I am lonely. I am alone. 

I'm supposed to be doing homework right now. I have 2 assignments due tomorrow. But I just keep thinking about how alone I feel. I just made a positive post about joining a club, and everything I said about it is true. But I still feel alone. 

I've been having a hard time. I'm struggling to stay afloat.

I haven't talked to my best friend from back home in almost a month. And that is a long time for me. I haven't been not calling her on purpose. It's just that I've been busy with school and work and hanging with my college friends that it just keeps slipping my mind. I miss her so much. We understand each other so well. And I can tell her whatever without judgment.

I also think I'm about to lose my college best friend.  She is currently in the process of joining a sorority with another one of our friends. She will be busy doing secretive things for the rest of the semester and I won't be able to hang out with her like we used to. Her sorority "sisters" will become her new best friends and she won't have time for me. I think that our relationship will change because of this. She'll have a bond with them that she won't have with me. She'll have inside jokes and secret codes that I won't understand. I will try to be supportive but all that secretive stuff will get so annoying to listen to. The rules are that they can't tell me anything. So my friend will just disappear and can't even tell me why. 

She told me that I should've joined and she wishes I was with her. But I know myself and I know that the greek life is not for me. I'm not about secrecy and hiding things. I'm not about feeling obligated to like a group of people and making them my "sisters." It's all stupid to me, but I'll try to be supportive. And our other friend that I thought would never join ended up going for it too and now I feel even more like an outsider. 

I wanted to tell my best friend about my experience joining a new Korean Drumming club. She seemed distracted and constantly checking her phone for sorority updates. And my little lame club with my little $20 due fee seemed irrelevant to her exclusive club with $600 due fee and all her secret secrets. 

She's literally my only close friend at college and if I lose her I won't have anyone to talk to. I have acquaintances but no one has/had back my like she does. I guess I can try to get closer to the friends I already have and make friends with the people in the club. But it takes me a while to connect with people. So that might not even happen. 

I'm literally crying as I'm writing this because I feel so exhausted. Academically. Socially. Mentally.  But I have 3 months left. Hell, I have 2 years of this. I don't know what to do. I used to turn to Kpop for comfort when I feel like this, but I been having problems doing that these days now that Jonghyun is in heaven. 

I'm not really looking for advice. I just needed to rant out and clear my head because keeping all this inside isn't healthy.