I am not a good liar. I am very bad with lie that I can never hold it, more than 5 minutes. 

But, I can keep the biggest of a secret from any living soul. And I have many at the moment that if I reveal it one by one, I am sure that each of my parents are either gonna collapse from a heart attack or get . 

And there's this one secret that I have a big trouble keeping it to myself. I wanted to tell someone so much about it but is so afraid of getting judged. 

I was ually harrased back in highschool. 

I was, and am, never fond of this topic and I always avoid talking about this topic. It happened  back then, when I was 15 years old. 

I was traumatized. And that was the sole reason why I am so afraid of men. I never mentioned it to anyone before. Not even my siblings. I keep it by myself for 13 years because I was so afraid of what my parents would do. 

I was only a teenager back then and I was pretty wild. I hangout with boys late at night, a lot. But I still know my limit and where I should stop. I never cross my limits when it comes to hanging out with boys. For someone who was as afraid to her dad, I was steelheaded one for a girl. I was pretty hot blooded, like how teenagers always are. 

It was the start of my traumatizing life around men when it happened. My body was d by a man, that I grew to hate from the very moment until now. Apparently, I was able to save myself that time. Well, learning martial arts worth it so much. 

I got a scar on my foot from that time. My foot was bleeding when I arrived home and my older brother saw that. But he never asked, and I'm glad he didn't ask. I can't imagine what he would do if I actually told him that time. I was either gonna get killed, or that guy was. There's no in betweem considering my older brother was pretty hot tempered. 

That was the moment that I always afraid to walk with men. To even touch a man. Not even holding their hands, no matter if they're friends or not. It was a grim feelings that I wanted to forget so so badly. 

And from that incident, I started to cut my hair very short. Like a boy. Very short cut and my parents hate it. I would just say that I don't like long hair, hiding the real reason why I did that. I did that to protect myself, so that no men will be attracted to me and didn't want to approach me. I keep that boy cut hairstyle for about 7 years and I start growing my hair around 2016. 

I only have the courage to say it here, where most of you guys won't judge me. I was a victim. Ever since that incident, you name it, the boyish facade ain't an act anymore. The boyish nature grow in me and my parents were always worried that I changed so drastically. 

Believe it or not, I fooled everyone into thinking I am a boy when I changed the way I walk, I would purposely rasping out my voice and even being so rough with people. 

I was trying to keep it as a lifetime secret and I would carry this secret to my grave. But lately, it's hard to do so. It's so hard to forget that I still remember every second of the incident. 

I was traumatized. 

I still am. 

🙁