time, shadows, leaves

There’s nothing big, nothing out of ordinary like suddenly kneeling down to tied up her shoelaces, nothing heart fluttering like shielding her from the splashes of puddle run over by a car – it’s the opposite. It’s the small things, the small gestures that Junmyeon did.

There’s no… exact moment.

He pushed the water closer to Chorong when they tried out that noodle shop, famous for its red jajangmyeon that turned out was too spicy for her taste. He nudged Jinwoo’s shoulder when he joked too far or too careless, resulting in a disapproval frown on Chorong’s face, and Jinwoo would be his clueless self but at least he stopped talking, giving Junmyeon a chance to change the topic. He gave out his own hot pack when Chorong sneezed, he offered to review her homework, he paid attention to what Chorong said, he always took the outer side when they walked together, holding Chorong’s elbow gently to stop her before they crossed the road, and then his hand would hover behind her, making sure she’s safe.

But those were nothing special either – that’s just who Junmyeon was.

It’s not because Chorong was special.

***

Chorong snapped awake from her daydream, realizing that she’s been staring blankly at her text book – she’s not making any progress since ten minutes ago. It’s dead quiet around her, they’re in the study hall after all. The time’s probably around 10pm now, but with the upcoming KAST, time spent not studying was time wasted.

She shook her head, hoping that it’d bring her concentration back, yet the very next second she’s already propping her chin with her palm, doodling and scribbling on the corner of the page.

Kim Jun—

“Psst!”

Chorong jolted in her seat when Jinwoo poked her upper arm with the of his mechanic pencil. She quickly closed her text book on reflex, turning her head to Jinwoo with blown up pupils, afraid of being discovered. Thankfully Jinwoo didn’t look at her way, showing Chorong a piece of paper instead.

“We’re all going, right?” Jinwoo asked first, excitement dripping from his words even though he tried to keep his voice low. “Joohyun already signed that she’s going.”

“Going, where?” Chorong whispered back, taking the paper from Jinwoo. She read what was written there and remembered the plan some boys made to take holiday together after the exam – to release stress, and to make memories before they would part ways. It seemed those boys – in this case, Minho and Kibum from the class next door – found that planning for their holiday right at this moment was more important than studying.

Some people already signed up for the trip, and Chorong read Joohyun’s name among them with Jinwoo being the last name on the list. There’s no Junmyeon yet since he’s not studying at the study hall with them.

Chorong glanced to the side to look at Joohyun, sitting a little bit far from Chorong and Jinwoo. She had a small smile on her face while looking down to the desk and it piqued Chorong’s curiosity since there’s no way Joohyun would be smiling to a physic equation.

And then she saw it – Minho, who sat beside Joohyun. He, too, was smiling down to his desk, but then he glanced at the girl, stifling his smile, yet his eyes told more than what he let his expression did. They’re full of fondness, like he adored her, like Joohyun was the only one he could see in the whole room.

The tall boy nudged Joohyun’s side lightly, handing her a folded paper in his fingers. Joohyun took it and whatever it was that she read, it made her smile grown wider – a smile Joohyun covered with her fist in a shy gesture.

Chorong torn her gaze away from her best friend – somehow she felt like intruding a private moment. She had never seen Joohyun acted like that so she might be wrong, but she thought that even the dense Jinwoo wouldn’t misinterpret the satisfied look on Minho’s face after he made Joohyun smiled.

Why Joohyun never told her anything? Chorong had asked back, that day in the bathroom after Joohyun asked her. What about you? Do you like someone? Back then, Joohyun had shaken her head quietly, but now when Chorong thought about it once again, she was blushing a little bit.

And to be fair, it’s not like she told Joohyun about Junmyeon either.

Chorong sighed, suddenly feeling worn out just by thinking about Junmyeon and the certain things she felt for him.

She knew that it’s not something that would just go away, it’s not a phase, yet she couldn’t bring herself to hope for something more. Their friendship was too precious for that.

“Yah, what’s the matter? You can’t come?” Jinwoo asked, and Chorong realized just now she still hadn’t written down her name on the attending list.

“Huh? Oh, no, I can,” Chorong mumbled, distracted, but she bent down to write her name below Jinwoo’s. She bit her lips before looking up to Jinwoo. “… I’ll go and ask Junmyeon. I need to, uh, stretch my legs anyway.” Jinwoo raised his eyebrows, giving her a pointed look. “W-What? Um, I mean, do you want anything… from the vending machine?” 

Jinwoo shook his head, but not to answer Chorong’s question – more like he’s shaking his head at her. They never talked about their conversation that day openly and Jinwoo didn’t act different either, but sometimes when Junmyeon did something Jinwoo would take a quick glance at Chorong, either checking for her reaction or waiting for her to do something. Chorong always brushed him off. 

“Sure. Cookies?”

Chorong nodded and stood up, careful in her steps so it wouldn’t be too loud as she walked out from the study hall. The alleys were as expected, empty, the only students left were the third years or some juniors who didn’t attend cram school.

She made a stop at the vending machine, buying Jinwoo’s cookies and a hot coffee for Junmyeon before she climbed the stairs and went to the Journalism Club room. Junmyeon was the school’s magazine Chief Editor last year, but he still came often to the club to give advices or just to hang around his juniors.

Chorong pushed the door’s handle down and peeked inside, her eyes immediately landed on Junmyeon who’s sitting behind a desk – the room was empty except for him. A smile crept up her face when she saw Junmyeon had tied up his fringe up, his image changed from a model student to a babo oppa when he’s sporting that hairstyle.

“… Looking good, Kim,” she teased, walking inside and startling Junmyeon.

“Chorong,” Junmyeon straightened his back, still in daze after Chorong’s sudden intrusion. “What—Oh.” His hand shot up and yanked the rubber band holding his fringe up, cheeks reddening while sputtering under his breath. Junmyeon tousled and raked his hair, trying to flatten them down back after being tied up for so long.

She put the can of coffee in front of Junmyeon and leaned on the desk. “Is that why you study here? You don’t want people to see your apple hair?” Chorong asked, feeling funny seeing this side of Junmyeon. It’s adorable. He’s adorable.

And she’s in a deep .

“Not really,” Junmyeon mumbled, still embarrassed after being caught. “I just… It’s quiet here. And I often worked here before, for the magazine, so maybe… My brain is already comfortable here?” he scrunched up his nose, scratching his cheek. “Is this for me?”

“Yeah. I need to…,” Chorong stared while Junmyeon opened the can and took a sip, his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. She cleared , “… stretch my legs, so I walk around, and…,” she shrugged, looking away. “Ah, I just remembered. Minho and Kibum, they’re listing the people for the holiday. You know, Minho said his uncle had a villa by the beach, and we’ll go after the exam? You’re coming, right?”

Junmyeon furrowed his eyebrows for a while, trying to remember what Chorong talked about. After he did, he looked up to her. “What about you? … I’ll come. If you come.”

The way Junmyeon said it so bluntly like that made Chorong’s throat dry, and she wanted, she wanted things and she wanted Junmyeon, so, so bad – but she had no courage to do anything about it.

 She wondered if Junmyeon knew what he’s doing to her.

Chorong swallowed and tried to smile. “Of course. Joohyun, and Jinwoo too. We…are all going.”

Junmyeon kept his gaze lingered. “… Okay.” Finally he averted his eyes. “Good.”

“… Mmm.”

Suddenly the room felt too big, too empty, too quiet for them, and Chorong shifted in her place. She had no reason to stay there anymore. “Ah… I’ll…”

Junmyeon looked up again, craning his neck and tilting his head to the side so his fringe wouldn’t cover his eyes.

From this angle, he looked even more breathtaking – the pale skin contrasting with his dark hair, his big eyes framed with the long eyelashes, blinking innocently, and Chorong had the urge to trace his high nose with her finger, wanting to feel his skin under her touches.

Friends don’t have that kind of thought. 

“… Why don’t you cut your hair?” Chorong was only half aware of her own voice, still staring at Junmyeon’s features. She wondered whether it would be too weird if she reached out to touch his hair. It looked so smooth and silky.

“I keep on forget to, and I don’t have time,” Junmyeon replied as he pushed his hair back. “And…,” he stopped, hesitating. “Didn’t you say… you like it this way…,” Junmyeon muttered the last part, almost as if he’s not sure himself.

“What? I… said that?” Out loud? To you?

“… Uuhh… yes? I think? But you were half-asleep so maybe you didn’t mean it…”

“No,” she blurted out, unconsciously leaned closer. “I… Yeah, I do. I like it...”

Junmyeon stiffened, staring, and Chorong stopped moving, frozen in her place. Her hand had moved by itself, following her curiosity and touching Junmyeon’s fringe. Although it confirmed her wonders about its silkiness, it certainly didn’t help her just friend excuse.

“S-Sorry, I just—”

Chorong was about to pulled her hand back, confused with her own self, when Junmyeon grabbed her wrist, stopping her from doing so. She looked down to him, even more confused now, and she briefly recognized that look on Junmyeon’s face.

Her stomach twisted and her heart clenched.

Didn’t people say she supposed to feel butterflies and all the sweet things?

But why when Junmyeon looked at her like that, all she could feel was pain?

It made her wanted to cry.

“Chorong-ah, I—”

“Chief!” The door opened right after the shout and a second year entered, carrying a can of coffee. “I brought you cof—Oh.” The boy stopped in his track, staring at Chorong and Junmyeon inside the room. His eyes darted down to Junmyeon’s hand on Chorong’s wrist.

As if Chorong’s skin burned him, Junmyeon let go of her hand in the speed of light.

“Oops,” the boy Chorong knew as Jongdae, the current Chief Editor, smirked. “Sorry, Chief! Don’t know Madam is here!”

“Wha—Yah!”

“Well I’ll just leave now, don’t forget to lock the room, Chief! Have fun!” he wiggled his eyebrows meaningfully at Junmyeon and made a salute at Chorong before he turned his back around and closed the door, ignoring Junmyeon’s shout at his back.

“We’re not—Stop calling me Chief!” still Junmyeon cried desperately.

Chorong blinked, Jongdae’s storm-like appearance made the previous tension gone.

She glanced at Junmyeon who’s fidgeting with his fingers before he reached out to his coffee to give his fingers something to do. “That’s Jongdae, right?” she asked, her lips. “Why… Why did he call me Madam?”

Suddenly Junmyeon was busy cleaning up the papers in the table. “I don’t know, he’s—Joking. He’s joking. Don’t think about it.” He’s all red from the tip of his ears to his neck.

“Huh… Okay. I guess… I’ll go back to the study hall now.”

Junmyeon nodded. “Thanks for the coffee,” he smiled to her, holding the can up, but his smile seemed restrained and he avoided looking directly to her eyes.

It wasn’t until she’s out of the room that Chorong leaned back to the wall, sighing, wondering what just happened between them and whether she’s allowed to hope at all.

***

Three days before the entrance exam – the atmosphere in the classroom was thick with build-up anxiety and pent-up frustration. Even Jinwoo lost his smile, massaging his temple while reading some English essays, occasionally opened his phone to look up for translation. The class was half-empty, some students preferred study by themselves at home.

Chorong had felt dizzy since the moment she woke up this morning, felt itchy too, but she had hoped the pills she took after breakfast was enough to make her feel better. Apparently it’s not, cause now she also felt hot and everything seemed blurry in her eyes. Even Joohyun beside her looked very far away.

“… Chorongie? Are you alright?”

She didn’t realize when she rested her head on the table, but it alarmed Joohyun who had her hand on Chorong’s forehead. 

“Oh my god you’re burning,” her best friend gaped, and Chorong tried to tell her that she’s fine, yet she could only let out some incoherent mumbles. “Junmyeon!” Even when she’s delirious, Chorong’s heart still leapt hearing his name. She’d hate herself if her condition allowed her to think.

Chorong couldn’t see what happened but the next thing she felt was another hand on her forehead, and the presence of someone’s looming over her. She cracked open her eyes – when did she close them? – and saw Junmyeon’s face in front of hers, eyes filled with worries. He looked sad. And upset.

“You have fever. Let’s get you home,” he whispered.

“Mmm... I’m ’kay…”

But Junmyeon had none of it as he already turned to Jinwoo. “Jinwoo, can you call the taxi?”

“Already on it!” Jinwoo said, pointing the phone on his hand. “Ah, yes, hello, I need a taxi now at Cheongdam High School…”

Meanwhile, Joohyun quickly packed Chorong’s books and put them in her bag. “Aigoo, Chorong-ah, shouldn’t come to school if you don’t feel good. Eat a lot and just sleep, alright? Don’t touch the books anymore,” she told her, helping Chorong to put on her coat.

“Exam…,” she mumbled weakly, lifting her arm up for Joohyun to make it easier for her.

“That’s right,” Joohyun started to button up Chorong’s coat, “We have exam, so sleep it off tonight, and be well tomorrow. Understand?”

Chorong nodded like a little child and Joohyun smiled, patting her head.

“The taxi’s here,” Jinwoo said, still clutching his phone.

“Great, I’ll take her home.” Junmyeon was already in his coat too, hoisting his bag over his shoulder. He curled his hand around Chorong’s elbow, helping her to stand in a firm yet gentle grip.

The world spun a little when Chorong stood in her feet, but Junmyeon’s hold on her made her steady. She focused her eyes on Junmyeon’s face and spoke, “Don’t have to… I can… Alone.”

“Listen to Junmyeon, Chorongie,” Joohyun brushed aside Chorong’s fringe from her face. “I’ll call you tonight.”

“Can you walk? Do you want me to carry you?” Junmyeon asked when they’re walking down the stairs to the front yard.

Chorong shook her head although she did lean closer to Junmyeon. Junmyeon smelled good. He always did.

Junmyeon’s hand twitched like he’s hesitating – but then he put his arm around Chorong’s shoulders instead, pulling her closer so he could support her weight, and Chorong ended up resting her head on his shoulder. It’s comfortable and Chorong let herself enjoyed the moment while it last, because she knew Junmyeon was only like this because she’s sick.

And, he would do the same if it’s Joohyun or Jinwoo, not only to her.

They walked like that until they reached the taxi, Junmyeon’s slipping to the back seat next to Chorong and told her address to the taxi driver before he leaned back and looked at her.

“… I told you not to sleep late,” Junmyeon said, voice small, and he’s probably playing with the hem of Chorong’s sleeve. She couldn’t see it, only feeling the little tugs at her sleeve. “And you said you fell asleep before you dry your hair the other night.”

Chorong blinked slowly, movements sluggish and lethargic. Her head pounded and Junmyeon still looked very handsome, it didn’t make sense. There’s a frown on his face, though, Chorong didn’t like it.

She raised a hand and tried to smoother the frown between Junmyeon’s eyebrows with her fingers. It startled him, making him stare with wide eyes at her.  

“Why are you mad at me… Please don’t be mad…” Chorong shivered, feeling cold even though she already wore a sweater under her coat. Seeking warmth, she moved closer to Junmyeon until their thighs pressed to each other. Any other day Chorong would be conscious about it, but not today.

“… You’re unbelievable,” Junmyeon muttered under his breath, letting out a defeated sigh. He took out a red scarf from his bag and put it on Chorong, making sure he covered her ears and nose too. “I’m not mad. I’m worried about you.”

“’emfine.” Junmyeon probably sprayed his cologne on all of his clothing because even his scarf smelled good. Chorong snuggled deeper to the scarf around her neck, trying to memorize the scent. “… Don’t worry.” She decided to snuggle to the owner of the scarf too, because it seemed like a good decision to make. Junmyeon smelled good, Junmyeon was warm, and his shoulder was comfortable. It’s all good.

“… It’s because you’re sick, isn’t it?” Junmyeon’s whispered the question and Chorong’s hazy mind couldn’t determine whether it’s real or a part of her imagination. “You won’t remember this later...”

She closed her eyes, consciousness drifting away. By now, Junmyeon’s voice sounded distant and unreal even though he’s next to her.

“… After the exam. … I’ll definitely tell you after the exam, Chorong-ah…”

There’s a hand, bigger than hers with slightly calloused tips, taking her hand into his and squeezing it gently.

It’s probably her imagination too.

“… Mm. … okay…,” was all she could mutter even though Chorong no longer knew what Junmyeon talked about.

She’s falling asleep to Junmyeon’s scent, Junmyeon’s warmth, Junmyeon’s voice.

Junmyeon, Junmyeon, Junmyeon.

Comments are really, really appreciated. Thank you for reading!