Dear lovely readers,

If you are reading this and you know me ... Hey, you guys!!! I feel like it's been forever since I said something on this site. As I have previously promised myself at the end of my last fanfic Flirt 'n Flair, I was going to recollect myself and have a little rest whilst I decide whether to move on from or with my long-time (approximately 11 years) outlet which is writing fanfics and being a part of this beautiful community of AFF. I've been through three very different accounts, and each account ended up representing my growth as an adult woman through my stories. 

Now, it's almost going to be two months since I decided to rest and it gave me a lot of time to really think things through and focus on just myself. I tried to find new hobbies, I tried to do things I've never done. I have to say, I haven't done a very good job at that lol. I always feel stuck and lost, I feel like I'm forcing something on myself that just doesn't fit. 

Kpop has been pretty toxic for the most part, or otherwise stagnant, which really hurts as it's been my source of happiness and my biggest outlet for almost thirteen years. For a short while, I thought I was doing myself a favour by stepping away for a bit. I thought it wasn't working for me anymore, I thought it wasn't making me happy anymore, and I thought it wasn't the right coping mechanism for me as an adult. I started when I was thirteen and now I'm twenty-five and I thought, oh boy, maybe it's just not for me anymore. I've changed too much. 

I know that a lot of my readers said otherwise, but for a while, I felt like my writing was deteriorating. And as I stepped away, far away, and looked at my stories from another perspective, not as the author of the works but as a viewer, I do realize that I was being too hard on myself and that I was comparing my current self to my former self. 

The former self that might have released stories that were greatly loved and received attention, got featured and all that jazz. But also, that former self that was very hurt mentally and emotionally, the former self that was going through things that she never even thought she ever deserved to go through.

I was jealous of the person I was when my life was hell. The person who actually begged and prayed that it would all end because nothing mattered, because she didn't matter. That person who wrote Mind Over Matter and P.S. I Stalk You with unnecessary dedication so she wouldn't think of all the nastiness reality has brought upon her. I was missing the influx of validation, the feeling of being belonged in this community, I was jealous of my former self (like wtf, ew, I don't want her life again) 

And all of a sudden, writing fanfics stopped being a coping mechanism and started becoming a comparing battle with my younger self. I have forgotten how good it felt when I simply got my first EVER upvote back in the days when upvoting was just a new feature on this site. I've forgotten how happy I was when my subs would reach more than fifty back in the days. And I was my happiest, writing fanfics, simply because I was expressing myself through the stories. I was writing it for myself. I was ing humble. 

Don't get me wrong, I personally think compared to the actual big author names here (not everyone of course), based on my observation, I'm probably humbler. Well that, of course, is because I'm not a big name. Just two of my stories (and a few deleted ones on my previous accounts) got a little more attention than I expected, which doesn't mean I'm a big name on this site. But my point is, that I wasn't humble with myself, I was pushing myself too much, I was criticizing myself, and I was being too hard on myself. The only person I've hurt the most in this whole situation was ...  surprise surprise, myself. And I plan to change that, one way or another. 

Because I love to write, I love to come up with storylines, I love to make people fall in love and believe in love, I love to give moral lessons and life advice, and I love to express myself through creative writing. Most especially, I love my readers. Despite being purely virtual, you were all there when I had no one to run to. When I was scared of facing reality, you were my reality and it helped me get through the hard days.

Now I don't really know the point of this blog, or at least I don't know yet. All I know is that I had to let it out, my fingers were itching to type lol and I guess I was missing yall. 

Oh, and, it's funny that I've been resting for almost two months but I literally have a story already started but kept in the draft. *wink wink* I obviously can't say so much about it yet since nothing's for sure and I might need a little more time to make a decision but once I've arranged marriage—I mean, arranged my thoughts well enough, I shall give you some teasers or hints about the plot. 

You know me. :)

Love, 

Eudene aka Otornim