chapter thirty one: xxxi. moving on

My mother and I weren’t the type to cry to each other. Whenever we were mad at each other, we would just ignore each other; when we were sad, we just pretended we weren’t. The only emotion we shared with each other was our joy and excitement. So it was a surprise when I had decided to stay with Namjoon and her, not leaving for the second semester, she told me to go, tears in her eyes.

“You’re an adult now, Jooeun. You’ve got your own life to live. We can’t hold you back forever, you know. We’ll be fine, just believe in us for a while.”

Then she’d given me a hug, told me to go pack my suitcase, and that she loved me. Something she rarely did, especially after my dad had passed away. We’d held each other and cried for a while. Then, I’d done what she’d told me and packed my suitcase. So here I was on the plane musing about everything that had happened, counting down the minutes until I could see my boys again.

It was funny how I had started referring to them as ‘my boys.’ They weren’t, really, but at the same time, they were.

We had literally ten minutes until the plane landed, and I was feeling slightly antsy. I hadn’t told them that I was coming back, so I would have to surprise them at the dorms. I hadn’t told them that I had decided to come back at all; I had left that to their imagination.

“The plane will be landing in ten minutes; please put your seatbelts on for the landing!”

With the act of getting on the plane, leaving Canada, I was essentially leaving my father behind as well. Not exactly; maybe the more exact terms were that I was leaving some of my burden behind. The burden that had been shoved onto my shoulders from his death that no one else had wanted to take. I was finally free to leave it by his grave (which I had visited) and to move on from it. It would still be a part of me, somewhere deep down, but it was definitely less, and lighter.

I think that was what Minseok’s mother had helped me to do. She had helped me move on, and to leave it-or, at least, some of it-behind. By telling her everything, I had been able to organize my thoughts, and I felt a lot lighter and more at peace.

The plane landed, causing me to lightly grip the arms of my seat. Then, the announcement telling us that we had safely landed and that we could leave came. I got my messenger bag and exited the plane. Then, I went to the luggage conveyer belt and easily identified my suitcase and got it. As I got closer to the front of the airport-where people waited for other people-I heard screaming. I rolled my eyes, thinking that a celebrity must have been at the airport. A part of me was slightly curious, and my footsteps hurried.

When I turned the corner, I saw a man crowded with screaming girls with phones aimed at him. He looked over to me, and it seemed like he recognized me. He didn’t seem like anyone I knew… I blinked, unable to believe my eyes when he started to walk over to me, waving.

As soon as he took off his sunglasses (causing even more screaming), I recognized him.

“You’re… you’re… YOU’RE BANG YONGGUK!” I was a B.A.P. fan. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t recognized him.

He smiled sheepishly, before speaking: “You’re Namjoon’s sister, Jooeun, right? He asked me to drive you to your dorm.”

“Holy sh*t, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to hate him or love him.”

He laughed, before gesturing with his head to follow him. I followed him meekly, his fangirls glaring at me. He made sure to keep them at bay, before giving me his sunglasses, probably an attempt at keeping my face hidden so that sasaengs wouldn’t chase me down. A bit late, but the effort was much appreciated.

We quickly got to his car, and luckily the fans were respectful enough to watch us from a meter distance and not try to get in the car themselves or anything. “Don’t misunderstand, BABYz, this is a favour for a friend,” Yongguk spoke, smiling at them.

“Okay!” they chorused, seemingly wanting to agree with his every word.

He put my suitcase into the trunk, and we both got into the car. When he started driving, I eased up enough to even wave back at the fans.

After we got further away from them, causing the screaming to fade away, I finally spoke. “So… why are you doing this? I mean, I am your huge fan and really really love your music, and it’s an honour to meet you, but it’s kind of out of the blue…”

He chuckled. “Well, Namjoon told you that BTS and B.A.P. is doing a collab, right? Well… I got to know both of them quite well while writing the songs together, and somewhere along that, Namjoon did a huge favour for me. He asked me to pick you up and make sure that you were okay, so I’m just doing him a small favour to pay him back. It doesn’t pay back anywhere close to all of it, but it’s a step.”

“What did oppa do for you?” I was genuinely curious.

He paused, his face scrunching up in pain. “Well… he… he saved Himchan’s life.”

I paused, shocked.

“It’s a long story. Maybe he’ll tell you about it one day.”

I stayed silent, before speaking. “I… Namjoon is so explosive… I don’t know how to phrase it in any other way than that. When he’s upset, he often blows up and hurts the other people around him in the process. When he gets angry, the only person who can calm him down is Su oppa or me. But at the same time, when he’s happy, it’s hard not to be infected by it. And when he loves someone, d*mn, you’d be blessed to be loved by him. But then again, he’s really selective in whom he chooses to love.

“After… I’m not sure if he told you, but-”

“He told me,” Yongguk adds gently as the car comes to a stop at the red light.

“Well… after that, he got more explosive in the bad way and less in the good way. Su oppa and I were two of the main victims of this, being around him the most. He’s gotten a lot better these days, and I’m glad he was able to help someone in the way that I’m assuming he did, since you know what happened to my appa.”

The light turned green, and Yongguk pushed the gas pedal, and the car started moving again. “You’re probably right on that assumption, but I won’t go into detail about it because I feel like it’s Himchan’s privacy that I’d be invading if I told you.”

“I respect that,” I replied. “I get it, I totally get it.”

We were getting closer to my school. “I’m not sure if I should tell you this, but your oppa told me that he was very worried about you. He felt really awful for not being a good oppa to you and for putting so much pressure on you. I don’t completely understand your situation, but it seems like you acted as the main caretaker for both your oppa and your umonim? Well, he felt really bad for that, saying that you deserved so much better than that and that you were too young to go through all that. You are really young, and I can tell from your eyes that you’ve been through a lot, but despite all that, grew up really well.”

He paused for a second, before stopping the car. I looked out to see that we had arrived in front of my school. He got out, taking my suitcase from the trunk. “I just thought you should know. Give him a call to tell him you arrived safely. He cares about you a lot.”

I smiled at that. “I know. Thank you.”

We bid our farewells, before I paused, remembering something crucial. “Wait, can I have your autograph?”

He winked at me, before speaking. “Next time we meet.” With that, he drove away and I was left staring at the space he and his car had once been. I stared wistfully at the empty space, my mind a tangle of thoughts.

Shaking myself slightly, I my heel and rolled my suitcase towards the guard, smiling at him. “It’s nice to see you again.”

He smiled back at me. “Likewise.” I showed him my ID card and he let me in.

Before entering the dorm building, I took my phone out and changed it out of roaming. Then, I decided to call my brother. Squatting against the wall of the dorm building, I put the phone to my ear after dialing the number.

“Joo?”

I smiled after hearing his pet name for me. “Hi oppa.”

“You arrived safely?” he asked, the tension audibly slipping out of his voice.

“Yeah, I did, don’t worry about it. I met Yongguk oppa too.”

“He drove you back to the school?”

I smiled. “Yeah, he did. Thanks for asking him to do that, oppa.”

“It’s nothing. That’s the least I could do for you.” There was a bit of contempt in his voice-not for me, but for himself.

“Oppa? I’m really grateful for you. You’ve always been here for me throughout everything, and I’m really really grateful and thankful. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you. I don’t know if I’d be the person I am today without you. So thank you so much.”

I could hear his intake of breath, and his end was silent for a while. I could only imagine that he had muted himself so that I wouldn’t hear his sobs.

“I know you think that it’s your fault that I had so much on my shoulders, and to be completely honest, maybe it is. It is a bit of your fault, as well as umma’s. But that weight on my shoulders helped me become the amazing person that I am today. Without it, I’d probably be a shallow or something. So thank you. What matters now isn’t the past but the present and the future. Instead of blaming yourself for what happened, think about what you can do to make sure it doesn’t happen in the future, and what to do from now on. That’s my mindset, anyway.

“So… what I’m trying to say is to stop ing blaming yourself, okay? Please just continue being the amazing oppa you are to me. Also, sorry for punching you. Before I start crying, I’m going to hang up, okay? Goodbye, oppa. Take care of yourself, and of Su oppa. Take care of him too. He’s not invincible either. Okay bye.”

I hung up, knowing that he wouldn’t say anything to me if he was crying. He would probably just send a really really long text message later on. Taking a deep breath-no tears in my eyes, surprisingly-I got up from my squatting position and got my suitcase.

Then, I went into the building, rolling the suitcase. Groaning, I started lugging my suitcase up the stairs. Somewhere inbetween the first floor and the second floor, I heard a voice from above me.

“Need a hand?”

I looked up in surprise, a smile bursting from my lips as a sense of déjà vu flooded my mind. He, likewise, had a giant smile on his stupid face. His stupid, lovely face.

“Sure,” I replied, putting my suitcase down.

My brain was still a tangle of too many thoughts, but there was one thing I knew amidst all these thoughts: everything was going to be okay.

A/N: And so Envy of Serenity comes a full circle!! But don't worry-there's still an epilogue left. From chapter one-moving in-to chapter thirty one-moving on; beginning and ending quite similarly-it was really an amazing experience to write.

I hope everyone who's been reading with me up til this moment has enjoyed my cringey writing... thank you for staying with me until now.

~Jinny out