I don't really know how to begin, maybe there is no beginning only... uncomfortable feelings. Just a few minutes ago, I found out my closest University friend Eric passed away. His name is Eric Toner... I just feel like I should put it out there... We were close... Not close in terms that we hanged out a lot, but he was the closest person I had outside of family... because when we spoke, I always told him what I thought... like sincerely. Like without even the shade of trying to impress him or anything. He was a good fellow. As you may, or may not know, I am an immigrant, and Eric... Eric always made me feel like... it's okay to be different. The last thing he said was I am one of the coolest person he knew.

I don't even know what to say. We spoke a lot of stories that connected us, meaning fiction, meaning a lot of dragons, and dungeons, and heroic spirits. He was a writer. He told me a pitch about his novel... I don't quite remember it as well as I want. Now... now, I don't think he'd ever get published. And he had such big dreams. He wanted to move to another town or city and just... move. And be another person... or a new person, or just the old him that no one knew. I like listening to him and his plans about the future. He was studying programming. He was dating this girl, then that girl...

Now... now he is dead.

A part of me know, our friendship is pretty much on a superficial level, but I genuinely liked him as a human being. I always felt when I spoke to him that I have finally met a person who was inately like me. We played the same games, read the same books, enjoyed the meanderings of our minds. He would always ask me philosophical questions... and I would to... sometimes...

Eric was a good fellow. There wasn't anything romantic or . He was just a good person, and without much fuss, I think it would be fine to say I loved him in a way... not romantic... but as kindred spirit. I will miss him... and his profoundness and shallowness, and my heart is broken for the words he will never write again... I am so sorry, Eric. I am so sorry, you had to go. I wanted you to see Canada more and tell me how dumb you were and how life treats such a kind soul as you. I wanted to read your book. I should have asked you about it more. I am so sorry Eric...

Maybe I should have texted you more, or got that beer you asked for us to have. I am just... so upset.

On that note, my father died yesterday, as well... He was an abusive man who had a liking to alcohol until he gets violent. He gambled until he would pawn our things.... He beat my mother and my brothers. He hated responsibility. My father... he wasn't a good person. At least, he had done so many bad things that I can no longer see any good about him.

They say at death, there should be some... catharsis of some sort... a resolution. In some ways, I am sad that his end is not the end of my pain. He was a hurtful man, and until now, I am still the child he hurt and I am extremely angry for the pain he has caused me, and how he turned me into such a hurtful person. One of my biggest fear has always been turning into him. I had a drinking problem, I had extreme anger issues, and my relationships were . I think I am my father... in a way that makes me feel embarrassed and I am crying right now, because I wish I can forgive him. I really, really do and it's not even for him. I just want to be free from resentment, but I can't I cling to the memories of how awful he is...

His death wasn't a pleasant one. Me and my brothers hated him with all our guts. He wrote me a letter that I trashed.

A part of me wish I didn't trash it. A part of me thinks I am a really ty person for doing that.

My mother forgave him before he died, and I am happy he had that... at least...

But what about me, I mean, where does all my anger go now that he died.

There was this line from a song that I always thought of when it comes to my father: "I can not blame this on my father. He did the best he could for me."

And in my father's case, it would always be shaded with the fact that he was a bad person... a really horrible person who beat women and children, and goes on alcohol rampage, and steals money and gambles, who more than once threatened to kill me... called me , stole my money...

... and after all that, who I turn out to be... this, this confused who has a drinking problem with anger issues, who is no longer capable of trust.... or loving in a right comprehesible way... I've been suicidal for years and years... and a part of it is because I am so afraid of turning out to be him.... but if I can't blame him, is this all on me?

Was he even a good person... in any small way? I don't know. I don't know.

I wish my father peace... if he can get it. I used to think that I want him to go to hell, but now... I just... want him to be at peace. He can no longer hurt anyone, anyway. May there be peace for my father with such a tormented soul...

I wish there is peace for me too...

So today, I am in so much pain, I don't even understand... because I have lost a kindred spirit, and a biological father who I wish I knew how to let go of...

I know it might seem pathetic to have this on AFF, but seeing as I can't tell anyone I am hurt from the passing of my a-class a-hole of a father, and I can't show much grief about Eric's passing since people might think I am in love with him which I am not.

Here is a piece of my heart which is more broken than it usually is.

To Eric Toner, dude, I love you... I wish there is this afterlife, where there is this entity... you know, someone like God, who would tell you all these things of what you could have been... I am so upset I lost you... more so, in the life that you should have lived. Eric... if there is such a thing as a lingering spirit, please know that I appreciated your kindness, sincerely. And I am sorry if I only half-listened to your book. Hey, if there is some cosmic power, can you channel some my way... Tell me Eric, can I be a writer? Huh? You know, like a novellist? Do you think I can really pull off being so dark?

I will miss you, Eric. Thank you for visting me at work when you could, and hanging out with me, and thinking I was cool. I will miss you. I am so sorry you had to go.