A Hundred Days

Written by exoapplesauce & Reviewed by BringingyBaek

 

Title: 7/15

Honestly, I have mixed feelings about the title of your story; I've seen hundreds of other stories with titles similar to these, yet your title matches the plot of your story perfectly. Your title is common actually. If you go and search "A Hundred Days" on AFF, you'll find a lot of stories, drabbles, and oneshots with that title, although a few may be worded differently or slightly different.

Actually, I managed to find two other stories with the exact same title as yours, and coincidentally, they were both EXO fics. Therefore, I can't say that your title is a unique one or a very original one, and I'll have to take off marks for that.

Your title didn't really intrigue me, but maybe it's because it's a common title? That's probably it, since I personally wouldn't click on your story and read it unless I was looking for something to do and was feeling very bored. Admittedly, it is quite a pretty title, but it just doesn't interest me that much.

However, the title of your story is actually perfect for your plot. Your story definitely has a clear reason to why it's entitled "A Hundred Days", and I must say that it is actually very fitting for the story. In fact, among all the other stories I've seen that have titles similar to yours, yours matched your title the best.  Most of the others were about wedding contracts and all (which is very unrealistic by the way), but yours was about a man learning that he has an illness and that he's left with only  a hundred days to live.

Simply put, your title was perfect for your story, but still very common and not that interesting.

 

Description & Foreword: 6/10 points

I liked your description, but there wasn't anything that really grabbed my attention or anything like that. It was simple and told just enough information about the story, but at the same time, didn't exactly lure me in that much. It lured me in a little bit, but not really. I personally found that to be a bit strange, because I usually like descriptions similar to yours, but for some reason, your description seemed a little bit... dry.

I think it may have something to do with the last line, "Luhan is going to find out on this trip of lies, hate and love."

Just by reading that one line, I felt like I was going to watch some bad reality show or something like that. Strangely enough, that line reminded me of Glee or Desperate Housewives (I'M NOT SAYING THAT THEY'RE BAD SHOWS OKAY),  and that's just really strange but it turned me off anyway. I think that last line was a bit unnecessary, and it actually gave away a little bit too much, since it pretty much told readers that Luhan and Sehun were going to fall in love, even though it was rather obvious already.

 

Plot: 25 points from two categories

• Originality: 9/15

I don't think I've seen a story like this before, however, I think I've seen an Asian drama similar to your story, which is kind of worse because Asian dramas tend to be very cheesy and cliché. Admittedly, the drama was only similar in terms of the whole "My love interest has cancer" idea, but the idea of Luhan having a list of things he wanted to do before he passes away was quite original, and I actually really liked that idea.

To me, that idea seemed very... romantic.

I really liked how Luhan had something that he could look to every day, even if he knew that with each passing day, he was a day closer to the date of his estimated death. No, I did not like the fact that he had to die because he's my EXO-M bias and he's just perfect and all, but still, I liked your idea.

 

• Believability: 2/10

Personally, I think it's a bit unrealistic for someone's estimated death to be exactly 100 days, but since it's probably just an estimate, I think I'll be able to let that go. However, there's another unrealistic thing, and it's the fact that Luhan has stage 3 cancer but never had symptoms or tell-tale signs of it before. And Luhan passing out once does not really count either.

What about all the early symptoms of cancer out there? What about feeling pain? Changes in lymph nodes? Weight loss without trying? Changes in skin and finding blood where it shouldn't be?

Well, I suppose that they're different symptoms of cancer depending on which cancer you got, and that leads us to another problem; the doctor never informed Luhan what type of cancer he got.

Did Luhan get leukemia? cancer (Sounds impossible, but trust me, it exists)? Testicular cancer?

It's  unrealistic that the doctor didn't inform Luhan of what type of cancer he got, and this led me to believe that you didn't do your research on cancer, which is a very important thing because one, cancer plays a very important role in your story, and two, you, as the author of the story, should at least have some knowledge about the illness you're writing about.

And another thing is that the whole procedure of the doctor telling Luhan about his illness was also unrealistic. I mean, Luhan wakes up in a room with no one in it, then a doctor brings him to an autopsy room without even offering an explanation to why he was brought there, and then he decided to just break the news without a formal introduction. Also, I don't see why the doctor brought Luhan to the autopsy room, because from my knowledge, all he did was tell Luhan the news without showing him any pictures or reports, so bringing him all the way to the autopsy room was a hassle and extremely unnecessary. 

 

Presentation: 7/10

I didn't actually feel any pain as I read your story, but something about the way you formatted your story bothered me a little bit. Your description and foreword was almost perfectly fine. In the last sentence of your description, you changed the color for the word "love", and that was unnecessary even if it was only the description and you were probably just trying to make it look pretty.

I also didn't really like how you formatted the first chapter; aligning one part to the right, and then the other to the left. I understand that you were trying to show a POV change, but you could've done it differently, like inserting a horizontal line or something like that.

Other than those two complaints, there's nothing else I didn't like about the way you presented your story.

 

Characters: 15 points

Well, I can't exactly score you on this criteria properly since I've only read one chapter and it didn't focus on the characterization of Luhan and Sehun, but instead it just showed the readers how the story began. I'll be cutting out the this criteria from the total score, don't worry, but I'll just tell you what I expect to see from the main characters.

Since the main idea of this story is about Luhan doing all the things on his list with Sehun to help him and accompany him, I kind of expect Sehun to be the person that Luhan can lean on when his sickness starts to take its toll on him. I see Sehun as someone that Luhan can depend on whenever he needs some comfort or whatever, but this is just what I expect from your story.

Who knows, you might have a different idea of how you want to portray your characters, but this is just random and I just wanted to tell you how I picture the characters to be like.

 

Spelling & Grammar: 4/10

Your spelling was perfectly fine and I didn't see any spelling mistakes anywhere, so that's all good, but you need to work on your grammar. I often see you make mistakes on speech and sometimes, things just don't make any sense.

[How it was written] The doctor replied with a curt nod,

"No, a parent or guardian must come and take you home"

[How it should be written] The doctor shook his head and replied, "No, a parent or guardian must come and take you home."

 

[How it was written] Just then, the doctor walked in the door causing Sehun the chills when the cold air from outside hit him.

[How it should be written] Just then, the doctor walked in through the door, giving Sehun the chills when the cold air from outside hit him.

The first mistake I pointed out should actually be connected together. You're not supposed to separate the phrase describing the way the person spoke with his/her speech.

I suggest that you work on your grammar and try to fix the mistakes I pointed out, because this is only your first chapter, and by reading the first chapter, readers will be able to know what type of story they'll be reading and what type of grammar and spelling they're going to expect, so this is a important criteria that you need to work on.

 

Writing Style: 0/10 points

Just by reading your first chapter, I could immediately tell that you're not a very descriptive writer. In fact, you were barely descriptive, only describing a little bit of a couple of scenes and then stopping altogether. Personally, I like descriptive writing styles, because it makes the writing seem more real and I'll  be able to actually picture scenes as I read them. I'm alright with writing styles that are simple and not very descriptive, but to be honest, I did not like your writing style.

Also, your writing style would not match the mood of your story. "A Hundred Days" is a story with genres like angst, romance, and fluff, which means that a more descriptive writing style will be needed if you want to pull this story off. I'm not trying to say that you have a bad writing style, because I know that some readers actually like very simple writing styles like yours, but I think it will be hard for you to pull this type of story off if you're not a descriptive writer, so I suggest that you work on your writing style.

 

Flow: 3/10

Things just felt rushed and your story was a bit too fast-paced for an angst and romantic story. At one point, Luhan was at work, then it was the evening and he passed out, then he's at a hospital and he learns he has cancer. I'm fairly sure that this has something to do with the fact that you're not descriptive, so working on your writing style will actually help with the flow.

 

Enjoyment: 6/15

Since you only have your first chapter up, I can't exactly tell you whether I enjoyed your story or not, but I'm definitely going to check on your story once in a while to see how it goes. I must admit that I'm quite interested in where the story is going and I want to see how the characters develop, what things Luhan listed down, and how the relationship between him and Sehun will develop. So far though, I didn't exactly enjoy your story, so I'm afraid that I'll have to give you low marks.

 

Bonus: 0/5 points

There wasn't anything special about this story, so I feel no need for me to give you any bonus points.

 

Total Score: 44/125 110= 40%

 

Extra: I truly am sorry for giving you such a low score, but in the request you told me that you wanted me to be super blunt, but I got a bit worried and went only half-super blunt (lol wat.) and ended up giving you this score. I'm sorry if I somehow made you lose motivation to write, and hopefully you'll continue your fic and improve your writing!

You can always come back (although I doubt you would, cos I'm scary) and get another one of your stories reviewed again if you want!

Sorry, thank you for reviewing, and have a nice day!