Have you ever felt like you wanted to stay up a biiiiit longer but then it’s suddenly 4 am? You were tired, but still awake doing God knows what and time just slipped by? You know you’re tired but keep on awake because you tell yourself ‘just one more chapter/episode/minute’?

We all have our foolish reasons to sleep deprived ourselves, mine is… as you see in the title…

 

Too Tired to Stay Awake, Too Anxious to Sleep

 

Lemme explain to you, basically I’m a coward. Like not even the cute cowards but a disgusting coward type of sheite. In some occasion, I hate tomorrow. It’s mysterious, and when I have some things planned I know I hate, I don’t want tomorrow to come faster, so I’m up all night, knowing I’m destroying myself more the next day, but still did it.

At those days where I fear tomorrow, with my body already tired, I tried to lay my head to sleep, and found myself can’t sleep. There’s constant burden in my heart not wanting to go no matter how tired I am. My heartbeat quickened, and I’m up.

I stood back again, watching whatever youtube recommends me, playing a few games. Now I’m tired again, but remembering tomorrow horrifies me.

It’s a vicious cycle. A vicious, pimple making cycle, because I know very well that lack of sleep creates more pimples (omg emocel enough of the pimple talk)

 

One of the example, is right now (as right now when I write this, I don’t know when I’ll publish this). Just today I was out with my so-called family and had the worst time this month. Ripped out of my makeup, I went outside for 9 hours, with lower self-esteem as the Mariana Trench.

I told my mum I wanted to go with her only, and I already planned our holiday together, but no she gotta ask my grandma, and my grandma said yes, canceling all her plans. As suspected, the trip is filled with her saying her criticism to me all over again but now with my mum agreeing to her, (and my mum truly agreed with her is where it blows harder).

And thus, now I’m not sleeping at 2 am, though I was tired as sheite because the night before I only sleep for 3 hours. I did not have any coffee, and I am amazed how I stayed awake.

 

Sometimes, it’s not just tomorrow, it is fear of time itself. Its eerie how time just slips by, how I feel like there’s time slipping through my fingers, and feel like my time is running out where I haven’t done enough.

How? How is it already tomorrow?

The thought haunts me.

 

Sometimes I don’t know how I still sleep in the end. Like the other day, I was still anxious and toss and turn in bed at 3 am, and suddenly I blinked and its 6 am, and I can’t go back to sleep. Sometimes I can’t remember how I sleep, I laid there and out.

It’s not every day though, probably 3 out of 7 days a week, on my worst moments. Sometimes, when there’s nothing I planned tomorrow, I can sleep calmly. Or after finishing a deadline. I can get knocked out for a 12-hour sleep (the most was 15 hour I don’t know how).

 

It’s still 2 am now as I write this, maybe I should take a shot at trying to sleep, knowing tomorrow is going to be another long (and patience testing) day like today. Though proofreading my stories, and 3d apps tutorials is tempting me….

I need energy to put on my smiley face and armor tomorrow.

Will that work tho, I’ll wear the same sheer af makeup tomorrow for sure.

It’s okay tho(?), as long as you don’t look in the mirror?

And, as long as you don’t take people’s stare as mockery and think they secretly laughed at you. Don’t be fidgety and pat your face with tissues. Don’t listen to criticism, don’t look at her face. Don’t feel oily, because that’s when you pat your face with tissues taking along your(mum’s) loose powder. Don’t feel restless when you see the foundation on your tissue and don’t want to see your mirror.

Oh…

Yeah.

 

WELP, guess I’m waiting for that blackout blink then.

 

 

Update the next day : I’M UP WITH MY MAKEUP AND SNATCH EYELINERS READY TO (mentally) KICK A$$.