Somehow, I really hate myself. I keep imagining myself being strong, badass angry woman and a very serious woman. But in reality, I'm just a weakling. I do have a very black heart. I am not badass. I'm just bad. I hate how I am the opposite of how I imagine and see myself. I am, yes, not even phased about small things but there's lay my weakness. I want to be like that. At the same time, I want to be strong. I'm competitive because I live with 6 men in my house. Their Alphaness rubbing off of me. I don't want to be seen weak like a damsel in distress. I know I'm not but deep inside, I am one. 

This is like a battle of her mind and her heart. A mental battle. Both keep going back and forth that it's almost confusing, if you didn't read carefully in between the lines. She's so insecure that she keep contemplating about her life and making a mess in her mind.

'How could she think about it like that?' 

She gone through a lot of pain, being ignored, degraded because she lives with so many men in their household. The double standard has a big gap in that house. She's a woman who tried to stand for herself but being shoved aside most of the time. 

One would think, she's broken, why bother being competitive? She live with men, who hardly treat her like a woman, you think she can't be competitive? There's a whole lot of her that people didn't see, and didn't know. She hardly show herself, never talk about herself to other people. 

The notebook is where she let out everything. Her mind is a pure text. She thinks of everything, but let out only one thing. Her mind is working 24/7. 

She had a nightmare, every night. 🙂