I am being redundant. I know I am... It's just... I am upset. This is the first time I have lost a friend to death and it's a strange feeling. You know how you don't hang out all the time, but now you realize you never will, and that all his kindness is gone from your life. I remember the casual conversations, and how engaged he was in everything.

He was only twenty seven. Twenty seven.

I don't really how I am supposed to feel. We were close... I am somehow thinking I am over reacting. He was a really good person...

I keep asking myself how can he possibly be dead. Just dead... you know. Just dead.

I feel a bit hollow.

I have many friends who are suicidal. Eric was not one of them, but he died all the same.

I am watching this korean drama, thinking, oh, should I just grieve? How does one grieve?

I am more conflicted with my feelings about his death than my grandma, who I knew I was supposed to miss terribly... but Eric was just a friend, and I don't see him all year... but just thinking of the idea that he doesn't exist anymore hurts me. His memories hurt me.

I remember our conversations from the first time to the last. I was trying to give him this book. He was telling me that he wanted to buy a car and just drive off somewhere...

I don't know the circumstances of his death, though a part of wishes that he didn't kill himself... I never knew that side of him. I don't believe that he should have told me, or anything... I just don't want him to be hurting that way...

Eric was like me... in a sense that he thought social interactions were work. Not dislikable work but it took effort.

We spoke a lot about things, about his dad's dogs that he absolutely hated... they puked a lot and made him lose sleep.

He used to cut hair for a living. He always had wicked hairstyle for a guy.

I miss him terribly. And I always thought people who cry too much about their friend dying were overdramatic... and they probably didn't know the person all to well..

but here I am in the middle of the afternoon, crying over the idea that I will never speak to him again. It hurts me.

How he will never make this odd face when he's surprised or play video games until he's guilt, or... do anything at all.

Eric was the few friends I genuinely cared for, and because friendship, you know, you don't express this gratitude you had for them.

Ah, Eric, did you know, you were the kindest person in the room, at least for me. You know, I appreciated every conversation, every text you sent when you thought there was this thing I should know... I really liked you. You were a great person.

I started reading that book your favorite author wrote. It made me cry. Why do you read such depressing things?

You had so many plans, and how you tried to contain your creativity with practicality always baffles me... But you were so slack it was almost annoying, but you were so good too. So smart. I don't know, Eric. I think you were a great guy. But no that you don't exist, I feel like ... you know? I don't know why, but I feel like ...