Well, not love per se, not the actual job either, but the idea of it.

I worked for a book publishing house for close to two years, and I am currently working for another corporation. All in all I mostly work all the time, if I wanted to perform well for both. The publishing house gig, I did for the love of books and publishing and pays close to nothing, and it's really, really crap at times. I read books of crap, and most of the time I did painful administrative like inputting metadata on a system that we eventually chucked because my publisher didn't want to pay too much money with so little return. I wrote publicity promotions, spoke to authors, tried promoting books... and all in all I thought it was moderately fun. I did everything I could to get my foot in that door, and I didn't want to leave. I wanted to capitalize on everything but that meant asking for more work, that meant 365 pages more to proofread on top of 300+ first reader reviews and then the social media, the interviews, all that... but then, I also have my day job, and after a while, that foot on the door, it became so sore because I don't think I am overworked, but yes I think I am undervalued, because, all this work didn't amount to a full time job or any real solid job description or role, and I don't really know. It kills me to leave the industry I would kill for to be in, but at the same time, I am not doing what I want.I have no real guidance to tasks, and I feel somehow that I am trying to work and study and at 1 am in the morning, I would have to go to bed, and wake up at 5 to work for my REAL job. I got to thinking why is my dream job kind of painful? And I am not really in love with what I do, but more of the idea around it.The idea of some day.

And I realize that I no longer write what I love, rather I am in yet again in sales and marketing, and while I expected to write copy, I didn't expect to be required to promote books I have no time to read... it's just... I don't know... a lot of lying and bad writing because I have no time to be creative... and it breaks my heart because I could have done so much more, but couldn't because I need to stop spreading myself so thin... and I need something more like a formal training to write content, some time for myself... and yeah... life is so hard. I wish I can be in the publishing industry again, someday, when I have figured out how to be in it... somehow without killing the fire, you know. I am just really sad.

Oh PS: You don't need to make me feel better, especially you youngins who have no experience about life and the NEED for moulah, and giving up dreams. Just don't do it... I hate to say it, but yeah, I don't think you understand.