Do Love Your Neighbours- deibaby03-pick-up
Do Love Your Neighbours- deibaby03
Title (5/10): The title is really not that attractive. It doesn’t perk one’s curiosity nor does it catch any attention of the reader’s. Your title is a ‘Closely-related title’. What do I mean by that? When I first saw your title, I thought it was going to love your neighbourhood and so and it’s going to be your typical cliché love story and when I opened it, it was closely related. Yes, indeed, that ‘Do love your neighbours’, does not require you to love only your neighbours, but also others since everybody is your neighbours and that simply you must love everyone even though he’s not your neighbour. ‘Do Love Your Neighbours’ could be a better title if you would think of another one. You may try ‘Sunshine’ or ‘Love for my Neighbours’ or other titles that you could think of. The titles that I gave you are simply my suggestions. You may or may not change it. The present title you have is good enough but it does not tie to the story, though. I couldn’t see the contribution of the title to the story. I could only see the connection a bit which is Teen Top living in Hyeri’s house and that Hyeri is slightly falling in love with L.joe and that she is totally in love with Changjo.
Design (8/10): The poster is not that great. Yes, it does look good for a happy, fluffy and romance poster. The collision of hue is fine and the background picture is okay, but the choice of pictures could be better. What you picked isn’t bad but it could have been better and that the poster could have been better. I’m not saying that your poster is bad, but you could have done it better. More practice and more experimenting will lead you into seeing and making new designs and ideas. Just a bit more practice and you’ll do a great job.
As for your writing style, it’s okay. The font and size is okay and moderate. You emphasized words with either Capital letters or italicized that needs to be emphasized which is great.
Mechanics [Spelling, Grammar, Structures] (9/15): And we’re finally here in the mechanics. To be blunt, there are a lot of errors in your story. A lot of them.
Some examples:
[Chapter One]
What you wrote: “Wake up!!!” I feel the shaking in my shoulders while an annoying screech was received by my sleeping ears.
What it should be: “Wake up!!!” I feel the shaking on my shoulders while an annoying screech was received by my sleeping ears.
{Why}: Preposition of Place {In}: we use in for the names of land-areas (towns, counties, states, countries, and continents). For example: We are in the school. In means we, you and I are inside the school.
Preposition of Place {On}: We use on to designate names of streets, avenues, etc. or to indicate a location. For example: I placed my hand on his shoulder and gently massaged it. On means, I placed my hand, not inside, but on top, above the flesh or at the skin part and gently massaged it.
What your wrote: “Ani…-----------first day of school?” I think he is quite irritated.
What it should be: “Ani…-----------first day of school!” I think he is quite irritated.
{Why}: You indicated that he is quite irritated. You can’t expect him to ask a question especially if he is irritated. Deriving that out, your sentence contradicts it. ‘Don’t you dare to be late in the first day of school?’ is not even right. You may write, ‘Don’t you dare be late in the first day of school?! Or just simply put a exclamation point in the end.”
Question Mark: Ask.
Exclamation Point: Indicates a sudden emotion, burst of emotion or feelings.
[Chapter Two]
What you wrote: “You’re mad again?” I don’t answer.
What it should be: “You’re mad again?” I didn’t answer.
{Why}: Don’t –is in the present tense while Didn’t-is in the past tense
What you wrote: We go back at our room without even saying any single word to each other.
What it should be: We went back to our room without even saying any single word to each other.
And others.
I couldn’t put up all the examples in each chapter. I’ll give you the proper use of indication of prepositions:
A preposition describes a relationship between other words in a sentence. In itself, a word like "in" or "after" is rather meaningless and hard to define in mere words. For instance, when you do try to define a preposition like "in" or "between" or "on," you invariably use your hands to show how something is situated in relationship to something else. Prepositions are nearly always combined with other words in structures called prepositional phrases. Prepositional phrases can be made up of a million different words, but they tend to be built the same: a preposition followed by a determiner and an adjective or two, followed by a pronoun or noun (called the object of the preposition). This whole phrase, in turn, takes on a modifying role, acting as an adjective or an adverb, locating something in time and space, modifying a noun, or telling when or where or under what conditions something happened.
Consider the professor's desk and all the prepositional phrases we can use while talking about it.
You can sit before the desk (or in front of the desk). The professor can sit on the desk (when he's being informal) or behind the desk, and then his feet are under the desk or beneath the desk. He can stand beside the desk (meaning next to the desk), before the desk, between the desk and you, or even on the desk (if he's really strange). If he's clumsy, he can bump into the desk or try to walk through the desk (and stuff would fall off the desk). Passing his hands over the desk or resting his elbows upon the desk, he often looks across the desk and speaks of the desk or concerning the desk as if there were nothing else like the desk. Because he thinks of nothing except the desk, sometimes you wonder about the desk, what's in the desk, what he paid for the desk, and if he could live without the desk. You can walk toward the desk, to the desk, around the desk, by the desk, and even past the desk while he sits at the desk or leans against the desk.
All of this happens, of course, in time: during the class, before the class, until the class, throughout the class, after the class, etc. And the professor can sit there in a bad mood [another adverbial construction].
Prepositions of Time: at, on, and in
We use at to designate specific times.
- The train is due at 12:15 p.m.
We use on to designate days and dates.
- My brother is coming on Monday.
- We're having a party on the Fourth of July.
We use in for nonspecific times during a day, a month, a season, or a year.
- She likes to jog in the morning.
- It's too cold in winter to run outside.
- He started the job in 1971.
- He's going to quit in August.
Prepositions of Place: at, on, and in
We use at for specific addresses.
- Grammar English lives at 55 Boretz Road in Durham.
We use on to designate names of streets, avenues, etc.
- Her house is on Boretz Road.
And we use in for the names of land-areas (towns, counties, states, countries, and continents).
- She lives in Durham.
- Durham is in Windham County.
- Windham County is in Connecticut.
|
Prepositions of Location: in, at, and on |
|||
|
IN |
AT |
ON |
NO PREPOSITION |
|
* You may sometimes use different prepositions for these locations. |
|||
Prepositions of Movement: to
and No Preposition
We use to in order to express movement toward a place.
- They were driving to work together.
- She's going to the dentist's office this morning.
Toward and towards are also helpful prepositions to express movement. These are simply variant spellings of the same word; use whichever sounds better to you.
- We're moving toward the light.
- This is a big step towards the project's completion.
With the words home, downtown, uptown, inside, outside, downstairs, upstairs, we use no preposition.
- Grandma went upstairs
- Grandpa went home.
- They both went outside.
Prepositions of Time: for and since
We use for when we measure time (seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years).
- He held his breath for seven minutes.
- She's lived there for seven years.
- The British and Irish have been quarreling for seven centuries.
We use since with a specific date or time.
- He's worked here since 1970.
- She's been sitting in the waiting room since two-thirty.
Prepositions with Nouns, Adjectives, and Verbs.
Prepositions are sometimes so firmly wedded to other words that they have practically become one word. (In fact, in other languages, such as German, they would have become one word.) This occurs in three categories: nouns, adjectives, and verbs.
|
NOUNS and PREPOSITIONS |
||
|
approval of |
fondness for |
need for |
|
ADJECTIVES and PREPOSITIONS |
||
|
afraid of |
fond of |
proud of |
|
VERBS and PREPOSITIONS |
||
|
apologize for |
give up |
prepare for |
Idiomatic Expressions with Prepositions
- agree to a proposal, with a person, on a price, in principle
- argue about a matter, with a person, for or against a proposition
- compare to to show likenesses, with to show differences (sometimes similarities)
- correspond to a thing, with a person
- differ from an unlike thing, with a person
- live at an address, in a house or city, on a street, with other people
Unnecessary Prepositions
In everyday speech, we fall into some bad habits, using prepositions where they are not necessary. It would be a good idea to eliminate these words altogether, but we must be especially careful not to use them in formal, academic prose.
- She met up with the new coach in the hallway.
- The book fell off of the desk.
- He threw the book out of the window.
- She wouldn't let the cat inside of the house. [or use "in"]
- Where did they go to?
- Put the lamp in back of the couch. [use "behind" instead]
- Where is your college at?
For misspellings, use Microsoft Word. For tenses, I suggest you go here: http://www.englishclub.com/grammar/verb-tenses.htm
Got carried away, but anyways, your structure in the first chapter is what? I don’t know if you purposely done that to make it long or so…but why do you skip it? For example:
“Arraseo…” I forced my body to get up, sitting up in bed with Changjo half-bending his body to align his face with mine. I rolled my eyes
And cross my arms.
Why do that? You could just continue.
“Arraseo…” I forced my body to get up, sitting up in bed with Changjo half-bending his body to align his face with mine. I rolled my eyes before or and crossed my arms.
Why is the structure in your first chapter different from the others? You might want to check on that.
Plot (14/20): And for your plot, it’s my typical high-school-Kingkas-living under-your-roof-love-story, ‘Ah, another one’. That’s how I see your story. When I saw your description, I was excited to see the changes and the twist and the troubles to occur in your story. I’ve seen the changes a bit and the twist and the troubles which I’m pleased but your typical bad girl and high school romance plus jealousy and plus a new student is really not new. I’m not saying that you copied their stories but all of us have the same ideas, right? It’s not only you who have that idea but also others. Not completely the same but similar. And yours is way similar. I would like to see how things would turn out for Hyeri, L.Joe, Changjo and Ara. Create a twist that’ll make us completely dumbfounded and that we’ll anticipate more chapters to come.
Characters (10/15): The characters are typical. The Kingkas, the bully, the new student, brother-sister-cousins-best friend status. The background of each characters is fine since it didn’t threw out a lot of the plot but simple the basic information. The personalities that you created in each of your characters are hilarious and I hope that the flow of their emotions and realism doesn’t change.
Flow (7/10): The flow words are fine but the flow of the story is a bit fine. Just don’t drag it too much. The pacing is well-maintained but I would like you to be more descriptive and create (important) scenes. The beat is well-tempo-ed but needs more practice.
Overall Enjoyment (6/10): Truthfully, I really enjoyed your story despite all, I really enjoyed it. Even though I’ve read the same plot over and over again, I’m pleased to read your story.
Ending (/10): I won’t be marking this down.
Overall: (59/90)= 66%
Extra Comments: Was I harsh and too straightforward? Don’t be dishearten by the score, okay? You just need to improve, that’s why. I’m not saying your English or something or that your story isn’t good, but what I’m saying is, a little more. A little more improvement and its good, I did what you told me to. I reviewed your story and made a review of pure honesty from me. Hope you are okay with the review :) Smile. Thank you for requesting and I hope you’ll come back again to request from us. Have a nice day :)
Comments