chapter twenty four: xxiv. christmas celebration pt. 3

I woke up with someone’s face centimetres from mine, my own head using his arm as a pillow, our legs interlocked and his other arm s around my waist. My own arms were gathered close to my chest.

I remembered all that happened yesterday, and a shudder went through my body. He was woken by it, eyes opening slowly because of it.

“Merry Christmas,” he whispered.

Some Christmas.

I took a shaky breath, before giving him a wobbly smile. “Merry Christmas,” I whispered back.

His eyes were full of pity. Most people thought of pity as a bad thing, but in reality they just didn’t know what it meant.

Pity meant feeling sympathy and sorrow for someone’s misfortunes. It meant understanding the suffering of others, and wanting to do something about it. The verb, to pity, meant to share the suffering of. The act of empathy, the act of sympathy.

Pity was a humane thing; a good thing.

I rubbed my eyes, feeling how tired and puffy they were. After you cry for a long time, you feel exhausted, not only because of the act of crying and the emotional stress of the act, but because your eyelids-the barrier between tears hitting reality-were broken through. After you cry for a long time, every single blink feels heavily weighted, further reminding you of the past pains and memories that caused you to cry.

“I probably look like I ate ramen right before I went to sleep,” I mumbled, talking about how bloated my face was.

“Either way, you’re as beautiful as ever,” Kyungsoo said, watching me with a sheer look of adoration.

I got up, yawning. I was good at pretending I was okay. I knew that sometimes, pretending to be okay was a bad thing, but sometimes, you just had to smile and carry on. You couldn’t just mope all day everyday. You had to make the effort to get better, or you wouldn’t.

He got up from the bed too, yawning seconds after watching me yawn. After all, yawns were contagious. He smiled sheepishly as he stretched, running a hand through his hair. I found the brush that I always used when I came here by the nightstand next to the bed, and I brushed my hair. I could hear the faint sound of people talking, and could smell food.

“Breakfast~” I sang, flashing a short smile.

I got up from the bed, and thankfully, my legs didn’t give way under me. But they still wobbled as I took a step. Kyungsoo, noticing this, quickly got up and went to my side. “No! It’s okay,” I snapped, before sighing as I saw his flinch. “I’m sorry… just… I don’t want to seem weak. I can walk on my own, please.”

Rather than a persuasion, it was a request.

I could see him considering a lot of things, before he nodded. “Can I at least hold your hand?”

I paused, before nodding. He held out his hand, and I took it, and we walked to the dining area, where we heard people shouting. I rushed into the dining area to see my brother chugging on some soju, Yoongi trying to take the bottle away from him and Sukjin helping him.

“NO!” he slurred. “Give it to me! I NEED IT!”

I rushed over to him, letting go of Kyungsoo’s hand, before socking my brother in the jaw. “Get a ing grip. You can’t start drinking again, you selfish bastard. What about mum? What about mum? How will she deal with this when we tell her? You can’t start drinking again, you can’t start drinking again!” I screamed, breathing hard and ignoring the pain that went up my arm from the punch.

He dropped the bottle and it shattered on the ground. He touched his chin gingerly, rubbing it. “What the , Joo?”

I glared at him, eyes filling in rage. “Don’t you ing disgrace our father’s name by drinking.”

Jungkook hurried to my side, pulling me away from my brother. I wriggled out of his grip. “Let me go, Cee!”

He reluctantly let go of me, shooting arrows at me with his eyes. I’m watching you.

“Su, when is he to go back?”

“Well um… Jooeun, about that… we cancelled the return flight because we wanted him to stay with me a little longer…” muttered Yoongi nervously.

“Re-book it!” I said sharply, before I lost composure and broke down. “I-I’m sorry, oppa… it’s just… you understand, right? In Korea there’s soju and maekju everywhere he’s going to be drinking 24/7. I’ll tell umma to put him under house arrest, and she’ll make sure he won’t drink. We won’t tell her anything until he gets better, and if her reaction is bad I’ll just… I’ll go to Canada, I guess.”

“I’ll go with him,” spoke Yoongi. “I’ll go with him to Canada, and I’ll make sure he stops drinking. And I’ll help take care of umoni, too. I promise.”

“Thank you. Thank you so much, oppa.”

I wiped my eyes with Jungkook’s sleeve angrily, turning to my brother. “You heard that, oppa? You’re going to stop drinking, okay? You’re going to make an effort. You go back to that boxing place, and you box. You box out everything, and then you come home and take care of umma. Su’s going to help you, okay? He’s going with you. You’re going to be together. Su oppa’s going to help you, oppa, and… everything’s going to be okay. You got that?”

He stared at me with hazy eyes.

I chuckled sardonically. “You call yourself a boxer? You can’t even block my pathetic punch.”

Jungkook laughed. “Hey, your punches are not pathetic. They hurt like hell.”

I cracked a smile at him, and he held out his arms. I hugged him tightly.

“Merry Christmas, everyone,” said Baekhyun, watching everything from the doorway of the kitchen, a glass of milk in his hands.

I looked around, doing a headcount of my boys. Everyone was awake, though some had bleary eyes. Some had probably awoken from all of the commotion.

“BTS,” I called. They turned to face me. “My gift to you is this.”

I held out a USB stick. “There are ten songs in here that I wrote. I asked six of the boys to help me with the guide for them… so yeah. I have separate files with the lyrics too, and I have an English version of the lyrics too, but no guide for them. What I’m trying to say is that… I wrote ten songs for all seven of us to sing. An album full. You don’t have to use all of the songs, in which case, tell me which ones you’re not going to use so that I can use them later. And um… yeah. That’s my Christmas gift to you all. And, Jay, I guess. But he’s not here right now.”

(A/N: Not to be mixed up with Jay Park. Jay in here is what Jooeun calls J-Hope, or what she used to call him when they were friends, and when they were dating.)

I passed it to Jungkook, who was closest to me.

“The songs are really good,” Kyungsoo piped in. “I sang Taehyung hyung’s part.”

“I sang Jimin hyung’s part,” said Baekhyun.

“I sang Jungkook’s part,” Jongdae added.

“Um… yeah I rapped Namjoon hyung’s part,” said Kris, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. “But only because I can speak English.”

“I got Yoongi hyung’s part,” said Chanyeol.

“And yeah I got Hoseok hyung’s part,” pitched in Tao. “I’m sorry, my pronunciation isn’t perfect, especially with the rap being so fast, but I tried. Jooeun said she chose me because my rapping style was the most dynamic, similar to Hoseok hyung’s?”

I nodded. “You guys both have that habit of adding weird high notes in your rapping… Anyway, after we finish eating here, let’s… go to the school,” I suggested.

After we finished eating, we bid our farewells to BTS.

I punched Namjoon on the shoulder lightly, a sad, melancholic smile on my face. “Stay sober, oppa,” I said softly.

I hugged Jungkook tightly, gave Yoongi a fist bump (how the two of us bid farewell), smiled at Jimin and Taehyung, giving them a slight nod, and turned to leave. The guys all muttered their goodbyes, some giving man hugs or handshakes, and we finally left.

“Um… yeah, my present to you guys is a mix of a gift from all of you guys. The only thing is, you thought that you were the only people helping in the gift for all of you, when in reality every single one of you helped.”

Realization dawned on their faces.

“Is this about the three songs you asked me to write for everyone?” Lay asked, confused.

“You asked me to write three songs for you too!” Chanyeol burst out.

“You asked me to choreograph for a song…” trailed off Kai.

“Same,” Sehun added.

“You said that you needed me to sing the guide for a song for all of us…” Kyungsoo piped in.

Jongdae nodded. “Me too.”

“Is this what you asked me to rap for?” Tao asked.

“Yeah, you asked me that too,” said Kris.

“So you made it seem like you were asking only one of us, and therefore we had to keep it a secret from everyone else… but in reality you asked for little bits from everyone. Smart,” praised Luhan, grinning.

“Here, follow me,” I said, leading everyone to my room. I pulled my laptop out, perching it on the desk and playing the first video.

“Hey, this is one of my songs!” announced Chanyeol, grinning.

With it was Baekhyun’s singing, and the video played a video of twelve Kai’s dancing to the song. Twelve takes from the same angle, of Kai dancing the different parts all mixed together to make one video. Eventually, Tao’s rapping kicked in, and he couldn’t help but grin proudly with it.

I smiled shyly. “Um… so there are ten songs, because I wrote four songs. I wrote a lot when I was in the hospital,” I grinned sheepishly. “Lay oppa and Chanyeol oppa wrote three songs each. Kai and Sehun each choreographed three songs each, because the other four songs aren’t dance songs. Junmyeon oppa, Kyungsoo oppa, Baekhyun oppa, Luhan oppa and Jongdae oppa all sang for two songs each. Tao, Kris oppa and Minseok oppa rapped for three songs each, sorry, the last song has no rapping. And yeah.”

“Call me Lulu!” Luhan whined. “I like your nickname for me.”

“Okay, Lulu oppa.” I grinned, glad for this little distraction in which I could try to forget the past day’s events. “Merry Christmas, everyone. You guys have a full album ready, the twelve parts for each song is already divided, I asked that of Lay oppa and Chanyeol oppa specifically, and you have dances for all twelve members too. I told Kkamjong and Hoon that.”

“But… what about you?” Junmyeon asked quietly. “Why are there only twelve parts? What about you?”

I looked away. “Well… when you guys release the album, which will probably be after high school… well… I’ll probably go back to Canada. I can feature in some of your songs, sure, but… I don’t think I’ll be able to be in your group, if you do choose to stay as a group like some of you are considering.”

“Because home is where family is?” Junmyeon parroted my words back to me.

I nodded. “My umma needs me. And you guys saw my oppa… he needs me too. Until he and Su oppa start living together, that is. Oppa will be driven insane if he continues living with umma. I’m the only one who can cope with it. Therapists won’t help; they haven’t been helping for a while. In Canada there is no one who she can communicate with either, but she can’t bear to stay away from appa for long periods of times. Especially with oceans separating her. If she is in a driving distance, she’s usually fine for awhile, but if there’s an ocean separating her and his grave… then she goes really insane.”

“Jooeun-ah? My… my umma is a pretty well known therapist,” said Minseok. “She’s really quiet, and is good at listening to people. Her sister lives in Canada. Maybe… maybe when she goes to visit sometime next year, I can ask her to meet up with your umoni?”

Relief flooded into my face. “That would… that would do wonders. Thank you, oppa, thank you so much.”

“So… you’re not going to be in the songs with us?” Tao asked, an unreadable expression on his face.

“Well… maybe I can do the intro parts, Chanyeol oppa added ‘E-X-O’ in most of the raps and I could do that.” I smiled sheepishly. “But guys, think about it like this. I’m your Tree of Life. I’m not an alien or a superhero. I’m a tree. A perfectly normal tree. All I do is give you energy. While you guys get famous for being superheroes and stuff, I don’t get the credit. I just silently give you my energy from behind the scenes. That’s what I’ll do. And I’ll support you no matter what you do, unless of course, you decide to all join the Mafia or something, in which case I don’t know you anymore,” I joked, before changing my tone to a serious one. “I will support you guys and no matter what keep in touch with you. I will try my absolute best to stay as close as we are now, if not closer, and not drift apart.”

I had had too many relationships drift apart… as everyone had, of course. But I hated it and each time it happened, made me try even harder to maintain the relationship each time I made close friends with someone after that. Friendships, and all relationships, really, were like if you were on a boat in the middle of the ocean. If you did not row forward, then the waves would push you back, even on a nice day. You had to make an effort. But in the end, it was a two way street. Both sides needed to be making an effort.

“So… I don’t know about you but can we start learning the songs?” asked Baekhyun.

I nodded, smiling. “I’ll send you all the guides through the group chat.” I took out my phone, adding the files to the KakaoTalk group chat.

“But… Joo Joo…” Tao looked at me, seeming as if his eyes were burning into my own.

He got up from kneeling on the floor and grabbed my hand, pulling me out of my room. I began to protest as he shut the door behind me but he shot me a look that shut me up right away. He turned me around, pinning me against the wall with his two hands on either side of my head, trapping me. I looked up at him, gulping. His gaze shot straight into my eyes, and I found that I couldn’t move or say anything. He let out another sigh, before pulling me into a hug, resting his chin at the top of my head.

I let out a little squeak of surprise, before easing up in his embrace, smelling him in and feeling a wave of comfort crash into me.

“You… you don’t have to pretend to be okay, you know,” he whispered. “No one expects it, and no one’s encouraging it.”

I shuddered, closing my eyes firmly. No, there were no more tears-I was past that. But that didn’t stop the weight of dread sink onto my shoulders. I pressed my face into his neck, breathing him in and easing up. I brought my arms around him and squeezed tightly, before pulling away.

“I think… I think I’ll be okay.”

A/N: MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!! Well, Christmas Eve for me, even if it might be Christmas for you. If so, Merry Christmas!! :)

Hope you enjoyed this chapter, ughhh okay I promise after this there'll be less angst. Well, actually, I can't promsie that. Hahahah I'm evil ;)

Hope you guys enjoy your time together with whoever, or you know, just with yoru laptop or something :P Anyway, don't forget to tell the people who you love that you love them. What other time to remind them?

(There's another update tomorrow... and then there won't be one in a while...)

Oh, and also if any of you are BTS fans and want a good BTS x OC fic that will make you cry, here. It's called the Great Reclamation and is very underrated... The author's just really really good and I would definitely recommend reading it if you want to cry lmaoo

~Jinny out