I hate to hate myself.
I don't know why I'm even writing this. I guess I've run out of outlets. You don't have to read it, I just want to let it out. I've been feeling very burnt out lately. Everything in my life, my relationships, my work and most especially myself. It has been so bad that it's starting to affect me physically, getting sick here and there with all sorts of stuff and just overall being extremely sensitive and anxious about everything and worst of all, blowing up or having the stupidest meltdowns on people that I love. I even called in sick today because of the mental pain that has morphed into a full-blown physical situation.
I hate the way I've been acting around people, I hate the way I've been thinking. I feel imprisoned within my own brain and I want to get out. I want it to all ing end. I hate how much I hate myself that it makes me anxious to be alone. I don't want to be alone with myself. It scares the out of me to be alone. I hate it so much that I end up getting mad at people for living their own lives. I hate that I'm so confused with my own personality and traits. The things that trigger and bother me. I don't know why I am the way that I am. These tiny little things that bother me and bring me to the very edge, to some people, if not most people ... they're very small things that nobody should be bothered about. Loud noises. Crowds. The ing heat. The lights. Fake and inauthentic people. Sudden changes of plans. They all ing drive me crazy until I become this person that I don't even recognize.
Last Sunday, my boyfriend had to make a few very small changes to our plan and I went NUTS on him and had a full panic attack just because I had to do something I wasn't ready for and didn't have a script for in my head and it went on for days until I almost broke up with him. I'm such a lucky that I have the most patient and understanding boyfriend that we managed to solve it because he knew about all these triggers of mine. I feel like a ing all the time and I hate it. I hate being so goddamn sensitive. I don't even ing deserve to have him, or all the good people around me who take my bull. The worst part of it, is it's not even bull in my head in those moments. It's not acting out. It's not attention-seeking. Whatever pain I would feel and express, they're real and I don't even know why I'm having them in the first place. Things just ... trigger me a lot.
I think I've been trying so hard to be the best version of myself to please everyone that I'm starting to drift away from that and lose all of that mental energy. I'm ing burnt out, man. I'm so tired and faking it everyday. Especially with the nature of my career, being a hairstylist, I have to fake it every single second for seven to nine ing hours each day. I'm so tired of repeating the same stories, same scripts, same greetings in my head and faking a smile and a laugh, like my smiles are so fake that I could feel my muscles twitching whenever I do them. It hurts me mentally to know that I'm faking most hours of my days. Every. Single. Day.
Then don't even get me started with my self and body image issues. I'm a big girl. Like a morbidly obese and borderline diabetic girl. But all these other demons in my head are ing with my body and plus I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) that makes it EVEN HARDER to lose weight AND manage depression. I know, and I've heard it gazillion times, that OH, you should eat healthy and lose weight to manage PCOS. Well, guess the what? I've tried MANY TIMES and I even ended up trying a stupid crash diet that brought me to this most recent problem of mine with my gut issues but the very reason I can't lose is one, the depression, and two PCOS itself makes it hard for me to lose the ing weight. Confusing right? YEAH. My body and brain agree. I rarely even ing get periods now.
Can you feel the stress levels in each word? Yeah. Try to be me. I hate it. No, seriously, I want to switch bodies and brains.
I wish I was somebody else because I don't want this body, I don't want this brain. I just want it to all end. I just want to be in peace and stop thinking and stop feeling.
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