I know. I talk a lot about it. 

Because I don't want to keep it to myself. It's hard, in all honesty. I thought I was okay. I convinced myself, everyday that I am doing a good job. I am gonna be alright. I am doing fine. 

I resist myself from exploding pretty well in this two month. I keeping track of everything. I manage my temper well. I calm down pretty fast. I stay silent whenever things got my emotion over the top. I took a deep breathe. I am fine. I trust myself in being very disciplined. 

At least that's what I thought, until this evening happen.

It's started from a very small things I saw, right in front of me. 

My bank book that is wedged under my bedside cabinet, almost ripped apart and my now lost ear pick. 

Also, an empty water bottle in my room. 

I am not someone who would throw things. But this evening, I did. 

I was triggered. I got angry and I almost wanted to hit my little sister with everything I see in front of me. I smashed that empty bottle in the kitchen and my little sister, for the first time in my life, I saw, very scared of me. Even my youngest brother that was together with her in the kitchen that time. 

I can hardly breath. I can't calm down. I usually calm down in 10 minutes but it took me an hour today. I wasn't in the mood to do anything but I baked a whole lump of buns just to keep myself calm and distracted. 

I'm going crazy, thinking that I am such a . I wanted nothing more than getting better. 😔