The First-072013

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/386531

Title: 14-15 points

-Let me say, that the title isn’t much seen, yet, somehow gave the feeling that is familiar to a film. It may not be the same, but the feeling is there. The spark of curiosity is there also it attracts my attention, letting me ponder what the story is about. It definitely captivates the reader’s eyes.

-It could be changed, but the title is nice and simple :) 

Description & Foreword: 8-10 points

-I think the description is enough, though. IT already gave out the hint to readers and it doesn’t reveal too much to the readers what the whole plot will be. The description simply gives out the basic knowledge of what will happen to characters, but did it tell what will happen in the end? No, right? So the description is enough and well-said. Just found some punctuation and some tense that needs to be placed at.

Ex. What would you do, if the person you love doesn’t remember you the next time you meet?

Plot: 20-25 points from two categories

• Originality: 12-15 points

-You probably know it’s a bit cliché, yet, your story is giving of the feeling that there’ll be a twist in the story. To make up for your description, since you gave out a hint; put up a twist in the story to make it up for the description and the originality of your story.

-But, hey, I love this kind of story.

• Believability: 8-10 points

-The story is not quite believable enough due to some of the fast paced scenes and the romance is lacking in it. And that’s why I conclude, that, maybe you’ll put it up a bit later on in a different chapter. Just work on with your drama and the scenes, to make it real and believable enough.

-This also makes up for your originality. 

Presentation: 8-10 points

-Hahaha. The presentation is nice and clean. I could already sense the vibe of angst and drama already! (Sinister laugh) Ehem. Sorry. Lost my composure. About the romance, I could see no connection at all. Their love for each other is way too fast for me. But I guess, you’ll be showing it a bit later, how they’ll fall in love? Or not? But either way, the vibe of romance is not felt. I could sense no romance at all. That’s the only genre you failed to give out. The drama and angst is good and I felt it. Just the romance.

-Having it out of chronological order is fine, but manage it. Try focusing on the pacing of the story. They are confused, but, they’ll wait for you to arrange it and make some more. The teaser is fine, but like what I said, some parts are confusing and are fast paced. Try slowing it down, because it’s way too fast.

-The fonts are fine and are well-seen.

Characters: 13-15 points

-Characters…let’s see…The character haven’t show themselves fully considering there’s only three chapters released. But the readers would get some hints if they’ll read the chapters with careful observation and intake, though. I caught some hints of what they are already.

-I’m just going to look forward who they really and what they are and how they’ll develop in the story and how you’ll give them the enough emotion that’ll make us understand who they are and what they are.

Spelling & Grammar: 8-10 points

-What should I tell? Hmm….I found some errors in your story. That’s all though.

*Spelling [Some]

*Tense [Some]

*Punctuations [Some]

*Capitalization [Some]

*Grammar [None]

*Syntax [None]

*Adverb and Adjective [None]

*Choice of Words {Great}

-Spelling: I just found some misspellings. 2 to 3 I think? Yeah maybe. When a keen reader finds it, it’ll be disturbing for him, but, even though it’s not a keen reader, they’ll find it  bit disturbing for they cannot comprehend what the author is trying to say.

-Tense: Tenses are present, past and future, right? If you’re going to stick on one of those, then stick on that until the end and until you have to change the perspective.

-Punctuations: Comma for pause and a period to end and Semi-colon to connect two clauses.

-Capitalization: I noticed that after the dialogue, the first letter of the subject or article is not capitalized.

Writing Style: 9-10 points

-Depending on the title and description, yes. It requires a great deal of description and details. So you have to have a descriptive style. Yours is simple the mild descriptive style. Try upgrading. Try using more details to enhance the plot and to fit the presentation, you are giving.

-But, let me tell you that I love how the way you write your stories. It’s truly intriguing and simple and easy to understand.

-When you are going to upgrade, just use simple words and don’t put too much details, just some to fit the plot that you are trying to portray. Great words shouldn’t be used too much, because they’ll often ruin the mood, making the readers think what that meaning is. Just use the simple and basic words. Those are the sets of beautiful and easy words for the readers to simply take in how you could create such simple words and turn it into a great word with deep meaning making an impact to the readers when you write a sentence.

Flow: 8-10 points

 -The flow is simple and well-paced. The first chapter is a teaser and is irrelevant to the present time of Chapter two and three. You gave out a notice about the chronological order, right? The flow of the story is well-balanced. The flow does not have unnecessary scenes at all, but rushed. It may be well-balanced, but some parts are rushed. I couldn’t grasp on what’s happening though.

-Just a tip. If you’ll ever have more chapters manage your chapters and think how they’ll perfectly fit, so that it won’t be confusing for the readers.

Enjoyment: 15-15 points

-Well, did I enjoy the story? What do you think?

-Of course, I did! How could I not? The thrill is there! The enjoyment is there! Even though there are few chapters, but, the feeling of wanting more is settling in my heart. I’ve truly loved your story…Gosh. Please update more! Pretty please! *puppy eyes*

Bonus: 5-5 points

-You deserve the bonus, you know. Why?

-It’s because of the poster.

-I mean, come on! The poster is one wow-exotic poster! It has the right amount of hue and the hue is perfect! The font is simple, yet, fitted the poster. The background is simple and nice! The pictures are boom!

-So yeah, you probably know why I gave you a bonus, right? Such poster needs to be scored.  

Total Score: 108/125=86%

Extra: Hey! Cherry here ^^ The story simply intrigues me and I want for more! Hehe. Hope you’re satisfied with the review. Thank you so much for requesting and hope you’ll come back again! ^^