Changie,

I wrote this when I shouldn't. LOLOL. I'm still your favorite, right?

OwO

If anyone of you comes across this and wonder about as to how you can get a review for your fic go to http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/109624/changtastic----eview----ecc-services-busy-request-review---yuri the request form is on the second page. :D

Blood on My Name

Author: Iced Coffee
Reviewer: secretseven

STORY LINK

Dear IcedCoffee,

During my brief experience as a reviewer, I go back and forth with wanting a bad fic or a good fic to review. Bad fics are hard to read but easy to give tips for improvement. Good fics, on the other hand, are easy to read but finding what to improve can be a nightmare. Yours has been an easy read and a hard review. Take it as compliment.

Your story is obvioulsy well written. I can tell from the very beginning that English is not a very hard challenge for you to tackle. You express yourself well and this story was very straight-forward and depicts a well thought of plan and execution. Kudos! I can go and gush about your story but to be honest I really don't think I need to. This story has been so well received and even got a 99/100 mark from another review shop! I would be more than happy to just go on and tell you what's good about your story but that goes against the purpose of reviewing. I always make it a point to see everything as an oppurtunity to improve so let me take this grand challenge of finding fault in your fic with the hopes of helping you out as a writer.

Chang-leader has been discouraging me from using her rubric, so let me use the grading system of the contest this story was entered in. Hopefully, I can highlight some stuff that can work to your advantage in the upcoming judgement of your fic. So let's just get over this poorly written exposition and get to work, shall we?

Title/Description
I really do like the title. Blood on my Name evokes mystique and to be quite honest, this one is possibly the most original title I've come across in my reviews. It's simple but carries a lot in it. I don't know how much weight I'd give it in terms of being tied in with the story though. I don't know why but I don't think the blood on her name is the central theme but still this one is a definite pass.

Your hook is a bit awkward-- "every poison has a sweet side and society has a cruel one." This irks me a bit because not all poison has a sweet side. You may mean death has its allures... but poison can range from bitter to tasteless so first statement is wrong. How you connect "...and society has a cruel one" to poison is questionable too. I understand what you're going for, you want to depict society's gradeur as a facade but your fic doesn't show any of the good sides of society so I don't know if your tagline works. This feels a lot like a directed story to a certain audience. A naive audience who do not know of the cruelty of the world... again, I think you are limiting your readership.

I have a few problems with your description. I have been writing for Rhetoric for a while and one of the most important thing about writing a rhetorical argument is that you render your audience benevolent. I feel in your description you are challenging my commonplace of self-reliance. Like choosing not to give to the poor, I am choosing to damn them. It's a minor thing but your fic starts with an argument, it raises my hackles a bit. This is purely subjective though but it does speak of how you treat your audience. You may want it to read as more neutral then you can show through your story how you feel about the matter. It's the most logical sequence, in my opinion. I'm being nitpicky but you lose a lot of readership if you challenge a person's ideology in the first few paragraphs and I don't think anyone wants that. Not that I am saying you should remain neutral throughout. But think of graduality, stir in those beliefs as you go. Try not to dump the whole thing in your opening lines. I hope that makes sense.


I have a bit of a problem with your opening line as well.

 

Scum [this one is a noun]. Dirty [adjective]. Worthless [adjective].

 

It may be just me, but I think it would work better if you go for agreement? These words ended with periods are sharp statements. One coming after another I feel like you want me to see this as a repetition even though they are different words; they are synonymous. But because they are from different linguistic category they lose their power. They appear disjointed. You can try:

 

Scum. Dirt. Trash. We devalue these people's worth until their names lose it's humanity.
 

I have taken the liberty of taking passages from your description. Basically I think this has a lot of room for improvement. It's a touch awkward. Your word choices a bit questionable.

 

These are people we turn a cold eye at [from, I think would be a a better preposition]. They litter the streets in dozens,[; or just end your sentence here] and we walk by hoping they don’t see us [I have a problem with this. You describe them as a powerless. Beggars. Dirt. But for some reason you tell me I hide from them. I wonder if this is what you want me to believe.]. We don’t dare meet their eyes, as [this conjunction works but... seems a bit outdated] even if we have enough to give, we don’t wish to give [here you give them empowerment by stirring guilt. I don't know if this is what you want but it feels wrong to me.]

 

Here, I think this statement requires a bit of clarification.

 

Lastly, are the ‘masses’[the usage of single quotation marks are acceptable in British and Australian writing, North America generally prefer double quotation mark. I'm not saying you should change it. Just points to consider?] speaking of the dying poor, or the kindness in people’s hearts? [Here, to be honest, I don't understand what you mean. Do you mean masses can speak of kindness? I think what you're getting at is that these scums have two flip sides the scum we see and the side that is kind? You may want to clarify this statement.]
 

Oh! And on the link question, you have to highlight the word before clicking on the link box so you can have that direct link to the title.
 
Plot/Storyline
I think the plot is good! The twist of having Sora become this person with a twisted psyche was exciting. On how she fell in love with Taemin was a bit... anticlimactic? I don't know. I just didn't see it as believable. But nonetheless a stable plot.

The first chapter you seem to reiterate the sense of heirarchy within the "beggar" society and like I said this gives them power and it just doesn't coordinate with the word. Beggar reads as powerless. I would suggest you used another term like street rat or scum.
 
Another thing that stood out to me was after Taemin was abducted by Sora he isn't hungry anymore. How? Even in dextrose an empty stomach wouldn't stop growling. I'm not sure but it just made me stop and think... how did she sustain him exactly?

I think your story can use more detail. I felt like the maze could have made more of an impression. The scene reminded me of Saw and that just fueled something inside me. The need for detail. Describe more. Show me the glass that cuts him. Jagged, sharp. Describe how he felt. More than just pain, describe the warm gush of blood, growing thick and sticky as time went by. You do describe what was happening but details would help a great deal for the experience to be more engaging.

The scene with the rats was one of my favorite (yes, I am a bit twisted.) But again, I was agitated wanting more descriptions. Show me more. More than just biting, they should be tearing at chunks of flesh, peeling at skin. You can do so much more to these scenes.

Grammar/Spelling/Style
I don't think I have anything to say about your grammar. I mean the whole story reads good enough. But, of course, I fear I am missing a lot of things. Mainly though, you can work on a lot on your word choices. This is stylistic deliberation so it's still left for you to decide.

 

The shuddering moonlight, slightly hidden behind the angry clouds, cast a dark shadow as it tried desperately to shed light on the lone figure walking down the streets of Seoul at 5:45 AM.

Here you go for personification which is fine and good but I believe personification works best if instead of using  adjectivial verbs go for the verb itself. Suggestion:

 
The moon shuddered, out of sight, hidden by the angry clouds. It makes a feeble attempt to shine a light on the lone figure walking down the street of Seoul at 5:45 AM [the time here is a bit strange. Even if the cloud were thick it wouldn't be that dark and the moon wouldn't be that bright to cast a light. As well as an old woman throwing garbage at this time is kind of... off.]

 

Here you seem to be missing an article.

 

It was harsh, but [it was the or simply the] reality. The elderly and the young were left with nothing.

 

Here your statements are disjointed and improperly punctuated.
 

Pulling the thinly threaded hat over his ears, and desperately trying to cover his neck as well [is he trying to cover his neck with his hat as well? You have a very long modifier making this sentence awkward.], he spotted an elderly woman taking out her garbage.

 

I would suggest:

 

He pulls [I forget if your strictly doing a present tense presentation] his thinly threaded hat over his ears and arranges his collar to cover his neck. The cold was penetrating cloth and flesh. That was when he saw her-- an old woman with her trash.

 

At some point you described the meeting of a younger boy that reminded Taemin of himself. Here you used "mirror" as a metaphor but I wonder of the appropriateness of your word choice because typically you don't see the past in mirrors. Maybe omit the metaphor all together? Say it more directly?
 

In his peripheral vision, the child began to resemble someone familiar, someone in his past, not very long ago. Himself.

 

Also, the time when Sora peeped through the hole that only fit her face... it's illogical for him to see anything but her face. Maybe add a qualifying statement like "almost," to make it more sensible.

Characterisation

In general, I liked Taemin and Sora though I do wonder how Taemin can keep an almost flawless personality. He's kind to the old woman, the child and finally to Sora. You could give him some flaw. He is unwilling to give the bread to the child but he relents. This doesn't give his character a flaw. It actually highlights his selflessness.  How does he preserve this when society has been unrelentlessly cruel to him? Maybe work on his psychology?

As for Sora for the most part she seems removed. After killing his father she doesn't feel remorse. This is believable but that would evoke a certain self reliance but after she was she asked for the police's help. This says something about her belief in society's structure. Then she seems to easily crumble at Taemin's kindness. That was a bit strange for me. You can coordinate all of this if you give it a bit more care. Take for example, she could be denying her guilt for her father's death then asking for help after she was wouldn't be such a sharp  character change. Or she could have not reported the to the police. She could just have assumed that no one will help her. She could have also resented Taemin's kindness before giving in. It just felt like the conclusion was forced.

Flow/Structure

This one was presented pretty linear and doesn't face any challenges in transition. It just needs a bit of tidying up so the plot can be more structured.

End Comments: I hope I didn't read as such a know-it-all because really I'm not. But I really did want to offer you honest advice on points I think needs improvement. Forgive my qualifying remarks here, I'm just really worried if I sounded harsher than I had intended. I really liked your fic. It's pretty original, especially in the world of fanfiction!

Thank you for submitting your story to Changtastic!

Letter Grade: B-

Yours,
Seven