I'll Be

Written by GreenGardenPop & Reviewed by BringingyBaek

 

Title: 10/15

To be perfectly honest, your title isn't very eye-catching. I wouldn't have clicked on your story if I saw it on AFF, and having an eye-catching title for your is very important because it's the very first thing a reader will see they come across your story in the list of fan fiction. It's a bit plain as well, and I just didn't like your title very much.

However, I will have to admit that your title actually matches the plot of your story very well. When I started reading the description and all that, I was searching for anything that would tell me why your title was "I'll Be", but I couldn't find anything, so I was rather confused at the beginning. But when I read your story and finished it, I finally realized why it was entitled "I'll Be" and decided that it matched your plot perfectly. I can't help but feel like it was a bit incomplete though. Maybe you should've put in a ellipsis at the end?

 

Description & Foreword: 10/10

I loved your description and foreword. The description was just absolutely perfect; it didn't give away too much of the story and it revealed just enough to get readers curious. Your description was very simple, but it was just perfect and it definitely lured me in.

The poem you wrote in the foreword was good as well. It gave readers a good insight of how Baekhyun felt about Jiyeon and how her music calmed him. It didn't exactly rhyme and there were some grammatical errors, but I'll get back to you on that later.

 

Plot: 25 points from two categories

• Originality: 7/15

I have mixed feelings about the originality for your story. I've seen quite a few stories with a boy/girl who falls in love with another boy/girl, but due to his/her's lack of confidence and courage, he/she didn't approach him/her until later on, and soon after their meeting, one of them has to move away. Basically, the plot of your story is not very original, but the whole stalker!Baekhyun thing is quite original. I don't see a lot of stories with a stalker as one of it's main characters, since most authors don't want to portray their characters negatively, so extra points for that!

 

• Believability: 3/10

Unfortunately, your story wasn't very believable. The fact that Jiyeon's pretty much perfect (she's pretty, talented, does Taekwondo, etc.) but still doesn't have much self-confidence is just unrealistic. Also, it's unrealistic that Jiyeon would just accept a ride home from a complete stranger. I mean, isn't she afraid of getting kidnapped or whatever? And don't say that she can defend herself with Taekwondo, because let me tell you this, chloroform is definitely a lot stronger than Jiyeon's Taekwondo, no matter how good she is.

Another thing that's unrealistic is how Baekhyun is so touchy with Jiyeon. I mean, how could he just caress her face upon the first few minutes of meeting her? Even if he did do it unconsciously, it just wasn't very realistic.

And another thing that's slightly unrealistic is that fact that Jiyeon had to move right after her first meeting with Baekhyun. I know that it could just be a coincidence, but still, it's rather unrealistic. I've seen quite a lot of dramas and read fan fics with one of the characters moving away shortly after his/her meeting with someone else.

 

Presentation: 10/10

Nothing wrong with the presentation of your story! I liked how you put all the links to the reviews of your story at the very bottom of the foreword and kept them all in tiny font, because some people tend to go overboard with stuff like that and decide to make the font size 100 or something like that. I also thought that the font you used for your story was very pretty. Or maybe I'm just biased because I use the exact same font.

 

Characters: 8/15 points

Baekhyun's character was perfectly fine; there was nothing wrong with him or the way he behaved and he seemed normal enough. However, Jiyeon (I'm not sure if she's an OC or T-ARA's Jiyeon, although it would be rather odd for her to be T-ARA's Jiyeon, since I've never seen any ships between Baek and Jiyeon) is a Mary Sue. She's too perfect to be realistic; she's beautiful, knows how to defend herself against creepy erts, plays the guitar, and sings like an angel. Even if you kind of portrayed her as cold around strangers, it's a flaw that most Mary Sue's have, and doesn't really make me think of her less as a person.

Oh, there is another thing that's a bit strange about Jiyeon: she didn't get mad when a complete stranger touched her face and pretty much molested her. Okay fine, Baekhyun didn't exactly molest Jiyeon, but still, he touched her face in a rather intimate manner. Why didn't Jiyeon use her Taekwondo on him and karate chop his windpipe? It just didn't make sense.

 

Spelling & Grammar: 4/10

Your spelling was perfectly fine, but your grammar was not good. There were a lot of grammatical errors in your oneshot, but they were mostly mistakes on tenses, plural and singular nouns, and stuff like that, which I recently learned is actually very common in stories nowadays.

[How it was written] I'm sure many people will like you and become your fans,

[How it should be written] I'm sure many people will like you and become your fan, 

 

[How it was written] I responded as I handed her guitar case to her. 

[How it should be written] I responded as I handed the guitar case back to her.

 

[How it was written]  I uttered in a soft tone as I gave her a beaming smile,

[How it should be written] I uttered softly as I gave her a bright smile.

Those were only a few mistakes that I pointed out, but most of your mistakes were similar to these, so I decided to just point out these particular ones. Admittedly, the part where you wrote "beaming smile" is actually correct, but it sounded a bit off, so I decided to change it to make it sound better.

 

Writing Style: 10/10

Your writing style is just perfect. It was just so simple, yet descriptive at the same time. I loved how you described the environment and atmosphere of some scenes with really simple and pretty words. Your writing style really fit the mood of your story, and your writing style is actually one of my favorite's because of the way it's so descriptive, pretty, and simple at the same time.

 

Flow: 4/10

Your story felt like it was too rushed. I understand that Jiyeon had to move right after Baekhyun's first meeting with her, but still, it felt very rushed and it was far too fast-paced for a romantic story. I think that you should've put in a little back story or something like that. Like, a back story for Baekhyun, explaining a bit more about why Baekhyun didn't believe in love at first sight.

 

Enjoyment: 14/15

I actually enjoyed the story very much. It was well-written, romantic, and had a romantic and sad ending, which I personally really like because it shows that the author isn't afraid to write sad endings and think out of the box. The flow of the story irked me a little, which is why I docked off a point, but other than that, you did quite well.

 

Bonus: 0/5

I honestly don't feel like you deserve any bonus points. There wasn't anything that was particularly amazing about this story (except for your writing style), so I decided to not give you any bonus points.

 

Total Score: 80/125= 64%

 

Extra: Continue to write. I can already see so much potential in you, and although your grammar isn't very good, it's something that you can improve over time. I really do look forward to reading more of your stories, and I hope that you come for more reviews here next tiime!

Happy Valentines Day~