Wow, it's kind of amazing how long I have been away from this website. A lot of things have happened and are still happening in the present but I had the time to actually give myself the time to look back and pay a visit to the one place that defined me and my life for over half of my age. It's only been a few months since things in my life, including myself especially, started changing. When it was at its worst, I continuously tried to depend on this website as I always have when things get rough for me but unfortunately, it was hard. It got harder and harder until it was eventually impossible. There was nothing that could have helped me and it really genuinely madly felt like it was the end of the world for me.

In all those times that I was not okay, I kept coming back here trying to explain myself and sharing my experiences with all of you. And then I just kept doing it, over and over again, without ever reaching an ultimate goal or objective. Maybe I have already said it before, or maybe I haven't ... but this place was supposed to be a hobby for me. But with the personality, and the internal identity that I have, it's just nearly impossible for me to ever find the 'just right' amount when it comes to things. I'm always at one end of the extremes. Either too much. Or too little.

The most foolish life decisions I have ever made in my life so far, believe it or not, were somehow connected to this hobby of mine. In high school, I stopped trying hard when I started using writing as a coping strategy with the things I was going through in my life that I didn't know how to deal with. And that continued through early college time until I moved to Canada where I was supposed to start anew with my life and really figure out what and how I wanted to be as an adult. Instead ... I was too worried that if I chose a more realistic and mature path for my future, I wouldn't be able to write. Sure, there were financial issues when my parents divorced and that experience definitely didn't help my case and made me shut down even more, hence my hopelessness and dependency on writing doubled. I just didn't want to face reality, I was too scared and overwhelmed. I'd rather write and be in my own fantasy world. It's freakishly childish, isn't it? But for my brain, at that time ... it was survival. There was the momentum I just didn't know how to break anymore. And it was the only way I could cope. Everything was too overwhelming and I couldn't bear to see everything changing right in front of me. I just wanted to pretend that nothing had changed.

Then I found a way to do something without needing to eventually forget AFF. Going to makeup school and going to hair school, later on, were those things. They were very fun to do but I knew in my heart that it was not as serious as the paths I COULD do with my abilities and intellect. I wanted something simple, something easy to obtain. At the same time, I was also trying to deal with my first relationship which was very toxic, as some of you know. Again, that experience made my reality even harder to face.

I ed myself over for the most childish reasons, I know. I ed up. I ed life up so badly, and I did it for thirteen whole years.

And for a long while, I regretted and regretted. I made myself more anxious as realization crept in day by day, getting more remorseful and depressed, getting confused by the path I chose for myself.

In the end, I lost myself completely. I forgot where to turn to when it was time to go back to my reality. I felt empty. I had nowhere to go and I was stuck.

Now, I'm turning 26 and just starting to fix the cracks I've made in my own life. I hope I'm not too late. Going back to square one is terrifying but I know it's the only way I won't fall harder. I was hanging by a thread at one point and as of today, despite still having the wobbles here and there, it's starting to get easier to keep my balance. Slowly but surely.

Thank you.