I hate to hate myself.

I don't know why I'm even writing this. I guess I've run out of outlets. You don't have to read it, I just want to let it out. I've been feeling very burnt out lately. Everything in my life, my relationships, my work and most especially myself. It has been so bad that it's starting to affect me physically, getting sick here and there with all sorts of stuff and just overall being extremely sensitive and anxious about everything and worst of all, blowing up or having the stupidest meltdowns on people that I love. I even called in sick today because of the mental pain that has morphed into a full-blown physical situation. 

I hate the way I've been acting around people, I hate the way I've been thinking. I feel imprisoned within my own brain and I want to get out. I want it to all ing end. I hate how much I hate myself that it makes me anxious to be alone. I don't want to be alone with myself. It scares the out of me to be alone. I hate it so much that I end up getting mad at people for living their own lives. I hate that I'm so confused with my own personality and traits. The things that trigger and bother me. I don't know why I am the way that I am. These tiny little things that bother me and bring me to the very edge, to some people, if not most people ... they're very small things that nobody should be bothered about. Loud noises. Crowds. The ing heat. The lights. Fake and inauthentic people. Sudden changes of plans. They all ing drive me crazy until I become this person that I don't even recognize.

Last Sunday, my boyfriend had to make a few very small changes to our plan and I went NUTS on him and had a full panic attack just because I had to do something I wasn't ready for and didn't have a script for in my head and it went on for days until I almost broke up with him. I'm such a lucky that I have the most patient and understanding boyfriend that we managed to solve it because he knew about all these triggers of mine. I feel like a ing all the time and I hate it. I hate being so goddamn sensitive. I don't even ing deserve to have him, or all the good people around me who take my bull. The worst part of it, is it's not even bull in my head in those moments. It's not acting out. It's not attention-seeking. Whatever pain I would feel and express, they're real and I don't even know why I'm having them in the first place. Things just ... trigger me a lot. 

I think I've been trying so hard to be the best version of myself to please everyone that I'm starting to drift away from that and lose all of that mental energy. I'm ing burnt out, man. I'm so tired and faking it everyday. Especially with the nature of my career, being a hairstylist, I have to fake it every single second for seven to nine ing hours each day. I'm so tired of repeating the same stories, same scripts, same greetings in my head and faking a smile and a laugh, like my smiles are so fake that I could feel my muscles twitching whenever I do them. It hurts me mentally to know that I'm faking most hours of my days. Every. Single. Day.

Then don't even get me started with my self and body image issues. I'm a big girl. Like a morbidly obese and borderline diabetic girl. But all these other demons in my head are ing with my body and plus I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) that makes it EVEN HARDER to lose weight AND manage depression. I know, and I've heard it gazillion times, that OH, you should eat healthy and lose weight to manage PCOS. Well, guess the what? I've tried MANY TIMES and I even ended up trying a stupid crash diet that brought me to this most recent problem of mine with my gut issues but the very reason I can't lose is one, the depression, and two PCOS itself makes it hard for me to lose the ing weight. Confusing right? YEAH. My body and brain agree. I rarely even ing get periods now. 

Can you feel the stress levels in each word? Yeah. Try to be me. I hate it. No, seriously, I want to switch bodies and brains. 

I wish I was somebody else because I don't want this body, I don't want this brain. I just want it to all end. I just want to be in peace and stop thinking and stop feeling.

Comments

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exomoonnlight #1
Hello! omg its been a while, hope you're feeling better. I was looking for your twitter account but I guess you deactivated. Love you! 🥰
Alisha0074 #2
We are here for you.
Nothing I say to you will be something new or different from what you've heard before.
So all i can say is we're here for you well listen to everything you have to say. Let it out. Unburden yourself.
Eyesonsehun
#3
Honestly, I feel the same way but a little different from you, like I feel suffocated I can't sleep or eat properly I have no idea what I wanna do or should be doing at this point. I should be applying for colleges but I can't be bothered at all idk where I'm going with this but I hope we all get over this feeling soon it's horrible.

You're obviously tired, why don't you take a break and do things you just enjoy like watch kdramas and eat however you want. You deserve all these good people in your life. You're seriously so awesome. Sending you good energy💕
Sey-ra
#4
Hey,calm down I think u are an amazing person becos u write an amazing story,you have a boyfriend that so caring by ur side as for me I don't have a brain neither have a boyfriend and to top it I am reaching 40 and also has a shapeless body but still I love myself and take care of myself .To hell with other opinion.So in this case ur more talented and amazing person becos u gave us such a nice story.If you want to change ur body then think of me.I have nothing nor talented but I am peace with myself.
Shrysea
#5
So I'll be blunt, you know me ;)

You are obviously depressed if everything is triggering, annoying, tiring you. You have to adjust your treatment with your psy (if you are still consulting otherwise consult again as soon as possible)

For your PCOS if you can't control it the usual way can't you think of a more radical solution ? Is the ablation of your ovarian system and uterus indicate? (If you want children one day you can still adopt or maybe extract your eggs before having the surgery and have a surrogate) then you could have a hormonal substitute treatment balancing better your hormones than before which could help with your borderline issue too. That is extrem but you are in an extreme position as well.

Knowing what's wrong, identifying your issue and wanting to change or at least to act to feel better is the first and most important step. Now you have to find help and new solutions.

Yes you are morbidly obese, no you are not ugly because of that at all BUT yes it endangers your life and complicate your quality of life daily because fat does slowdown hormones action and you're already a mess about those hormones ;) :$

Your boyfriend is aware of your condition that is why he is taking it that well but in my opinion it is not helping you at the end of the day because despite that you are still constantly anxious about losing him, you are guilt-tripping yourself about not deserving him. And mentally for him it is not easy. So either you talk with him once for good about what HE is feeling toward your condition for you to not built hypothetical drama or you do a break with him until you are getting better by yourself (with treatment and psy) and until you can trust him and have a better self esteem for you to actually believe IN HIM.

For your job, either you change it if you can't handle constant exchange with people either you take a break once again until getting better. Or you fake having vocal cord nodules and make your customers believe you can't talk for now and only give them an apologetic smile XD.

You have to focus on what you want and not what you don't want and establish reachable goals step by step.
tonnettie
#6
Fighting the same battle with you. When we’re severely overweight but with PCOS, everything just goes haywire.
I’m really hating how I live my life now. Living is expensive but dying would also be expensive.
glances
#7
I was about to text my friend but aff distracted me and now that I'm here, I believe that there is a reason, that there is a purpose of why you in the end decided to store your feelings and share them with us here. Thank you for sharing. I don't know but your intention to share everything here probably because you still have hopes, and that matters. Nobody wants hard times, but let's survive together. It has ending, let's have hopes. And you're very deserving to feel better again.
DeeDee101
#8
I completely understand what you're going through... Its heartbreaking really. People around us don't understand us and of course they'll make their problems bigger. To them, what you mention is little. It's not, it piles up until you explode, it happened to me many times. You're not alone. I'm always on twitter or on here. You can reach me if you need to talk to someone.
PuffTedEBear
#9
😞 I get a lot of what you are saying. I wish I could magically change things for you and for me.