It has been two days since my friend died. I think today is a little better. At least, I didn't burst into some random crying while I pee. It's weird, I think, because peeing makes me cry... I don't know. I just pee and think ah it would be weird to cry for Eric right now, so I do.

When I go for a smoke, I think if Eric had become a spirit and know I am thinking about him, he would also be privy that I am not useless this past few days for the sole reason that he is now dead... that mostly, I struggle with being idle... since... since I graduated. Should professional procrastination be something anyone aspires for?

Should I have warned everyone that this will not make much sense... well, anyway if you find yourself reading this, you were looking to kill time... well here, let me kill it for you... *takes out a saw*

My head is a mess, as that is its usual arrangement. I haven't done much work... and though I have told employers that I am grieving... which is in many ways true... I don't think I have been motivated to do anything for months, maybe years... maybe a decade... I don't know.

I think I have given up on myself along the way, and though I pick myself up most of the time. I am so ing tired of dropping myself every chance I get. I was reading this book titled The Antidote which tells me that the whole business of pursuing happiness makes happiness run away like my dog when he thinks I am chasing after him... you know... kind of like... paradox? But that's not the word. Like a... self-fulfilling prophecy... except it's not a prophecy. I don't know what I am saying.

When you have broken your head in a metaphorical case, like I have broken mine, it's like... Oh, I remember this analogy I told Chang, about being neck-high in -water and the waves is trying to drown you in crap and all you can do is try to keep the out of your mouth... and Chang said something like that is a very disgusting kind of hell. And I guess it is. But mostly, my depression is me thinking of how depressed I am and how I shouldn't be and I still am...

I think I am worthless and I am lazy, and I want money but I don't want to work... hahaha. And when I feel like , it starts to manifest physically, as with my head right now that is slowly developing this strange nag around my eyes... It's not painful, but it will be soon. I have these light sensitive migraines and after a while I can't see. And it's partially because my head is broken in a way that even physiologically I am starting to fail at life. Then I will spend some time puking, because the water becomes a little more than my imagination. Aren't I cool?

And everyday, I decide to be better tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes, and all my tomorrow becomes today that is filled with so much disappointment, like why I am unable to work, why can't I do anything? Why am I not as good as I want to be?

I like to write because when I write I feel like I am being honest and not pretending to be normal like everyone expects me to be... and when I write stories, they seem real to me, a life lived nicely where even the tiest thing can be phrased better and it looks halfway okay to be so full of even your analogies become crap...

I watched a lot of korean dramas the past few months. I think I like Seo In Guk as an actor. He has such a nice range of depicting characters. You should watch Hello, Monster and High School King of Savvy. This is a normal thought I am having that I no longer know when to say, because I am kind of insane.

I also watch TOP's Secret Message and think he has developed in facial expressions which he was finding a bit challenging since Alumni....

I have been meaning to write this thing... and keep wanting to be published but never submit anything, or try revising, or working harder, or looking for a job so I feel like I am normal, but I don't...

I just wait for tomorrow that only turns into today when I am still this ty self in neck high water trying to keep my mouth shut because I only have crap to say.

Eric is still dead.

Eric will never be alive again.

I will watch a kdrama and laugh.

I really need to find a job because I am nothing and poor and I need money so I don't feel worse for not having any...

Tomorrow I will be better, but tomorrow, never comes.