It had been your seventeenth birthday; we went out to celebrate together with our friends at a nearby norebang. Do you remember? Because I do, I can still remember the smile on your face when you opened the present I gave you. I know you always wanted a camera, but you could never afford one. So I bought it for you. Do you remember that you spent that whole night taking photos? I do, because all those photos flew up in the air when that car appeared, before they steadily fell down together with the snow towards the ground, as they blended together with my blood – our blood.

That’s the last thing I saw, our picture when you smiled so happily.

When I look at you today, that happy smile and glistering eyes have been replaced by a gloomy looking face. You haven’t smiled once since I left. You haven’t laughed for a year.

How I wanted to envelope you in my embrace and never let go. But I can’t. I shouldn’t even be here; I don’t belong in this world anymore. But I can’t leave you, unless I see your happy and smiling self again. I need you to let go of me. You need to move on.

As of now, I’ve only watched you from afar, on a safe distance so that you wouldn’t see me, because if you did. Then I would only cause you more pain, yet again. But it has been one year already, and you need to let go and live on with life.

I can’t make the accident un-done, I’m sorry.

~~

I stepped out from my hiding spot in the closet and made my way towards your sleeping self. How I wished to see you smile again, to comfort you and to be able to kiss your delicate lips. I regret that I never took the opportunity to never do that, that I never kissed you, and showed you how much you truly meant – mean to me.

Carefully I sat down, so that I wouldn’t wake you, before I noticed how unsteady your breathing was, a nightmare again. I reached out my hand to caress your cheek. Luckily I was still strong enough so that I weren’t invisible and that my touch would go right through her. But it was just a matter of time before I would get weaker, and then slowly fade away. It was just days left. You got exactly one year to comfort and tell the ones you love a final goodbye.

I know, it has taken me almost a year. But every time I look at her; Eun Na. My heart hurts. I wished I had listened to her when she told me to not cross the road. But I was in a hurry, I dragged her along. And I regret it.

I regret that I’ve caused her so much pain, that I’m still hurting her.

Her body shifted under my hand and in a split second her eyes shoot open, she saw me. Her eyes double-sized as she back away as her body tensed, her eyes showed pure fear. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing escaped. Numbly I could only look at her. Waiting for her to do something, scream, smile, laugh.

But she did none of them.

“N-Noori?” her voice was unsteady, low and full with carefulness, as if she thought I would disappear. But I wouldn’t, not until she was happy again. I hadn’t spoken for almost a year, so my voice was rather vague and inaudible. I replied her with a faint yes and a nod with my head, just in case she didn’t hear what I said.

The tenseness in her body slowly faded away, and so did hear fear. Just by looking at her, I couldn’t deny that I felt even sorrier. “I’m sorry” my eyes were pierced into hers as I said those two words.

She reached out a hand, just like I had done just minutes ago. The shock that showed itself in her eyes when she gently traced her finger along my cheek was something that made me a bit amused. I guess she must have the same thoughts as I had when I understood that I could actually touch people, even though I’d already passed away.

“Amazing huh” I smiled slightly as I took a hold of her hand and squeezed it slightly, before I caressed the back of it with my thumb. She only stared at me, slowly inching upwards, into a small, almost insignificant smile. But she suddenly stopped and withdrew her hand from mine and backed further away, again. “Y-you are d-dead, I-I saw it” she stuttered and that fear in her eyes returned again.

“I know”

It took several minutes of silence and intense staring from her side, before she even said something more. “But you are here, I can see you, I-I can touch you” her voice broke at the end as tears slid down her cheeks. Pain struck my heart yet again.

“I’m here for a reason, I…” I couldn’t take it; I couldn’t end the whole sentence. I didn’t want to leave her again. Not when I’ve stepped into her life again. I turned my head around so that I wouldn’t have to look straight at her as I finished off with the last words, and thus completing the sentence.

“No” her voice had taken a more distinct and determined tone, which caused me to look at her again. She had scooted her body closer to mine, she wasn’t afraid anymore. “You can’t leave” she gripped my arm and squeezed. The pain that erupted was nothing in compare to the pain I felt in my heart.

She let go off my arm and carefully wrapped her arms around my waist, thus bringing her body into my embrace. I hugged her back, despite that I knew that what I was doing where wrong. We sat like that for a long time, and by each passing minute I could feel how her body started to relax more and more. She was falling asleep again.

After that she had fully fallen asleep I let her back sink down onto the bed, as I pulled the covers over her and then planted a light kiss on her forehead.

"Goodnight"