way too ambitious, confident but dubious, proud, hard-working, individualistic, devil-may-care but at the same time needs approval and appreciation,  has this love-hate relationship with himself

Once upon a time, there was a boy who wanted the world. Then he got it, but it was still not enough. And then he lost it, and realized it was everything he needed.

The moment Jinyoung sets his eyes on something and fire ignites in them, know that the world has come to an end. For he would see the world burn if he could be king of the ashes. He has a goal in life - to matter, to be worthy, to be known - and he will make sure he achieves it. Yes, for now it is a work in progress, but know that he is working on it. It took him five ing years to debut, he can manage waiting a few more. He is the kind of guy to do whatever he can to acheive what he thinks is a worthy cause, and it doesn't really matter if he's capable of it or not. Oftentimes he sets for himself goals that he simply can't achieve (like the time in sixth grade when he vowed to win a fight against an eight grader twice his size. Spoiler alert: he failed), and it results in waste of time, waste of energy, and disappointment that makes him ask why wasn't his hard work appreciated and that results in surges of anger towards the world and towards himself and a desire to show them, to prove them wrong, and so he keeps on working and the circle goes on again and again and again.

There is another reason for his never-ending hard work. Fear. He deserves the world, without any doubt - he has worked so hard to achieve it so he must be rewarded for that. That's how the world works. Hard-working people get rewarded - but there is this whisper in his head. That malicious, soft whisper that sounds oodly (is it that odd, really?) like his father and sometimes like himself, telling him that he has wasted his life on a childish dream that was unrealistic and foolish. And as much as Jinyoung wishes to ignore that whisper, he listens. He listens closely. And he is desperate to prove it wrong. He is so driven because he is constantly afraid that all of his work has gone to waste (and some might argue that it has). He knows - no matter how much he despises it - that sometimes he spends way too much time on things he can't achieve. If he fails, then all of his hard work would be for nothing. Five years as a trainee, seven more years as an idol. Twelve years of hard work, wasted. Doubt is swirling in his mind at any given second, taunting him and laughing at him and he can't help be listen. He really is afraid that all of what he's worked with was for nothing. Performing is the only thing he's good at, and he can't see himself as anything other than an idol. There is nothing else in his life for him other than that. And if all this was for nothing, if he has wasted his life, what is there left for him? His biggest fear is that he has wasted his life chasing after some foolish dream, but at this point he can't just stop because there's nothing else in life for him other than the entertainment industry.

He won't talk about those fears of his to anyone - maybe Hana, but he to be drunk beyond recognition and she has to be actually willing to listen - because he will not admit his weakness to others. He is too proud for that. He thinks that there is nothing wrong in thinking that you're better than others and openly speaking about it, sure, but he also believes that 99.99% of the population doesn't deserve to see that side of him. Even if you put aside the fact that they will, without any doubt, use his weaknesses against him, most people simply wouldn't be able to understand him. He doesn't blame them - honestly, how can you blame someone for not understanding something if they're just not smart enough to do so? There's nothing you can do about it - but he doesn't try to change them, either. No matter how much doubt he has about himself, you won't see any of it when you look at him. He's confident, bordering arrogance, knows that what he says is true. They say that you are what you eat. Jinyoung swallows pride for breakfast, launch, dinner and those late night cravings. That's just what happens when you're on a diet 24/7 - you can't help yourself. Pride prevents him from opening up, and pride also makes him believe that he is superior to others - he has worked harder, danced better, had bigger goals, therefore he is better than them. In his opinion, a man should be judged based on what he wants to achieve in life. Jinyoung wants to world. Is your goal as worthy?

The fact that most of the time he thinks himself better than others results in a very individualistic human being. If he is better, why should he care about what they think? Jinyoung has strong opinions and strong beliefs, and he will not apologize for them. He relies on himself, and on himself alone. A rare exception would be someone he thinks deserves his respect and his time. He's basically the dude in a group project who tells everyone that he'll do all the work so they should just relax, but does it in a more way. Oh, you think he cares that you just called him an behind his back? Oh honey, please. He doesn't give a about what you think about him... that is, until he does.

He doesn't want to concern himself with the opinions of others, but at the same time he desperately wants them to love him. He wants to be known and be appreciated, and he knows that people appreciate you only if they care for you. And for them to care for you they have to be fond of you... so he needs their opinions. But at the same time they have never appreciated him - even at his peak of popularity, they always said someone was better than him, someone deserved it more - and he feels that if they didn't appreciate him then they are fools. But the feeling of being loved, of being told that he is great is amazing - it's better than any drug, better than anything he has ever experienced. He lives for that. And he would do anything, anything to get that feeling back. It reminds him of his goal, and it reminds him of his righteous hard work. Above all, even if he is afraid to admit it (even to himself), it reminds him of the person he once was but will never be again.

He looks in a mirror, and he sees ghosts.  The boy he once was - a boy of only fifteen, hardworking and quiet, trying to conquer the world but too afraid to do so. A boy of twenty one, freshly debuted, refilled with strength and faith, ready to conquer the world at any given moment, but still lacking in confidence and charm. That boy was weak, but that boy was nice and was eager to learn from others. That boy wasn't hated by others. That boy did not hate himself. That boy might have been meek, but that boy didn't look at his group members and saw competition. That boy didn't look in the mirror and saw a bastard. That boy still had friends. That boy still had something, anything that was not his goal. That boy was far from perfect, but that boy was miles better than who he is now. And it makes him both sad and furious.

He is very confused about himself. He loves himself - he's hard-working, he's skilled, he knows his worth and he has proven time and time again that he is better than most - but at the same time he despises himself - because even if he manages to accomplish his goal in the end, what does it matter? Would it really be as great as he had always thought it would be, if he wouldn't have anyone to share it with? He has no one but himself, and what does greatness matter if you can't share it with the people who supported you when you put your blood, sweat and tears into it? He knows that he has become an , and sometimes he thinks that even if he has the skill and the talent and the right, he doesn't deserve being appreciated by people, because he doesn't appreciate them. Fame - the one thing that he has always strived for - has kind of become his undoing, in a very ironic, Shakespearean way. He was a decent human being before he got to taste that sinfully sweet poison. But no matter how sweet it was, it ruined him nonetheless. Pride snuck on him slowly - he had always had it in him, but never so profoundly - but in the end it engulfed him all the same. And when he lost the fame, he went rigid. His body knew it was poisoned, but it still craved more. He became bitter, desperate, jealous, even more proud. And it started poisoning not only him, but those surrounding him - his family, Chanhee, the other members of Aeon, Hana... but when he finally realized what was going on, it was too late. His body was addicted. No matter how much he knew he was wrong, he couldn't help it. The thoughts just come to his mind, and late at night, when he has no one but himself, he feels disgusted with himself. But he can't do anything about it. No matter how much he tries, the poison runs too deep. 

tl;dr:

Once upon a time: Jinyoung was a young, impressionable child. He was hard-working and had big dreams, but he was also meek, lacked charisma and was always unsure of himself. But he was determined to prove the world wrong - or prove it right, depends on how you look at it - and that's what drove him to keep on working. When he became popular thanks to the sub-unit with Hana, he started feeling superior to others, prideful of his accomplishments to the point when he thought that he was better. Thanks to Hana, the sub-unit and his new-found fame, he started developing confidence and charisma. The road for the that he is today was slowly paved.

Now: Jinyoung is still hard-working, but it appears as if his hard work has gone to waste. And boy does it make him angry. But also desperate. And also makes him doubt himself more, like every single waking second. That combined with his withdrawl from fans screaming out his name in awe and people talking about how handsome, how talented and how amazing Seo Jinyoung is, results in quite an unfortunate . He can't help it, though. Trust me, he has tried. He still tries, or at least he wants to try, but he is far too deep into the rabbit hole and at this point he doesn't think he can stop but he desperately wants to and all of it makes him very confused. So he both loves and hates himself, and doesn't know what to do with it. Throw in a bunch of people - most notably a certain Min Hana - that (literally) serve as constant reminders of what he once had and who he used to be, and you get one happy camper. Watch and learn, folks. This is how psycho dictators are born.

Seo Jinyoung was not a man born for greatness. Born to a middle-class family that consisted of a business man and a housewife, in Seoul, South Korea, nothing about his birth nor childhood indicated that he would ever grow to be anything other than mundane.Which was exactly why Jinyoung tried to do anything in his ability to stand out. Even as a boy he felt a very strong urge to be different, unique. He had a desire to become known, to matter to the world and not just the small circle of people surrounding him.

He tried so hard to stand out. When the boys in the neighborhood played soccer, he was the one who ran the most, trying to show off his skills with the ball. When the teacher asked a question during a lesson, he was the first one to raise his hand. Unfortunately, no matter how much he tried, certain things were simply out of his reach. There was this one boy who was always better than him in soccer. He was never really math inclined. Jinyoung kept on trying and trying, but it was obvious that he couldn't stand out that way. The question of "what would?" burned hot in his mind. Literally.

H.O.T were absolute G.O.Ds back in the day. Even seven year old Jinyoung was enamored by the five members, admiring them like a cub admires lions. Even back then he knew that this was the kind of life he wanted for himself. To be known, to be adored. When he told his parents, his father didn't approve. His mother wass more open-minded, so she let him take vocal classes. And that was how Jinyoung found the one thing that he was better at than others - dancing. It is unknown whether Jinyoung loved singing so much because he was better at it than the others, or if he was better at it than others because he loved it so much. The facts remain: Jinyoung absolutely adored singing and was good at it. Very good. From that point onwards he knew that he was going to become an idol when he grew up - it was the thing that when he worked hard for it, it actually paid off. He wanted his hard work to be appreciated, and he wanted himself to be appreciated - becoming and idol was the obvious choice for him. The only thing remaining was figuring out how to tell his parents about it.

His mother was surprised, but she didn't oppose it (at least not openly). His father was a whole different story. He thought the whole ordeal was stupid, and was not afraid of telling his son that. In a rather heated argument his father said that he was going to chase childish dreams that would only waste his time in the long run. "Ten years later," he said, "You will look back and you will realize that you have wasted your life. And there will be nothing you can do about it."

Jinyoung, of course, was having none of it. He was a meek child, always keeping his ambitions to himself, and that was the first time when he stood up and opposed to someone. In a very teenage angsty rebellious act, he auditioned for SM entertainment - previous home to the now disbanded H.O.T - and got rejected. But he didn't stop. He tried again, this time for JYP, and got rejected again. Then he decided to try auditioning for a smaller company. Helix were holding auditions around that time, and so Jinyoung figured he should try auditioning. And that was how, at the age of fifteen, Seo Jinyoung became a trainee under Helix Entertainment.

Training was both awful and amazing. His father, at first, had made it his life goal to try and get him dropped out of the program, but a year later he gave up on his son altogether and simply kept on telling him that he is wasting his time. It was also the hardest thing he had ever done - training was rough and tiring, and he was tossed around by the instructors a lot. That one act of rebellion against his father was not followed up by other brave deeds, and his meek nature had made sure that he would get kickedto the ground by instructors and more charismatic and charming trainees. But at the same time he was doing what he loved and he was working hard to achieve his dreams. All the hard work ensured that he was getting closer and closer to his dream, and the satisfying feeling of improvement and praise was almost euphoric. Five years later he finally got to debut in a group with six other trainees, and as a main vocalist, no less! Jinyoung was thrilled. He finally saw progress, and his dream was one step closer to being accomplished. 

Things got crushing down soon after. Aeon's debut may have gone better than expected, but their following comeback flopped hard. The light at the end of Jinyoung's dream tunnel turned black, and he was back in the undecided darkness. It was not a nice feeling. The comeback after was not much better, and Standing Still was a complete disaster. Aeon, who was previously on the path to success, turned left towards Nugu Land, and Jinyoung did not appreciate the change of directions. His father's words sounded clear in his head - especially since he kept repeating them again and again at every possible opportunity. Every time Jinyoung was home, his father would tell him that he had wasted seven years of his life and he should just stop and go back while he still has a chance. Every time he was on his phone with his parents, trying to find consolation during those hard points in Aeon's nobody days, his father would say that he was right and that Jinyoung was wasting his life for a childish dream he kept on foolishly chasing. His father's words bit hard on Jinyoung's self-esteem, and doubt had never flung him so hard before. He felt like he was disappointed everything - disappointing the other members, disappointing Helix, disappointing his family and disappointing himself. He felt miserable and hopeless and his father's constant remarks didn't help either. So when Chanhee's drama suddenly exploded and people remembered that Aeon existed, no one was happier than Jinyoung. The dream tunnel was lit with light once more, and he actually felt grateful for Chanhee. But at the same time a small part of him whispered "it should've been you and not him". For now, Jinyoung ignored it.

With Aeon back on track with Eternity being a huge success, Helix felt like they should exploit Aeon's sudden popularity to the fullest - milk everything they can while it lasts. It was around that time (two months before their rise to popularity) that a female trainee by the name of Min Hana transferred to the company. Previously a trainee under SM Entertainment, she was a known member of SMRookies and was speculated to be a part SM's upcoming girl group. Her transfer gathered buzz from netizens, and people were wondering what Helix are going to do with her. Helix figured they could hit two stones with one rock - ride on Aeon's newfound popularity and add more fame to Hana before officially debuting her. So they announced a sub-unit called Troublemaker that was meant to bring trouble to the kpop world. Since Hana was a dancer and a rapper, Troublemaker needed a strong vocalist to balance her, and so the competition was between Jinyoung and Seunghoon. Jinyoung was ultimately picked because he had better looks and Helix thought he had better chemistry with Hana. A month later, they debuted. And they sure brought trouble to the kpop world. 

People were scandalized by the music video and performance. Such a thing was never done in the industry before, and the controversy surrounding them was huge. But at the same time people loved it. It was new, refreshing, scandalous but not too scandalous. Above all they praised Hana for her amazing charisma and performing abilities. She was naturally gifted in that department, while Jinyoung, who had always lacked charisma, was turned into Hana's backup singer of some sorts. People said that the reason Troublemaker worked so well was because Hana is a charisma machine and Jinyoung a "wet blanket" so there wasn't enough chemistry to be scandalous while still being scandalous. While he got overshadowed by his female partner, Jinyoung was happy. He was more famous than he was before, and he was one step closer to achieving his dreams. Hana was also an amazing partner to work with. She was radiating confidence and charisma, worked hard, and most of all had faith in Jinyoung. Hana had set herself a mission to make Jinyoung more confident, more charismatic, and slowly but surely she had achieved it. It had been a while since Jinyoung felt like someone other than himself truly believed in him, and it was an amazing feeling. He probably developed a slight crush on Hana at that point (though he would not admit it to anyone, himself included), and she became the closest person to him, the one he could confide in, talk freely with and trust that would be there for him. It was the happiest he has been since he first discovered singing.

Meanwhile Aeon kept on getting more and more popular, and that along with his Troublemaker was quite fun for Jinyoung. He had come to rather enjoy his new-found popularity and the things that it provided. He finally felt like he had achieved all that he had strived for. All of his hard work had finally payed off, and he was finally a person who was appreciate by the masses, a person who was loved and adored and deserved all of this adoration because he had worked for this. It was a dream come true. He had proved his father wrong, and he had proved that he had been right all along.

But not many are able to deal with fame, and Jinyoung was far too impressionable, far too meek for that. Being famous, having his name being screamed by countless of fans had slowly but surely poisoned his mind. He gained confidence, became prideful, started to believe that he truly was better than others. Pride and confidence looked ugly on him, but he couldn't help himself. He didn't care. He deserved all of this. It was a gradual change, one that didn't happen in a few days. But the more more fans screamed his (or Aeon's, or Troublemaker's. It didn't really matter to him) name, the more music show wins and awards they recieved, the more his mindset changed. And as he thought he was better than others, slowly he started believing he was better than the other members too. It wasn't something he was too vocal about, but it was ever-present nonetheless. And of course, the other members weren't all too pleased. Not that Jinyoung cared. He didn't need anyone's approval (but oh, he did. He did, so very ing much), and he didn't care what others thought of him. He was fine, as long as the masses adored him. And that was the greatest hypocricy of them all.

Amidst it all, about a year after Troublemaker's debut, after Aeon became even more famous, Helix decided it was time for Hana and Jinyoung's comeback (or if you'd like the longass, more cinematic, uncut version). While their debut was a risk taken by the company, now it was an ensured success. And it sure was a success. With Jinyoung's freshly discovered charisma and confidence, everything that was acceptably controversial about Troublemaker became sensationaly controversial in Now. It was more daring, more ual, filled with even better chemistry. The song climbed to the top of the charts immediately. Haters ridiculed how overly-ual and tacky it was. Fans defended by saying that it was groundbreaking, innovative and brought something 365 fresh to the Korean scene. No matter which way you looked at it, it recieved a lot of attention, and thus a lot of new fans. And Jinyoung's ego grew even more. Before he knew that he owes most of Troublemaker's success both to Chanhee (who got Aeon's the initial exposure) and Hana (who carried single handedly both of them with her charisma). But now he started thinking more and more that he was the main reason for it success. He tried fighting this feeling - because it was Hana. It wasn't Chanhee, or Seunghoon, or Youngbae or any of the other Aeon members he had no personal connection to. It was Hana, the one person he could actually trust in this world. But as much as he tried to fight it, he couldn't. And it made him angry. Why won't people admit that he was as responsible for Troublemaker's success as she was, if not more? Why won't people acknowledge his talents and hard-working tendencies? Why, even though he was so popular already, people still turned their starry eyes towards Chanhee, idolizing him to the point that it made sick? Those thoughts became more and more apparent as time passed, and with each interview where Hana took the lead and he was cast into the shadows (and it didn't matter that he was worse at that variety than she was), with each concert Chanhee's name was heard the loudest while his name was second, third, fourth, Jinyoung became more vocal about his opinions and thoughts.

And that was when everything started turning for the worse.

A netizen that was watching one of their broadcasts noticed how Jinyoung rolled his eyes at something Chanhee had said. "He was being super rude the entire time", the netizen claimed, "Even if you ignore that eyeroll, Seojin was being very rude the entire time and ignored Woosu every time he said something". It was, in no way, a big scandal - Chanhee laughed it off, and it couldn't have compared to any of Troublemaker's previous controversies. At least, not at first. Chanhee's fans immediately started investigating. Digging into previous interviews, variety appearances, anything that had been recorded, they dug up more and more "proof" that "Seo Jinyoung is an ". The snowball kept and kept and kept on rolling. Aeon's haters jumped on the hate bandwagon as well, soon followed by other people, Aeon and his fans included.

Jinyoung didn't give a . Their opinions didn't matter to him - he knew who he was, and he didn't need anyone's approval... that is, until he started caring about the fact that they no longer loved him. Fans abandoned him at the speed of light, with only a small, practically insignificant amount remaining as his devout defenders. But they were in no way enough for Jinyoung. He had always wanted the world, wanted absolutely everyone to adore him, and he had tasted the taste of fame, and it was too sweet to forget. He was stuck in a the awkward position of not caring about other people's opinions but caring that they no longer love him.

Confused, betrayed and even hurt, he went to the only person he could freely talk to. Hana. But that talk did not end well. Hana didn't sugarcoated her opinions, and exposed the hypocricy of it all. She was never one to sugarcoat anything, and while Jinyoung appreciated it before, it felt less good when adressed at him. And of course, instead of taking the critism, he attacked right back. Everything that he had tried to repressed for the sake of their friendship (because she was the only one that truly mattered to him. Was it love? He doesn't know. The fact remains the same), came flooding out of him. He accused her of stealing all of his credit for Troublemaker, for not really caring for him, for being a stupid , the list went on. Hana was insulted to the core of her bones, and never one to turn the other cheek, she left with the promise of never seeing him ever again.

Of course, with both of them under the same company, it turned out to be quite difficult. So instead, she opted for either insulting him or ignoring him alltogether, and refused any further Troublemaker activties. No matter how much the company tried to sway her mind, she refused to have anything to do with Jinyoung and their sub-unit. Meanwhile, Jinyoung was regretting everything he had said to her, but pride as he was, he didn't say anything to her about it. Secretly, he longed for their friendship, for having her just be there for him. Now he was left completely alone - with no supportive family, no friends, no one to tell him that it was going to be okay.

So now Jinyoung is stuck in this ty situation. Fans don't like him. Aeon doesn't like him. Hana doesn't want anything to do with him, and while she has debuted (either solo or with a group, whatever fits the story) she  still refuses to do anything Troublemaker related. At this point he no longer recognizes himself. But he can't stop. He has to keep on going. He has worked too hard and if he stops than he admits that he has wasted 12 years of his life. And he couldn't have wasted them. He has worked too hard, he deserves recognition. He deserves to be known, to matter to people. Why don't they get it? But at the same time he knows he is an now - nobody wants anything to do with him. Not even Hana - and Hana is the one person that makes him want to become a better man - and now he's stuck in this limbo of he loves himself and he hates himself and he loves himself and he hates himself. And he wishes he knew how to stop. He really, really, really does. But he can't. He doesn't know how.

- He drinks, a lot. To himself he admits that he does that because he's desperate for anything to make him feel good, but to anyone else asking he doesn't have a reason. He just does it. When he's drunk he is the most sincere, and most of the serious, sincere conversations one can have with him will be when Jinyoung is drunk. Of course, he won't let himself get drunk around you if he doesn't trust you, so he will never really get super drunk unless he's alone. One of the only exceptions to that would be Hana, as he tries very hard to be sincere around her but fails miserably and needs any help he can get.

- He would've been a smoker, too, if it wasn't for the ruined vocal chords.

- He tried learning composing during their nugu days, but nothing really clicked. he knows the basics, but he probably would never be able to make a song from scrath like Seunghoon.

- Jinyoung loves (well, not exactly loves... more like appreciates their existence) each and all fan, but he will always treat his fans better.

- Even though he's now very charismatic on stage, he still at interviews. A lot. Like, he can't do them. He has a very devil may care approach, and really doesn't give a about what people think. But at the same time he knows he has to care because their opinions translate to his popularity and success in the industry, so he tries to be polite and say the right things. But he was never one to say the right things, so it's kind of a struggle every single time.