apology. So I am trying to give one... I am sorry for being myself. I mostly am always sorry for being me. But I'm sorry for hurting you for being me. I'm sorry if you extended your hand and spoke up of wanting an apology and me not giving you any because I thought that would build back bridges that I know I would just sabotage sooner or later.

Once during Christmas, my bestfriend broke my heart and I broke his really determinedly and I knew just how to hurt him. No one really understand this... I mean, no one is as broken as us... and we were not alike but the same and he was very,very important to me and I just end up hurting him, now I still am in contact with him but we both know that relationship has a wound unhealed and I wish I had been a different person and have dealt with it better. I just... you know.

Last two years have been extremely bad for me and I had the audacity of writing about everything I felt. I had always had some freedom with the written word... I had been raised to keep journals you see and being raised in a family of smarter people who were never kind to ignorance (which was tough on me because I was freaking four and no one wanted me to promise them a house when I grew because I was being stupid. Oh well. No houses for anyone.) so I wrote in just wild abandon... in writing I had never needed to pretend I was smarter than I was, or prettier than how I felt... In writing I could be dumb and ugly and no one was there to judge me. No one. Except my mom who liked reading my journals. I still can't forgive her for reading that entry about me and an ex. Hahaha. OTL. Um. Yeah. So here in the world of online everything and everyone was free to view, you all had a chance to see me squirm around, wanting to kill myself and saying I shouldn't or I should slit my throat and it was like finding Tom Riddle in my journal and I just grew to hate myself more and more. An open book had always been held in such high esteem, but how would you feel when everyone is reading you. I don't know what I'm saying. I just kind of ended up indulging in words again. Sigh. I have written somewhere about a girl who stopped talking because she had been overwhelmed by a secret she couldn't say, I am an antithesis of that. I am that person who blurt out everything down to my dirty laundry. See my father was a drunk who told us he'd kill us, that was my childhood. My mother thought I was less than my brothers, less in intelligence, even less in being awful... my eldest brother thought I was kid through out my life which meant everything I did he thought was a mistake waiting to happen, my other brother thought I was kind of dull. You know I tell this everytime it's appropriate.. or inappropriate... I don't know. I live by Tyrion Lannister's words even before I knew of him. "Never forget who you are, because the world sure as hell won't" So I kind of knew I was ed in the head, and I tell everyone who would listen because in the advent that a person actually realize I was telling the truth. I can slap them with the disclaimer, mind you, it has never been in 7 pt. font.

So in the end, I am that person who tells everyone I'm pretty much messed up and everyone wants to understand this messed up kid because that makes them a better person, so you pat my back and I end up biting it off, and I am sorry because I may be a rabid dog but I seldom want to be. Hahaha. Oh my gad, what is this post. I just am sorry. Sorry for being me, if being me has hurt you. I just... sometimes, I kind of miss people.

I once told a friend, I no longer know how to talk to you... and I miss you sooo much and this person casually spoke to me and it was peaches and cream until it stopped, I stopped. In the end, it was the other way around, you know? It was her who didn't know how to talk to me anymore, how do you talk to someone borderline clinically insane? Hahaha. I wonder why I keep losing important people, you know.. Sometimes, I just wonder why I give anyone worth because the minute I do, they begin not to know how to speak to me... I wish I was just an open book you know. You can just read me anytime and you can react to me, hurl me across the room, or cuddle me to sleep and I wouldn't mind. Just an open inanimate book that would not mind hate or love or apathy, not this kind of person who kind of resents all of those.

This... this I wrote to apologize, to a few people who I care for, who I've hurt. I really wish I could take the hurt back, pretend that I had done no wrong. But I can't. I can only give you this apology, take with it my sincerity... I find most days, I have no use to it.