Memory in the Rain

Written by GreenGardenPop & Reviewed by BringingyBaek

 

 

Title: 13/15

Your title actually matched the plot of your story perfectly. It has a romantic and angst feel to it, so it matched the mood of your story as well. I like how your title was very simple yet eye-catching at the same time. It revealed just enough to get readers interested and I definitely would've clicked on your story and read it if I came across it on AFF!  It's a really good title and it's just perfect for your story, but I've seen one or two fan fics with a title similar to yours so I'll have to be taking off a few points for that.

Other than that, you're actually really good at coming up with titles. All your titles are so beautiful and just fit so perfectly with your stories, so keep up the good work!

 

Description & Foreword: 9/10

Almost perfect points for your description and foreword.. Just like the description for "I'll Be", this description was just perfect and everything was just so beautiful. The description, quote, and poem were all just amazing and beautiful. They didn't give away too much of the story and told just enough. However, the poem in the foreword didn't really make sense to me. I understood some parts, but the rest was a bit confusing.

I believe that this has something to do with your grammar, which, like I've said before, isn't very good. You tend to word things strangely sometimes and this causes things to be a bit confusing. But since this is the criteria for Description & Foreword and not for Spelling & Grammar, I will only be taking off a single mark.

The reason for this is because the description and foreword of a story is very important. Think of it as the first impression to a reader. The first two things a reader will see when he/she reads your story is (excluding the poster) your description and foreword. After they read your description and foreword, they have 5 seconds to decide whether they want to continue reading your story or not. If your description and foreword doesn't have good grammar or spelling, chances are, the rest of the story will be exactly the same, and some readers (like me) won't want to continue reading if they spot mistakes in your description.

Therefore, it's very important that you try to make sure that there are no mistakes in your description.

 

Plot: 25 points from two categories

• Originality: 7/15

To be perfectly honest, your story was not very original. I've seen at least two other fan fics with plots quite similar to yours and had pretty much the same idea as your story. Admittedly, I first thought that your story was original, but when I did my research, I found out that it isn't actually. Your plot is still rather unique though, and although a couple of stories were similar to yours, there weren't a lot of them.

• Believability: 4/10

Your story was rather unrealistic and I found some scenes to be a bit hard to believe. One example would be the whole "Arranged Marriage" deal between Jiyeon and Jaejoong. I'm not sure when this story was set, but based on my knowledge, arranged marriages are pretty much unheard of nowadays. Although I do know someone who was in an arranged marriage, it was because she was very poor and lived very traditionally. I'm pretty sure that Jiyeon and Jaejoong's families are financially stable, so it wasn't very realistic for them to be in an arranged marriage.

Next time, I suggest that you work on making more realistic scenes.

 

Presentation: 10/10

Just like "I'll Be", I had no issues with this criteria. Everything was formatted neatly and clearly.

 

Characters: 10/15

I liked the way you portrayed Myungsoo's character in your story because you didn't portray him as the regular stereotyped Myungsoo; a cold-hearted playboy. I loved reading about a sensitive and loving Myungsoo! It's such a refreshing change from all those fics with Myungsoo as the jerk or playboy. I'm not going to focus much on Myungsoo's character because I know that you want me to focus on Jiyeon, so I'll just end this review for Myungsoo's character with this: I really love the way you portray all these idols!

This Jiyeon is, unfortunately, still a bit of a Mary Sue. You see, a Mary Sue is someone who's so perfect that she's unrealistic, with only a few flaws that actually make her seem cuter. Clumsiness and shyness are popular "flaws" that most Mary Sue's have. Jiyeon doesn't have any flaws similar to a Mary Sue, so she's not that much of a Mary Sue and you've actually improved a bit on making OC's, so don't worry too much about  that. I know that you don't want to make another Mary Sue character, even if she's a bit of a Mary Sue or a lot, so I'll explain to you a bit more about Mary Sue's and the like.  

First, think about all of Jiyeon's traits; she's smart, beautiful, kind, helpful, and has the heart to love someone enough to actually sacrifice her own life for him or her. Now, answer this: Doesn't she seem perfect?

Yes, yes she does actually.

Jiyeon has everything a girl could ever want: beauty, brains, and kindness. This leads her to become someone who's considered "perfect". Now, I know that there may be some people who are actually like this, but generally speaking, they are kind of perfect. If you really think about it, Jiyeon is too perfect to be realistic, since so much female OC's on AFF nowadays are so perfect that it's boring. 

Before you start creating an OC, you have to start thinking about her traits, personality, and the chances of you making her into a Mary Sue. Think about actual flaws you could give her and all that. Don't be afraid about making your OC imperfect, because there's a high chance that you'll end up making a Mary Sue all over again if you  keep making her beautiful, smart, and kind.

And trust me, I will instantly subscribe to your story if you make the female OC a regular person and actually have good grammar and spelling in the story.

Oh, one last warning though: never, ever, describe an OC as a "Regular/Average girl", because I'll start asking you questions like, "Average in terms of what?", "Is she considered average in different countries or areas?", "What makes her average in this certain criteria?", and "What is considered average?"

 

Spelling & Grammar: 7/10

Your spelling was almost perfect as ever, and your grammar actually improved! Your mistakes were minor and your sentences were still understandable, so I'm not going to take off a lot of points for that. I'll only be pointing out two mistake since all your mistakes were minor and I personally don't feel like there's a need for me to point them all out.

[How it was written]  She told me that when she had trouble with the software that she used for spatial analysis,

[How it should be written] She told me that when she had trouble with the software she use for special analyses,

 

[How it was written] She said that the melody of the music brought a calm and peace to her as if she was flying high into the sky like a bird, when she listened to this song.

[How it should be written] She said that whenever she listened to this song, the melody of the music gave her a calming and peaceful feeling, as if she was a bird flying high into the sky.

For the last mistake, I rephrased it a little bit so that it would sound a bit better. I actually think that your grammar has improved quite a lot, so keep it up and great job!

 

Writing Style: 10/10

The genre for this story is very similar to "I'll Be" and I gave it a perfect score because your writing style matched it's plot perfectly. I feel the same way about "Memory in the Rain", so full marks for you.

 

Flow: 10/10

It didn't feel rushed nor did it feel too long because your entire story was set in one setting and you only changed it once. There were quite a lot of flashbacks but they were relevant and all very important, so I'm not taking off any points for that.

 

Enjoyment: 10/15

I enjoyed your story, but I didn't enjoy it as much as I expected myself to. I think this is because your story is similar to your last one, and due to their similarities, I kind of felt bored and already knew what to expect. You are an amazing angst writer, but please try to think of different endings next time. Don't just stick to the same type of ending for every story, even if it's a little bit different.

 

Bonus: 0/5 points

I personally don't feel like you deserve bonus points, because, like I said in the previous criteria, I got a little bit bored of your ending. 

 

Total Score: 90/125= 72%

 

Extra: Thank you so much for requesting from this review shop twice and please try to think of more creative endings! Have a nice day and thank you~