How Passion Brought Us Together

By SimplyCuddly

Reviewed by --placingth

Title: 4/5

It matches the story and it's capitalized right. However, it seemed like a one of those 'over the top' titles. I thought your story was a bit to humorous for such an angsty seeming title. 

Description: 9/10

It was so much fun to read. I could already feel myself being wrapped up in it. You had a good writing style there, so great work. The only problem was that you made 'love' red. I think it's really unnecessary. Also, after Kai's name, it should be a semi-colon, not a comma.

Plot: 24/30

I have seen other stories like this, but you bring up the fact of dancing a lot, which suits the title perfectly. Thank you so much. I am so thankful that the dancing isn't like a side topic here. 

However, I would like to address Hyejung's situation.

Now, I get that she is a tomboy/boyish, but the fact that you bring it up a lot is getting a bit repetitive and slightly annoying. Mainly because Hyejung would definitely not be the only tomboy in school, so the fact that she is being scrutinized a lot because of this is baffling me. Also, whenever Hyejung walks past other students, you usually do something like this:

"Look, it's Hyejung. That boyish girl!"

"She needs a new wardrobe."

"What's up with her hair?" 

You see, the first sentence is really uncomfortable. But the rest is so realistic. The first sentence was always uncomfortable. Always read out your dialogue.

You seem to mention the word 'tomboy' or 'boyish' a lot when people address her, which is sort of dry dialogue. It's sort of like attempting at making a sassy response, but it doesn't come out as funny as you had thought it would've, which is why I felt uncomfortable at different parts of the story. I will move onto this later.

Flow: 9/10

The beginning is a bit rushed and slightly unrealistic. I don't know how the heck that principal is still a principal. Doing that kind of thing is sort of illegal. Otherwise, the fic went along nicely and so did the thought process. Carry on as you do.

Characterization: 15/15

I could understand the characters very well, however, Hyejung's character (although I like her a lot) seems a bit too stressed for me. I will explain more about this in sooner topics. Otherwise, the characters were bold and funny.

Grammar and Spelling: 19/20

Just one problem and that was your commas in dialogue. 

"Blah blah blah." he said. [ Wrong. Should not a full stop ]

"Blah blah blah," he said. [ Right ]

This is because when you use a full stop, you are kind of saying that the dialogue and what comes after the dialogue are two separate sentences.

"Blah blah blah," he said. <--- This is seen as ONE sentence. If you put a full stop in there, this is what it would imply to look like:

"Blah blah blah."

he said.

It will be viewed as two different sentences. The only time you use a full stop, is when whatever comes after the dialogue, has nothing to do with the dialogue. Same goes for if it is before the dialogue as well. Here are the exmaples:

"Blah blah blah." He turned around and walked away. [ Right. As you can see, the sentence after the dialogue has nothing to do with the dialogue ]

He turned around and walked away. "Don't bother coming to me if something goes wrong," he said as he walked away. [ Right. As you can see, the first sentence has nothing to do with the dialogue, so no comma follows afterwards. Then, after that comes the dialogue. But because what comes after the dialogue contributes to it, there must be a comma before the speech marks ]

Okay, it is slightly hard to understand. If you do not understand, just PM me.

Hooking Techniques: 7/10

I marked you up because I thought that Hyejung had a sort of special personality and the way how she reacted to things was really realistic, and it had some kind of depth in there.

However, I marked you down because of dialogue and the use of describing her.

Now, so she is friends with the 'kingka's of the school. (Just a little side note for the future, but apparently, there are no such things as kingka's. They have jjang's, but...(another inside side note: don't use the word 'jjangs' in your story either. Refrain from using 'kingka' and 'jjang' as they are rather uncomfortable to read))

This does not mean that every single girl in the school should hate her. Surely there must be one good soul in there. But if the school is somehow just full of stuck up people like Heejin, then okay then. 

However, that does not excuse the fact that Hyejung cannot be the only tomboy in the school. You seem to want to embed in people's minds that she is a tomboy and that she is boyish, but I'm sure you could use many other words. However, you should try and refrain from using these words when people describe her. The characters like Kai and Suho are constantly mentioning about how 'different' she is and how 'unique' she is, or how 'boyish' she is etc etc. 

When writing dialogue, I advise you to read the lines out yourself and see if it sounds right.

Also, I would like to mention something. The way how Hyejung and the other boys fight is sort of...'dry'? When they 'argue' they tend to throw a lot of comebacks at each other, but I seem to see that the comebacks they use are the same or similar to the language that 11 or 12 year olds use. Because they are teenagers, their responses are supposed to be more harsh, more humorous and more smart. Make the characters twist their words around! Twisting words are a really funny style of humor. Well, I'm not saying you have to use it, but it is a good technique to try out. 

Overall Total: 87/100

Extra:

Despite everything I do, I read the whole story. I usually only read the first five or six chapters, but your story was so compelling and interesting! I laughed and fangirled all over the 'Stress Relieving' chapter. Wait no, I was flailing. My sister could hear me and tried to see what I was reading. 

Anyways, please don't mention how boyish she is anymore. Don't tell us, show us! Through her use of dialogue and the way how she uses her body, the readers will be able to figure it out for themselves.