I do believe, but I don't trust. 

I live my life with that words. I don't do trust. I think, trust is something that could jeopardize everything once it's broken. And I believe, someone like me, can't even trust myself at times. I am very strict with my life. I didn't allow people to come into my life that easy. I was someone who used to trust someone, a friend, 100% and this is the result. She betrayed me. I put my trust on the wrong people and I end up not trusting anyone. Believe me when I say I didn't even trust my parents. 

This is something that I never really share with anyone. My parents were on the verge of divorcing for so many times. I am always home. My older sister and brother are not at home. They work somewhere else, and that made me the oldest at home currently. So, me, as the oldest with another 5 little siblings who understand everything that happen, had to 'lend' extra hands and brains. 

It's hard. 

My dad would talk and complained about my mom to me. Saying things that mostly from a man perspective and I had to be neutral all the time. I had to pick the right words to make sure he understand my mom's reasoning and all the why's she was doing that. 

Then my mom. The same thing. Gotta be so neutral. I can't exactly blame my mom because it's actually pretty obvious who's at fault. I am very honest and I can't lie. I usually told my mom, what my dad had said. BUT, in the nicest and the best way possible to not hurt her feelings. We know, men could be very rough with their words. 

I can't blame any of them here, because I am the child. But if they asked me from a CHILD perspective, I can see very clearly that my dad was at fault. 

The terms give and take seems to not working well with my parents. Well, yes there's no relationship that didn't have any obstacle. But it could be avoided by being considerate. Apparently a thing that my dad seems to forgot, exist. 

I hate the fact that I can only watch and not say anything. Yes, I pity my mom but this is my dad we're talking about. I literally carry his name in my name. I wanted to tell my dad to snap out of it, so so much but whenever I look at him, I can't speak a words. For a reason that he is my dad. 

And that's pretty much why I can't do trust. I can't even trust my parents, what more other people. 

I live telling myself to not trust anyone because the people you trust the most could betray you in a blink of an eye. If anyone were to talk about trust with me, just don't. I might cry.😂