CHAPTER 4: 

"Gentlemen, I have to go in a bit." Kris says, looking at his watch. "I have an early day.. er.. later." He slides off his seat and stands up, stretching his long arms and tries to stifle a yawn. 

Luhan glances at his own watch. Oh. 12:17am. He smiles at Kris, "Ok. I guess we'll be heading off too in a bit." 

"I'll take you home, Lu ge." Sehun says, a small smile playing on his lips as he takes a small sip from his glass of water. Luhan almost blushes. 

"Well," Kris looks at the two of them with mild amusement. "You two do whatever you want." He fixes his eyes on Luhan, "Lu, don't forget the Beijing special, ok? Get your skinny moving. Bring Sehun with you, or something." and winks. He slithers off before Luhan even protest at his last words. 

Warning bells start ringing in his head.. Luhan clutches the edge of the table, contemplating on following Kris. 

"Ah, Beijing?" Sehun looks interested. "I haven't been there in ages." 

Luhan lets go of his grip on the table and drops his eyes to his tea cup. He gulps, "Me too." 

"When are you going?" 

"This weekend, most likely." 

"Too bad." 

"Eh?" He spares Sehun a glance, an eyebrow raised. 

"I've got family stuff. It would have been nice to go around the city. See what's changed." the younger man shrugs. 

"Ah," Luhan manages to say, "Maybe next time, then." Not that he's asked. 

"How long will you be there?" 

"Maybe four days or so.." His voice trails off. 

"Plan on seeing your dad?" the other casually asks. 

Luhan sighs as he slouches in his seat and fiddles with the napkin holder in front of him. He avoids Sehun's eyes. "I don't know if I'd be allowed to step in the house. I~"

Warm hands enclose around his trembling ones. Luhan almost flinches at the touch. But he doesn't take his hands away. 

"What happened Lu?" 

Luhan bites his bottom lip and lifts his gaze. "Nothing." He takes a deep breath, "Nothing.."  

"Lu," the younger man pleads, hands tightening around his.. the warmth tempting to draw the words out from him. "It's me... Remember? Please."

Exactly. It's him. That's why he can't.

"Sehun.." he finally says, as he slowly untangles his hands from the younger man's. "I'm sorry, I.. take me home, please." 

*

Shanghai, 2008. 

"Lu.. It's me." He hears Yifan's voice. "Lu, are you ok?" A warm hand pats his cheek. 

Luhan gingerly opens his eyes, and the room spins. "Oh god, Yifan. Why is the room wooobbly." He grips the arm rest of the chair he's slumped into. "I want to go home." 

"You are drunk as hell. What did that Jongin do?" He tries to focus on Yifan's pacing figure. His friend is running a hand through his hair, a scowl on his face. They were in an empty VIP room on the second floor of a club. "I almost started flipping tables downstairs, looking for you. You weren't answering your phone." 

"It's not with me.." He croaks. "I was looking for it.. to call Sehun.. you.. I couldn't find it." 

"Luhan.." Yifan sits on the lowered stainless steel table in front of him. "What happened?" 

He touches his wrists.. they hurt. His mind swims in the past hour's events. Hot lips. Biting teeth. Pushing. A threat to tell on him. That he likes.. he.. 

Luhans blinks. He can taste blood swirling in his mouth. 

"Jongin told me his sister wanted to hang out.. talk, y'know..." 

"And?" 

"She wasn't here.. we drank a few shots.. I don't know what he gave me.. he.. Jongin tried to.." 

Yifan's gaze lands on his bruised lips. "NO. FREAKIN WAY." he suddenly stands up, hands clenched into tight fists. "That fu... I should have known... he was~" 

Luhan reaches out to his friend. "Fanfan.. don't.." 

Yifan stops his shouting and looks at him. 

"I think.. I like.. I.." 

His friend stays quiet, waiting for him to finish his thoughts.  

"I wanted to see.. if.." he feels heat creep up his face but continues anyway, "If kissing him would make me forget about Sehun."  

Yifan stares at him wide-eyed for a few seconds. Luhan holds his breath, expecting his friend to bolt out of the room; but he does the exact opposite. 

"C'mere you idiot." 

Yifan pulls him into his arms and hugs him. He hears Yifan mumbles "Sorry." and something about not getting snot on his new shirt. 

He nods and let's Yifan hold him. His eyes are hot with unshed tears.. but he doesn't cry. Real men don't cry.  

*

Luhan stares into the darkness, tucked in underneath layers of cotton sheets and wool blankets - a few of them he'd stolen from Yixing's room the other day. It's 1:25am and he has not slept a wink. 

His phone lights up, illuminating the room. He grabs his phone from his bedsite table and swipes the screen with a thumb to unlock it. 

SEHUN: lu.. u up? 

SEHUN: im sorry if i said something wrong earlier..

He pauses at the younger man's message. Then answers. 

LUHAN: im up. no, it's ok. i should be the one saying sorry. 

He pauses and adds. 

LUHAN: i have issues. 

It only takes a couple of seconds for Sehun to respond. 

SEHUN: everyone does. no one's exempted from life. 

Luhan smiles. Sage words from the brat. 

LUHAN: really? 

SEHUN: yes. no one. well, except maybe goldfish? i sometimes envy goldfish. 

LUHAN: goldfish? :O

SEHUN: or just animals in general. 

LUHAN: pls do expound, dear sir. 

SEHUN: they don't have free will. or imagination. 

LUHAN: how do you know? don't judge the poor things. 

SEHUN: haha. i'm not. i mean animals simply allow biology to dictate their actions. 

LUHAN: well, that's deep. 

SEHUN: exactly. 

Luhan laughs at the younger man's last response. He wonders what Sehun meant by biology.

LUHAN: pls share more, oh great one. do you mean nature vs nurture? 

It takes the younger guy a little bit longer to respond this time. 

SEHUN: it's like a simplified life cycle, ge. one is born.. grows up, mates (to procreate), then passes. 

LUHAN: how is that any different from us humans. 

SEHUN: having a sense of purpose. the in betweens. and society. 

LUHAN: meaning? 

SEHUN: we can choose. 

He meeps. What about choice? 

LUHAN: choose what? 

SEHUN: choose love, over biology. over other's expectations. 

Luhan feels his heart stop. He screams into his pillow.. almost dropping his phone in the process. He wants to punch something. Anything.. to release the tightness grabbing hold of his insides. He contemplates on doing push ups on the floor instead.  

His phone beeps. 

SEHUN: can i call you? 

He takes small even breaths. It's not like he can sleep much anyway. 

LUHAN: ok. 

He doesn't move from his bed for the next 5 seconds, back stiff in anticipation. His phones rings and it takes every ounce of available self-control within him to not answer right away. 

He settles for five rings. "Hey." 

"Hey, Lu.." Sehun whispers, voice deeper than the last he heard him. His heart clenches at how the younger one says his name.

There it is again. The sensation of falling.. of his walls crumbling. 

"Can't sleep?" Like they haven't been exchanging texts earlier. He mentally face palms. 

But Sehun doesn't seem to notice, "Yeah.. I... I have a bit of free time tomorrow.." 

Luhan sits up from his bed, cross-legged, heart suddenly racing. He grabs a pillow, hugging it as he waits.  

"Want to hang out?" the younger man pauses right after, as if holding his breath. 

"Um.. sure." 

"I'll pick you up. After lunch, like 3pm maybe?" 

"Ok.." 

"Dress casually." Sehun says. "Oh, and... I hope you don't mind company." he quickly adds. 

Luhan feels his heart drop at the word "company", but he forces a smile and responds. "Of course not! It's not like we're going on a date or anything." 

As soon as he utters those last few words, he covers his mouth with a hand. Oh, . He burrows his head into his pillow again, phone still on one ear. . . . 

But Sehun chuckles, "What ever you say, ge."   

Luhan gawkes at his phone as the other hangs up. He dives underneath the pile of blankets and pillows and groans as he tries to settle into a comfortable position. 

He's gonna need all the sleep he can get... He's not sure what he has just gotten himself into. 

*** *** *** 

A/N: what did i just write? lollll... Jongin is a nice boy irl, i swear.. hohoho. this is more like a transition chap, more than anything.. contemplating on a sehun-perspective. thoughts? anyhooo~ *waves to readers* good day, everyone! -- nothingness01 ^^