Wishing for Happiness-isi371

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/379009/wishing-for-happiness-drama-kimwoobin-school2013-leejungsuk

Title: (11/15)

-The title is creative. It has this feeling of longing and some emotion that I can’t explain. But when I read your plot, I can’t somehow imagine or see the connection of the title to the story. But if I’ll think about it…I guess that Woo Bin wish for Jung Suk’s happiness? ….Nope. Really can’t see the connection. Find a suitable title that connects to the story.

-The title is eye-catching and captivating though. It sparks my curiosity very well. It makes me think what is this wishing for happiness? 

Description & Foreword: (7/10)

-So what should I say? The description/foreword isn’t really eye-catching enough. The foreword is the introduction I might say? It’s great and you did a god job in the description, but it isn’t eye-catching that will make the readers ask what it is and want to know more. But you did a good job in introducing the story a bit, but it’s a bit vague.   

Plot: (16/25) points from two categories

• Originality: (11/15)

-To be honest, it’s not original. There are stories with similarities like this. Friends fall in love, then one gets sick or is really sick from the beginning but doesn’t want to tell, then the sickly one leaves his lover, then the other guy will just know that he left and yeah, died or lived. The typical romance of friends. Great. The originality of the story is there, but I can’t point it out where it is considering it a short 7 shot that have a rushed flow. I can’t find the twist in the story.

• Believability: (5/10)

-To be honest, it’s not really believable enough. The story is rushed and I can’t digest in the important information that should be digested in. The other themes are believable enough and the way how you described about their closeness is great. But the sickness? Nah. I can’t figure it out what Jung Suk’s sickness is. There is a lot of sickness or disease that has a symptom of coughing out blood or so. And also the doctor is ridiculous. Coughing out blood and he’ll be fine the next day? I mean come on! I have that symptom! And the doctor would always dread to me how I shouldn’t stress out things and stuffs. (Annoying and y doctor. Hmph) And as I was saying the story’s believability is 25/50%

Presentation: (6/10)

-Because I specialize angst, sadness and a bit friendship…to be honest. You didn’t bring it out well. I didn’t feel any pain nor feel any effect after that. Your genre is Romance, Fluff and Drama. Yeah, I know. The mild fluff is there and so is the romance. The drama can be seen, but not fully enhanced. But why does it contradict your summary? Taking a look on your sort Summary from the form Love, Sorrow and Friendship is there. A story of love, sorrow and friendship.. The friendship and love is there alright, but where is the sorrow? The sorrow by the fact that Jung Suk died? The sorrow by the fact that Jung Suk and Woo Bin weren’t together in the end? That’s not sorrow.

It’s not even close to sorrow. Sorrow is the combination of angst and drama. You must deliver it out well if you want to define sorrow. Make things realistic. Don’t rush things.

• Friendship stands out more. It provides its contribution to the story very well, concerning the concern of Woo Bin for his friend and how friends interact in real life.
• Fluff stands out also and is very sweet!

• Love isn’t enhanced well in the story. I can’t feel the love from the story. I only felt that the starting point of love, but not the whole.
• The Drama is a bit short and should be a bit longer.

• Sorrow as I have said isn’t seen on the story. Mild angst is seen. The sorrow is too short to be called a sorrow. Mild angst would be a perfect theme for that.

 -Other than the ones above, the font and size are okay and easy to read.

Characters: (9/15)

-The characters. Okay. I’ll make this short. The characters aren’t well-defined nor well-explained. I don’t even know how they were able to progress with such vague background. Woo Bin is a/an? I don’t even know. I don’t what he specialize or should I say occupation is. I don’t even know what his past is nor his description or background. Or will I take it out from the reality? If so, it still needs to be explained in the story.

And about Jung Suk, I definitely don’t know him anymore. I mean, what is his sickness? What is his past? What is his description or background in life? What is his true character? Or Will I take it again from reality. And once again, please do explain it in the story.

-Let me give you tips:

• Give descriptions or backgrounds to the characters so that the readers would have knowledge of who they are and what they are and what specific role do they have in the story.
• Don’t give away all the description or background carelessly. Minimize and give the right amount of description.
• The characters must contribute to the story well even if it is minor and must stick on their real attitudes or characters. I’m not saying that you should completely stick on his attitude all the time.
• It is fine to have a twist of attitude to the characters since all of us in reality are like that.

-So let me now point out their good points. Their attitudes are nice and neat? I know there’s a question mark, it’s just because I don’t really know if that is there real characters. But if it is, then it is nice and neat. Their attitudes are easy to understand I could understand Woo Bin’s anxiousness and concern for his friend. Friendship is well defined on the story and so is love.

 

Spelling & Grammar: (7/10)

 -Let’s see I’ve seen a lot?

Spelling-[some]

Grammar-[Some]

Syntax-[None]

Adverbs and Adjectives-[None]

Articles-[None]

Punctuations-[some]

Capitalization-[Some]

Choice of Words-{Great}

Misspellings:

Description/Foreword: south-Korea-[South Korea]

Chapter One: replayed-[replied]

So yep, Decided to show you the ‘some’ misspellings.

-I’m completely impressed by your well-built spelling & grammar that supports the story very well.

Writing Style: (6/10)

\-The writing style is okay. But concerning it to the title, it should be descriptive, detailed and well-explained. I also notice that you put hangul words. Which is nice and we could learn from it also, but for some readers (like my partner) finds it bothering. You could put it in your author notes and write there what it means.

Flow: (6/10)

-The flow is rushed. It is rushed that I can’t understand how Jung Suk got his illness. How things passed by so very fast. Try adding details or at least provide a prequel of the story so that the readers (and I) would know what really happened before Jung Suk moved into the remote part of South Korea.

Enjoyment: (15/15)

-To be specifically frank, I enjoyed the story. I liked it. The interaction is good and fun and a bit breath-taking. The cliff hanger is such a major troll. -_- Regardless of what I said above, the story is really nice and well-built. I liked the story no matter how much I saw the story is lacking. I enjoyed the story very well. So yep. Full points~  

Bonus: (3/5)

-You deserve at least 3 points bonus considering it’s your first story and that you wrote a great story.  

Total Score: 86/125=69%

 

Extra: I’m so sorry for the harsh comments that I gave you ;A; But it’s for your own good. It’s a way for you to improve your story. I hope this will be able to help you ^^ Thank you for requesting and come back again!