The angst

I used to write a lot of angst, but now, I am writing a lot of... I won't say dumb, but er... lighter stories. I think I am afraid to touch a nerve or something, ah, maybe that means I cherish my mental wellfare more. Ahahaha... or maybe I am just lazy... I don't know. I miss writing though. I mean that feeling when I thought I mattered. Now, I feel like I don't matter, hahaha. Life is being hard and it's not even all that hard, but I think if I rub myself out, the big picture would be all right... or something... or better.

I miss Eric. I don't know. Why is everything okay even if he is dead? I played this DnD game and wanted to ask him if he played it and if he liked it, or if I should just play Divinity Sin... and I don't know...he always told me that every moment he spent he didn't regret even if it was dumb because he enjoyed himself, and he always made me feel guilty for feeling guilt for everytime I didn't feel right doing things that I shouldn't... you know, he said, it's only procrastinating because you are so fixed on what you need to be or do, and I know he is such an annoying hipster, but I wish I was more like him, you know, not this tight ball of wanting to be someone or do something to make me relevant... I am tired. I miss Eric. I wish he could tell me again how he thinks I'm cool or that I should spend more time being happy with myself. Sometimes, I feel like I shouldn't be okay, you know. Just for the sake of Eric who died, and the world refused to spontaneously combust without him, I mean. His mom mourns him everyday... mourns hims every day, but she's working to move on, and I have moved on, but I wish, maybe, that I don't... because that would ultimately mean that everything is pointless, and I am holding my breath for nothing.

I am sad... like endlessly sad... like I will never reach the point where I am not sad, or unfulfilled, and I am having a midlife crisis since I was 21... hahaha. WTF? Eric wanted to know the world, know people, write a book, design a game, and he made a face that was something like a :/ whenever he shrugs... he plays a lot of Steam games.He has a legend of zelda tattoo but he never talks about zelda, He told me I was dark, hahaha. I always liked that. I should go.

We should have hanged out more. Poor Eric, but oh my god, I wish that you really did love every moment of all those time you missed sleep listening to ebooks... I wish you don't have regrets. Love you, friend. I still wish I could talk to you.

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hellokorea #1 Feb 22, 2016 02:42:36

Okay, I reread what you wrote, and I may have missed the mark a bit with what I just posted, but it's late and I'm tired. And now the week is starting and will be really busy, but I'll check back here to see if you wrote anything. I still stand by my previous comment, as far as those are things I truly believe, but you had some more subtle issues that I forgot about while getting caught up in my own point of view.

hellokorea #2 Feb 22, 2016 02:33:05

Hey Sevvy. I know Eric was youngish, but what he said was very wise. Take it from someone old enough to be your mom, though that would've made me a very young mom. I have a feeling he truly did enjoy those ebooks. And he was relevant because he made a difference in your life, and his mom's life, and I'm sure there were others. I understand the feeling of wanting to matter, wanting to be relevant, but in my life, trying to force that hasn't worked out. It's a long story, but you can win awards, etc. and still ultimately be used. I was tired of my creativity being used make money for other people or to feed already outsized egos. So the question is, relevant to whom, and for what?

There are a lot of people in this world who are considered relevant, but who are just adding to the negativity in the world, doing it for the glory, etc. I've seen a whole ton of b.s. in my life. I value people who are real, who care about others- even if most of the world doesn't know they exist, in my book they are relevant in a way that truly matters. Sometimes those people become successful, and then become relevant to many more people. But I have seen far too many people sell their souls for a type of relevancy that doesn't enrich others' souls, if you can forgive me the use of that term. I would hope for you to be true to yourself, and be relevant that way. Then work for the love of the work, be it writing or whatever else matters to you. Learn, grow, put your work out there, and let it touch who it touches. Work to expand your audience if you want to, but don't do it to be relevant. You are already relevant. Your work has touched me, as silly as that may seem to you- certain stories of yours have really meant a lot to me. I see a lot of promise in you. Okay, I'm almost at the max. About Line, I had to delete it because I ran out of memory on my phone. I need to get an SD card, then I'll download it again.