Kai is my boyfriend but Kris is my soulmate?!

Written by KimSooYeon & Reviewed by BringingyBaek

 

Title: 6/15

Honestly, I think that your title is cliche and it is like almost every other story on AFF. It's overused, a bit boring, and actually pretty common if you look through AFF stories and read their titles. There was something about this title that irked me. Perhaps it was because the title was too dramatic?

However, your title does match your plot, and it does intrigue me to why and how Kris is your soulmate when Kai is your boyfriend. Your title got me interested in your story and I kind of felt like I actually wanted to read your story, but there are a two things I would like to talk about first.

First of all, the title and description/foreword of a story will give readers a good idea of what type of story they're reading and how the grammar, spelling, and punctuation will be like further into the story. Thus, you have to work hard to make sure that your title and description/foreword will make a good first impression on readers, so that you'll be able to attract lots of subscribers.

Judging from the title, I automatically assumed that I would be reading a comedy because of the melodramatic feel it gave me. When a title ends with "?!" or maybe with even more exclamation marks, it will give off a melodramatic and exaggerated feel. This will lead the story into sounding like a comedy, and judging from your description and plot, your story isn't a comedy, but instead, it has more serious genres, such as action, adventure, and fantasy. So, I suggest that you stay away from having question marks and exclamation marks in your title unless you're trying to go for a happy or funny title.

Second, your title is not capitalized and punctuated properly. Kai's and Kris' names may be capitalized properly, but you also need to capitalize the rest of the words, excluding "is". There should be a comma after the word "boyfriend". Also, there was no need for you to capitalize all of "soulmate". This gives the title even more of a melodramatic feel.

[How it was written] Kai is my boyfriend but Kris is my SOULMATE?!

[How it should be written] Kai is My Boyfriend, but Kris is My Soulmate?!

Basically, your title wasn't really bad, but it wasn't really good at the same time. It's slightly interesting, but it's not something I would click on and read either. Next time, think carefully about your title; will it match the mood I'm setting for my story? Is it punctuated and capitalized correctly? 

 

Description & Foreword: 6/10

The description of the story was perfectly fine; it didn't give away too much of the story and it told just enough. It was quite interesting and it gave some insight of how Earth is like now, which was rather informative as well. However, something about the description was a bit... off. I can't really put my finger on it, but I think that the way you worded the description was a bit weird.

The adjectives used for Earth sounded a bit odd. Perhaps it was because of the word "loving"?

There were also a few grammar mistakes in the description, but I'm not going to point them all out, so I'll just correct one of the mistakes you made.

[How it was written] The Earth is now a place where humans lived in fear and hostility towards their own kind.

[How it should be written] Earth is now a place where humans live in fear and hostility towards their own kind.

It's a minor mistake, but still, it's there.

You incorrectly used the word "shun" as well. To shun someone or something is to avoid, ignore, or reject something, so you don't "shun away" something, but instead, you just "shun".

 

Placing the character descriptions in the foreword was fine, but I suggest that you move the plot to the description; right below the red text. Your author's note should've been typed at the very bottom of the foreword, and not at the top. 

There's also something else I would like to say about the description and foreword, but I'll just talk about it in the "Presentation" category.

 

Plot: 25 points from two categories

• Originality: 7/15

To be perfectly honest, your story wasn't very original. It's cliche and nowadays, I've been seeing a lot of vampire stories similar to yours on AFF. Just by reading the second chapter, I was absolutely convinced that Kris would eventually meet with Minjung and fall in love with her. Ditto forMinjung, except she would be feeling torn and confused about having to choose between the two men she loved; Kai and Kris.

Admittedly, I did enjoy the random scenes of EXO-K and Minjung just playing around and hanging out. It showed that they were all very close and although the scenes were a bit random, they were rather enjoyable and nice. I also liked the part when Kai met his soulmate, and I actually felt a bit upset when I learned that Kai no longer loved Minjung. I mean, to have loved and depended on someone for your entire life, to have leaned on this person for so long because he was always there for you when you needed him, only for you to learn that he no longer loves you, but is now in love with another woman is just heartbreaking. Ouch.

For your next story, I suggest that you try to come up with a plot that's original, new, and different! I know, I know, it's easier said than done, but maybe you could find an overused plot and give it a twist!

• Believability: 3/10

I'm fairly sure that you didn't put that much effort into researching about vampires since the description of vampires in your story match the typical stereotyped description of vampires, and I highly suggest that you do more research on the topic of vampires (or whatever you'll be writing about) next time, since research plays a very important role when it comes to writing fantasy fan fiction.

Also, a couple of scenes in your story weren't very believable. Whatever reason you give to me, some scenes just don't make sense at all.

Like the scene where Kris went to the same market Minjung went to. It just wasn't believable, because one, he was the enemy, two, no matter how whiny Tao is, he probably wouldn't be so stupid that he would force his own hyung into the enemies territory, and three, Kris, as the leader of EXO-M, would definitely not be so careless that he would actually venture into the enemies territory, with or without a disguise.

And the scene where Kris was suddenly so enthusiastic and determined to find his Soulmate when he was so against it earlier. If you want Kris to suddenly change his mind about meeting his Soulmate, at least write about all the thoughts he had and the process he went through in order to make that decision.

Try thinking up more realistic scenes next time.

 

Presentation: 7/10

You didn't do anything wrong as you actually wrote the story, but your description and foreword was just a massive explosion of bright colors and huge font sizes. I understand that you were probably just trying to attract more subscribers and make the story look pretty and bright, but you went just a little bit overboard with the customization. You changed font colors a bit too much and some of the font sizes were a bit big.

I have to say though, you did a good job making sure that the font sizes weren't too big. Also, you didn't change font that much, but when you did, the font change was acceptable and it wasn't painful to the eyes, so good job on that!

Next time, just bold and underline your warnings and all that. There's no need to change their font color and increase the font size.

 

Characters: 8/15

Are the OC's Mary Sue's or Gary Stu's? Are the OC's unrealistic and fake? Will the OC's develop or change over the course of the story? Were any idols stereotyped? (Kai as a playboy, Onew as a chicken-maniac, Jessica and/or Tiffany as a )

The OC's (as far as I could tell since there were only a few of them) were all --unfortunately-- Mary Sue's. Your main character, Yoon Minjung, may seem like she's not a Mary Sue to you, but she is, in fact, a Mary Sue. Just in case you don't know what a Mary Sue is, click here for multiple definitions of what a Mary Sue is.

Minjung is too perfect to be realistic; beautiful, kind, powerful, and innocent. Giving her cute and endearing flaws like being clumsy and shy makes her even more of a Mary Sue, since Mary Sue's tend to have flaws that aren't actually flaws, if that makes sense. Minjung's shyness and clumsiness, which are supposed to be her flaws, make her seem cuter and it's just unrealistic. Even being hot-headed and stubborn makes Minjung a Mary Sue, since these are traits that I often see in a Mary Sue.

Give Minjung more flaws. Realistic flaws that make people think of her less. Don't be afraid of making Minjung imperfect, otherwise, all your other OC's will become textbook Mary Sue's.

Something I have to praise you on though, is the way you portrayed the idols.

You went against pretty much every stereotype there is for the EXO members (except for a few members but at least you didn't exaggerate it), and I really respect you for that. It's really hard for me to find stories where Kai isn't the badass playboy, but is instead, the shy and cute boy who is still young and a kid at heart. I liked how you portrayed Kai as childish and cute, Chanyeol as warm and charming, and Xiumin as the secretly cunning guy, since that's the way I see them all.

Keep it up on the characterization on the idols. Don't stick with the stereotypes!

 

Spelling & Grammar: 6/10

Your spelling was perfectly fine, although I think I may have spotted a few spelling mistakes here and there, so there's not much to say about your spelling, but I do have some things to say about your grammar though.

You need to work on your tenses and reread your work to make sure that everything is alright, because there are quite a few grammar mistakes here and there. I've noticed that they're all mistakes on tenses, so I suggest that you learn a bit more about when to use present tense and when to use past tense, since that seems to be your weakest point.

 

Flow: 5/10

Almost everything just felt a bit rushed to me. Some parts are alright, but then you would suddenly skip to here and the flow of the story would suddenly be so fast. I mean, at one point, Kai and Minjung were being all mushy and cute, and then Minjung started being attracted to Kris, then Kai fell for another girl, and the Minjung was with Kris.

Perhaps it's because you're not descriptive enough when you write?

 

Enjoyment: 6/15

To be frank, I didn't really enjoy your story, but I didn't dislike it at the same time. It was interesting enough for me to read the first few chapters, but after a while, the interest kind of faded away and I didn't really want to continue your story because I felt like it was a bit boring and all. I enjoyed reading about the characters and their interaction together, but for some strange reason, I didn't actually enjoy reading the important bits where the plot would progress and all that.

 

Bonus: 2/5

Only two bonus points for you! These bonus points are for the way you portrayed Kai, Chanyeol, and Xiumin, because you didn't stick with the regular EXO stereotypes when you were describing them.

 

Total Score: 56/130 = 43.01%

 

Extra: I don't think your writing style fits genres like adventure and action, since things just seemed unrealistic and stuff. However, when you wrote all those fluffy scenes with Kai, you actually did pretty well, so I think you should stick to writing fluff and romance until you improve writing about action and adventure.

Also, please don't lose motivation to write just because of this review! I personally think that you did pretty well, but it's just that I'm very picky and all.

Continue to write, because I can see potential in you, use this review to improve your writing, and have a great day~