I am taking a break from writing. A hiatus. I really wanted to continue writing and I love all my story but I have an issue lately. The past month is really hard for me. 

I talked about violence issue before in one of my blog post. I've been wondering if it is a good idea to talk about it and I think, I will talk about it again today. 

I went to the doctors. 

And I am diagnosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED) and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). 

The person that I talked about in my blog about the one who have anger issue was actually me. I was thinking that it was so horrible of me. I sounds like a beast. It was very inhuman of me, trying to injure people for a satisfying feeling. 

I am meeting the doctors as for now. I'm treating myself. I try to heal myself. I'm afraid that one day I might kill someone and I would feel happy with it. I don't want to feel like that and act like a monster. 

I'm sorry for anyone who thought I am nice. I am not that nice. I am a bad person and I am not proud of it. 

I'm meeting a psychiatrist and I can't even lift my head on the first two session. I am too ashamed of myself and I am so afraid of what they were thinking about me. 

But I pull up the courage to cure myself. I am trying. Very hard to make sure people feel safe around me. 

I will explain what IED and PTSD is about. 

IED is a mental health issue where someone goes full on rage for a short while. It can be caused by a lot of things such as traumatic past or genetic. And I am by both. It can also be caused by physical abuse during childhood. 

While PTSD is a condition where one is triggered by a terrifying things or events, by experience or actually a witness.

And my condition is by experience. I got nightmares and flashback. Sleep is the lowest on my list at the moment. Getting insomnia. I am sharing this because my doctor told me that my condition is actually worse than what I had originally thought. I thought it was only a one time emotional burst but turn out, it was more than that. 

I am trying to tell the world, that the people who experiencing these mental illness exist. I am trying so hard to cure myself. I am not trying to attract any ill intention here but I want people to be aware that there's someone out there that is experiencing the same thing I felt. 

People around me act like those things are fake and I just had to keep my sanity intact. I didn't exactly told my parents or my siblings about it. I'm afraid of their reaction. My parents pretty much not believing in that. 

So, I just wanted to talk about that. It feels good to let it out. At least to people who think I am nice. I'm pulling of my mask here, for people to see that I am not that much of a 'white'. I am pretty 'black'.