It's been close to a week since my good friend Eric passed from this life, and I am actually been in a bit of a grief daze since I heard. I did not know if I'd ever come out from it... I felt guilt over my life and living. I think I felt guilty I can still laugh. Of course, that grief was entangled with my conflicted feelings about my abusive father's passing as well... I really did think at some point that my life (and minorly my fangirl life) was offensive to... well... to being a good person. I don't really know what I am talking about. I thought I should be in grief forever and try all this new things that Eric would no longer have opportunity to do, like write and be willful but all I did was watch dramas and eat oatmeal and feel like I am disappointing life as, you know, a general concept.

But after the eulogy, I think I felt a bit better, though I did spend three hours awake in bed this morning and did not start trying on doing life things until... until 3pm which kind of , but I don't blame Eric. I mean it's cold and I am a lazy , and I don't have work... so, you know.

I don't cry anymore. I mean, I still think it's really, really sad that one of the few friends I have, had been taken away, but in a sense, I am okay. I have just come to accept that he's gone, and I'll miss him, and you know... life goes on, even if I drag my feet, screaming, damn you Eric, damn you for being so goddam nice and yeah... I miss him, but I understand that keeping my life at a standstill only makes me well, in a standstill and it's not gonna magically bring him back. Though I have this weird expectation that he'd text me saying he moved to Nanuvut and he just did the houdini and everyone think he's dead. I know. I am not sane.

Tomorrow will be his memorial service, and maybe I'll cry or something, maybe I'll totally lose it, but for now, the fangirl sevvy is back... and I am going to do some fangirly things again... If Eric was alive, he'd go... you're so Asian, and I'd tell him to stop being racist. And he'd be lolol is that racist, sorry.

Or maybe not... I never told him I liked kpop. Or maybe I did. I don't remember.