--milkbubbletea

 

click here to be redirected to babyshawol's fic, "You, Me and Him"!

Title - 7/10

It isn't the most eye-catching or original title. It's good, but it can improve. The title is a crucial part of the story because, sadly, we may judge a book by it's title and/or cover. The thing is you did capitalize it correctly and make it relate to the story.

Description + Foreword - 7/10

Your foreword was a little lacking like the title in making me excited to read or click the next button. I'm not saying it's bad, but so far the wow factor needs a little elbow grease.

Plot - 16/20

The plot is good. It's okay in originality as well. Still, even if it's original, we want to make it pop out, right? From your title to your description to your plot in general, I think the main thing you need to focus on is making a better hook. How to do that? Be more original. I think you're incorporating ideas that were successful in other people' fics, but you need to be creative. This school idea is a great base to build off of, but if you don't do it correctly, then you're wasting a great idea. I know you won't do that, though. Just be more spontaneous. Any idea you hav in that amazing noggin of yours, just throw it out there. Also, please reread your story and fix mistakes for maximum enjoyment. I know you know how to fix things that you will see, but if you need further help, I'll link sites in the grammar + spelling section.

Characterization - 12.5/15

Okay, so lets break it down. There is a girl named Hoeji who gets the opportunity to go to this prestigious school. She meets these flower boys and pretty much has her heart skip a beat because of all of them. You see, that's just not realistic. I like stories to be realistic so the reader can relate. If I could meet multiple handsome guys in the first day of going to a school, I'd pray everyday for it to happen to me. But I do like how you made Junhong's personality because he's stuck-up. I think Yongguk would be my bias in B.A.P next to Zelo, who didn't play that bad of a part in this story either. Did these characters and all others progress well? Well, we're not that far into the story, but I think they did an okay job. It's not that you may be going to slow, but maybe too fast. Almost like love at first sight with these guys. Hold on, okay?

Originality + Creativity - 12.5/15

As I read the first chapter, I already knew the story would be at least a little original. This school idea seems new to me, but some ideas are not completely original, as I mentioned in some of the plot section.

Grammar + Spelling - 16/20

Okay, yes, you do spell some things wrong, but we all do. What I'd like you to do, though is read over. Incorrect spelling is just a result of us writing fast, but it's no use if you have wrong spelling. Bad spelling and grammar may distract one from the fic. Your grammar really isn't bad. I'm just wondering if you may be rushing or what because one second I'm reading and you're doing fine and then you might miss something here or there that you had correct earlier. If you are rushing, slow down. I'm sure your readers will understand if you're a little slow in updating. I mean, I usually don't update my fics in months and I still have loyal supporters. I'm sure if you reread over your work, you'll see what to fix. Always have an ending mark at the end of a sentence, try not to make run-on sentences, etc. Just in case you need a little extra help, I'll link sites that may help you in grammar. If there's something you know you may be lacking knowledge in, don't be afraid to tell me about it so I can find a site for that topic that can help you.

For help in dialogue structure, please refer to this site: http://www.itsuckstobejoe.com/Jdn/writing/punctuation.html

For help in the usage of commas, please refer to this site: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

Flow - 8/10

Your flow was mostly fine. If I had to give some criticism, I might say that perhaps you went a little fast. Don't worry, though. Your work is, once again, not at all bad. Just keep doing your best!

Extras

Hello there! Yes, the moment you have been waiting for is here. Your review is finally done! Yay! This isn't a bad score, either. Of course, I couldn't give you a perfect score because no one is perfect. The thing I think you mainly need to work on is making the story more exciting and rereading it so it has minimal mistakes for maximum enjoyment. Don't worry, though! If you try your best that's all that matters! If you'd like, please credit~ Otherwise, please just comment so we know you've seen this :3

Total - 79/100

--milkbubbletea

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