This morning I heard that iznaberry, a fanfictionist of some renown in the TabiSan/Daragon tag, has passed away. I didn't really feel like I should talk about her passing because one, we had a falling out several years ago, and two, this might sound incredibly selfish and insensitive.

I am not really compelled to write about her, and I have always thought people who tag condolences are always insincere unless you are part of that circle... And I thought it was incredibly insensitive to be just, you know, curious, and philosophize about mortality when someone's life has ended. I am, however, been feeling like people have been dying around me, and because I have a mental illness and emotional limitations I can only see everything as regret. My closest IRL friend Eric passed away in December, my abusive father died, a distant family member passes, and now a broken friendship ends in disrepair. And I know I have no right to mourn a bridge that I have, myself, burnt, but still... while I am taking some counselling, I have been asked why I don't trust friendships, and I tell them firmly, is that because people disappoint me. I don't even have any excuse to lessen the pompousness of this statement. I just don't have any emotional resilience that I would rather cut ties than watch it fray... if that makes sense.

But going back to iznaberry... There were some months last year that I felt that I needed to apologize to certain people that I have hurt and though it hadn't been iznaberry specifically because I have hurt many people, she was one of them. I know this is not about her... but about me, about certain things that makes me think that I am just a really rotten person, but I am feeling quite guitly of not being able to her why I had been so angry at her, or that she had become the blunt of one of my emotional episodes when she had treated me quite well and with obvious affection. It's sad. No. It is not sad, rather I am sad that I didn't have that opportunity to apologize because... I'm insane or proud... or having some convenience of having an emotional problem that I can hide at whenever I am uncomfortable about social interactions.

But yeah, my introspection aside, Iznaberry passed away from Leukemia, and though I am no longer her friend, she was once was and I wanted to say things to commemorate her life, because I think a life deserves that. I did not particularly grow close to her, but she is an incredibly affectionate soul calling me her love after a few conversations. She liked the way my head works, she claimed, but it is of course my mental issues that ended our friendship. I met her reading "From soup to nuts" or before that... I don't really remember the specifics, but I will always remember her as someone who made effort to make connections with people. She was kind, and funny, and engaging. She liked Naruto. She respected my opinions, and I am incredibly regretful that I didn't respect hers, and now I no longer have that opportunity to apologize for being so hurtful for words she probably did not mean. I am sorry that she had extended her hand to me in friendship and I had maliciously bitten it off. I know that I am a difficult person and I have been proving it for so long as I go... and I know that the issue is not really iznaberry passing, but she made me think of this...

Sometime in June, I wanted to speak to her and apologize for my behaviour and it didn't even matter if she forgave me... I just judge people too much. Yeah.

I just wanted to say that now that I can no longer iznaberry was more than a writer here, more than a fan of Dara or 21 and she had a life behind typed words online, and now her ending is obscure to most of us, but I wish it was happy uphill. Thank you for the friendship that I did cherish while I was in it. I am sorry I had no emotional capacity to keep you. I am sure you had a full life because you put importance on people and happiness.

I am not going to miss your stories, I will miss instead you, who I never given the opportunity to grow in my tattered heart. I am sorry you suffered, even from a short time, from my crassness. Yeah, I don't know how to end this.