So I was supposed to be studying and catching up on ALL those readings but I cant focus so here I am again huehue. Figured I'd talk a bit more about my fandoms since I've gained more insight about how I view them.

First up, Cassiopeia! Well for the longest time I've been thinking if I still count as a Cassie, and then I'd confirm that yes of course I am! But then it goes again and I wonder, but I don't seem to love dbsk as much as I used to, why am I lying to myself just so I feel loyal or whatnot? This bothered me for the longest time ever (probably for like, idk, 3 years or so) until I found the answer last month. I was home alone, and ate something bad - idk what it did, but it had me feeling pukish, feverish, tired but not sleepy. I was feeling terribly sick and it was only 8pm, both my parents are overseas and since college has started my friends are also far from me (I chose not to live on campus). The whole house was quiet and eerie and it disturbed me so much - usually it doesnt bother me, I like the peace and I like being alone from time to time, but when I felt so sick this silence is terrifying and it erks me a lot (like idk when Im sick i tend to overexaggerate things and yeah at that moment i felt like i was dying alone lol). So I took up my phone and shuffled through all the songs that I've been listening to recently (I'm the kind who loops whatever songs that I just discover or sticks to a playlist religiously), none of them helped me feel better. I wanted to hear people talking, but not just any people - so by some god send inspiration, I dug out the Bieastation playlist on youtube. I slept peacefully through the night, even after my battery died, listening to the members chattering to each other, laughing or reading serious comments in japanese, they even get noisy at some times (like come on junsu has some of the noisiest laughter ever XD) but it makes me at ease so well? 

From then I realised something. That being Cassiopeia means beyond being a fan of dbsk. For me, dbsk is family. They were my least rational decision 6 (7?) years ago, the only group that I fell for this quick (I liked them from first sight, while both suju and bts took at least 2 yrs - maybe cause i got more mature and cautious after haha), the only group that I actually used the oppa term for (like legit, I've only pulled the oppa word in my first year of stanning dbsk, and I stopped completely after - idk this whole oppa thing is weird for me HAHA). I've never cried this much for any group till date - it was a bad decision to fall in love during the lawsuit period and seeing tvxq back as a duo, re-recording old songs, singing balloon with shinee, and that maximum dance practice with the sound track still with the voice of 5... and reading about jyj's hardships and not being able to do anything... Man I was pretty much waterworks back then. If I must be fair, dbsk is the single group that I was crazy for, mainly because I outgrew the immaturity and adopted a more rational view towards kpop after. DBSK is what I call family. I've never been the im-gonna-marry-oppa kind of fan, more like they-are-all-my-children kind, and yeah suju is definitely family in my eyes (bts is not so yet there, ive not liked them long enough), but dbsk is so different. DBSK is a group that I met at my worse (and probably, they were at their worse too) - I was socially secluded, fears human interaction, doesnt believe in anything and swears to not love anyone because it'll end up hurting me. When dbsk came into my life, they opened doors for me with conversation enablers ("oh you like dbsk? me too who do you like?" etc), and most importantly they made me love again. They got me believing that the world's a better place than my younger self' tunnel vision saw, caoxed me out of my shell even it's just by a little. They were the light of my life. There was something comforting about improving when I improve with them. I may have dropped out with their recent update, but at the end of the day, no one calms me down as fast as they do, and nothing brings me to tears as fast they their harmony does. They were this huge presence in my life then, and now they've retreated to the sidelines, but always remains a sturdy home that I'd return home when thoroughly bent and tired. They're always there, in my memories, unchanging, welcoming, suffering but strong, sad but warm. I may no longer be a 'fan' so per say, but they'll always be family. Always.

Next, Ever Lasting Family! I got to know of suju alongside dbsk actually, these are the two groups i met at my worse. But unlike dbsk, I'm still a fan of suju. I follow suju because they achieved something that dbsk couldn't - that is while they cant have the orignal lineup physically, they've never denied anything less and are never afraid of bringing those taboo names up. It's never less heartwarming when I see them talk of themselves as 13 - from the lyrics of Superman in 2011, until now when they still imitate hangeng and kibum at concerts. SuJu was something very, very different from the start. When I first heard of them, I hated that idea - 13 members? You kdiding me? Wont they fall off the stage? And their image is so comical. I watched them with distaste while spazzing over dbsk. But when I fell hard for dbsk and the lawsuit pains me everyday, suju got me smiling. When I cant stand to watch funny dbsk videos because I think of how they wont be 5 again, I switched to watching suju - a seemingly carefree, hilarious and entertaining group. When I abstained from dbsk at a point of time to stop hurting, I learnt that suju is so much more than what I thought they are. They've gone through nothing less, but became so much more. I can't remember when, at a point in time, I've became an ELF. It's almost crazy to think that they've been around for over a decade really, it seems as if they've always been with me. DBSK exists in my past, but suju left a consistent trail. If  dbsk  is home,  suju  is my pillar. A pillar of support, of consistency, of lessons and values. They've taught me so much over the years.

Finally, ARMYs! This is my youngest fandom (both by years of actual existence, and by years of my participation), and I must say it's something very different from my earlier fandoms. I was solely CassiELF for about 5 years - well exo almost joined on the 3rd but yeah, until BTS came into picture in 2015 with INU. I wasnt in the fandom yet, but I repicked up my good vibes from them (seeing how I lost touch with bts post AHL). With the right mix of variety shows and bangtan bomb, I welcomed their release of HYYH pt2 just before I flew off for china after completing my alevels. In those 3 months of fire wall, I lived off that album. Till now pt 2 is still my fav and most familiar of the trilogy because I've listened to all tracks on replay. My status as ARMY was confirmed alongside my bias on their weekly idol appearance, which I was initially actually watching for heechul. Now, BTS is the main group I'm keeping tabs on (I still follow suju, but with eunhae and friends in the army, i just mainly follow heechul on weekly idol and keep minor effort in following teukie & yesung since they're ever so active on SNS). I'm definitely a fan, I like BTS for their looks (not gonna lie im shallow af, but i still love them even after seeing all those meme worthy moments, must be ing true love then), music (and the purpose it contains, urgh i love it when a group has composers), dance (3:33 jimin ver and fire hobi ver is my ritual not even kidding), courage (for pursuing their dreams, for challenging the stagnant hierarchy dominated by SMYGJYP, for overcoming all odds from heart disease to psychological hardships), and down to earth personality (i mean even the most image-concerned car-door man jin has a ajjumma & alpaca side of him). BTS is not yet that family yet, mainly because I havent liked them for that long and I'm still at the stage where I will fangirl (what even is fangirling over suju, i mean except for really rare moments during concerts that are usually ruined by the next performance of a galloping horse or wild cosplays lmao). I dont see any reason why I wont stay with BTS either. So here's to our HYYH that never ends :)