Title: 왜
Pairing: Jongin / Kyungsoo.
Rating: Mature (Currently PG-13)
Length: 3 chapters (Prologue/3)

Chapter 1

Jongin sat on the chair on the left, eyes jumping around as he observed the neatness of the room. It was spacious, with natural light coming in through the large window on the feature wall,and oak bookshelves stood on either side in which every book was set in order of size throughout. He leaned back, stretching his legs out wide in front of him and rubbed his thumb lightly across his bottom lip.

The man seated opposite him had his eyes set on Jongin's face, eyebrows scrunched in thought. He leant forwards and picked up a black notebook from the clear glass table between them with one hand and a black pen with the other. At first glance he appeared to be a very stern man in perhaps his mid-thirties,bald and with a poorly ironed blue button-up on, lips tightly pressed lips and deep set wrinkles on his forehead.

'A journal?' Jongin questioned, his eyes still reluctant to look at the psychiatrist but instead fixed on a spot on the wall behind the mans head. In reaction to Jongin's question the man pushed forward slightly further to push the black note book over to Jongin's side of the table, still peering at Jongin's face.

'I think with all you said about the thoughts you have been having, conveying these and anything else on paper could be some source of a outlet for you'

Jongin's eyes left the spot on the wall and darted around the room again. A frown growing on his face as his hand dropped from his bottom lip and held to the arm of the chair.

'You want me to write down my inner demons for you too see' Jongin stated, His jaw now tightening.

'No we won't read it. Not if you don't want us to. And it doesn't have to be about your demons, it can be about anything you want to write about'

Jongin's eyes now focused on the book placed on the table. It was clearly new, unread and unused and was almost in perfect condition. Jongin's frown deepened as he contemplated his decision. A moment later and without a word, Jongin sat up straight and grabbed the book, placing it on his lap.

~

Wednesday 23rd February 2011

I got put in a mental hospital today. It's funny that I was put here to feel normal again because I have never felt as crazy in my life while in here. They told me I have OCD. Guess the common conceptions was lies cause I never had a thing for cleaning.

~

Jongin had his back pressed against the mattress of the bed. Eyes glazed over as he stared at the ceiling. His big blue suitcase on the floor next to him, opened, clothes remaining inside and wardrobes still empty. The spring was fully here and it was coming the end of March, a light breeze flowed in the room from the small window which was cracked open a sliver. Yet even with the cool wind coming though the window, the bars was undeniably visible giving the room a uncanny tone.

Jongin however wasn't noticing any of that as he was glaring at the ceiling. His mind mildly consumed with thoughts and feelings.

Cuts on your wrists won't kill you. Even if it did, so what
Cuts on others won't kill you. If it did, who cares

Jongin closed his eyes quick, attempt to will these thought out of his head. The medication in his system was mostly gone. Leaving him in a faint daze, allowing his natural mental state creeping back into play.

Just get a knife

At that Jongin jumped up from the bed. His heart beginning to beat faster from fear, he looked around the room frantically. Finally settling for the door, he walked out the room for something to do.

Just get a knife...

Jongin's speed increased.

~

Friday 25th March 2011

I met Kyungsoo today.

~

Jongin and Kyungsoo were still sat on the bench. Bread finished long ago, they simply sat and talked. Over time they seemed to have drifted closer together, knees slightly touching. Although both aware at the physical contact, neither had moved away.

"I hate this place" Jongin commented, turning head slight to glimpse the building behind them. Kyungsoo had his hands on his lap, fingers interlinked and his thumbs were rubbing against each other. Kyungsoo took a small breathe before speaking.

"I don't"

Looking away from the building, Jongin inspected Kyungsoo's face. One of his eyebrows were raised expecting Kyungsoo to be joking. Taking notice of the look, Kyungsoo let out a small huff of amusement. Tilted his head to the left exposing his neck slightly.

"It just feels safe...secure. Like nothing can get to me"

"You never felt safe before?"

Kyungsoo laughed, rubbing the back of his neck.

"You have no idea"

Jongin didn't reply. There meeting to recent to ask for more explanation. Instead Jongin's allowed them to fall into a comfortable silence. Their knee's still touching.

~

Jongin sat on his bed, back laying comfortably on the mattress. Eyes faced towards the ceiling though with numerous thoughts running through his head, Jongin barely resister that a ceiling was there.

It would be so simple

Jongin's fists clenched.

All it would take is a knif-

'Jongin'

At the interruption Jongin jumped a little, his shoulders tense as he lifted himself up to look at the door. Kyungsoo stood there, leaning casually against the frame looking at Jongin with wide eyes.

'Sorry to scare you'

Jongin relaxed at seeing Kyungsoo. Moving to his original position and closed his eyes. Kyungsoo walked slowly over to Jongin's bed, talking a seat on the mattress. The other man almost laughed at how timid his movements felt.

'Your company was good last time'

'Well you already made yourself comfortable in my room so I can tell'

'Sorry. Should I go'

'If I wanted you gone you would of left already

Kyungsoo smirked, his body relaxing at the ease of the conversation.

'You can come to my room sometime too'

Jongin opened his eyes glancing at Kyungsoo, a slight smile forming on his face.

'Maybe'

~

Many weeks having passed it was now late-May. The summer sun now beginning to show. Jongin and Kyungsoo sitting outside of the hospital building. Both occupying they same bench they meet on over a month ago. Both not fond of unnecessary talking and comfortable enough with eachother, they sat in a well known silence.

Jongin had one leg propped up on the bench. He was not looking at the pigeons like Kyungsoo was but instead looking at Kyungsoo's face. Having unconsciously adopted a new habit over the weeks Jongin took to knowing Kyungsoo, he was observing Kyungsoo's features. Taking note of Kyungsoo's side profile and his sleek jaw line. He also took note of Kyungsoo's slightly heart-shaped lips.

'It's rude to stare Jongin'

Eyebrows slightly raised in embarrassment, Jongin his lips and turned his head away. Not deciding to focus on anything else, attempting to ignore the blood rushing to his checks in vain. Kyungsoo smirked, his eyes were still on the pigeons.

'I don't mind though'

Jongin's blush darkened in shade and he shifted slightly, uncomfortable with his increased heart beat. Kyungsoo took this time to look at Jongin, laughing lightly at the tense figure of the young man before looking back.

~

Sunday 22nd May 2011

I feel like I am improving, though I could just be fooling myself. The voices are more like a whisper now. However it could be because of Kyungsoo's constant presence. Why does he have such a distracting face. No man should have eyes like that. Or lips...

I seriously did not come here for this.

~

A cool breeze filled the room, not from the window but instead from the fan in the corner of the room. Jongin sat up against the chest of drawers in Kyungsoo's room, his hands in his lap. Kyungsoo was on his bed, belly facing the mattress as he was laying his head on his arms. Jongin tilted his head look at Kyungsoo, not to observe his features but the curiosity on his face.

'You got any friends then?'

Kyungsoo's head raised from his position and glanced at Jongin in question, thinking for a second before replying. 'I don't really do friends. I've only one.'

'You seem fine with me'

Kyungsoo rolled to his side to face Jongin accepting the loss of the silence between them.

'Well I don't have to put up with pity or judgment from somebody messed up like me'

A smirk lifted Jongin's face as he took in Kyungsoo's words.

'Who says I am messed up'

'The doctors who put you here'

Jongin let out a laugh, leaning his head back on the chest of drawers. Kyungsoo laughed with him before raising an eyebrow at him.

'I never asked. Why are you here?'

'OCD'

Kyungsoo thought about that for a second.

'OCD? What you obsessed about?'

Jongin's smile left his face. Biting his lip his face contorted with worry at the sudden change of atmosphere. He shifted slightly to get a better view of Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo was looking at Jongin back, making full eye contact. Seeing the genuine interest in his eyes, Jongin decided to tell him.

'What is my obsession? Killing my self, allowing me to state change. I used to be terrified of dying, now I crave it. I would give anything to be sick from fear of death then sick of fear from wanting to die.'

Kyungsoo didn't react to the words. He just changed his position to face the wall.

'How do you live with that?'

'Well, when I think about and imagine what it is like doing it. Its as if I have these thoughts and feelings within my head. Computing my brain. And it makes me think. Death is just like jumping in a swimming pool.'

Kyungsoo raised a eyebrow. Jongin, aware of the confusion, sighed trying to think of what to say.

'Look, some people are afraid of jumping in the pool because they think it is the fear of the fall before you enter. But it's not. It is when you enter the water. It's the change. But people don't see it for what it is. Changing from one state to another. A state change. And that won't hurt you. It can't. Eventually I stopped being scared of a change of state. I have these thoughts and images of just me killing my self or somebody else. Convinced that no one should ever be afraid of a change of state. It terrifies me.'

Kyungsoo thought hard at Jongin's words.

'I have seen your room. It is messy as hell, so what do you do obsessively if you don't clean.'

Jongin laughed slightly at those words, running his thumb across his bottom lip.

'I check things.'

'Huh?'

'I check things. I check that there is no knifes in them house. I check that the kitchen cabinets are locked. I check if there is any sharp object anywhere near me. But repeatedly. It's like neutralizing the thoughts.'

'Why do you forget that you have checked?'

'No. I tend to have a good memory, that is why I can be obsessed. I am just not confident in that memory, that is why my obsessions becomes rituals.'

'I don't think that made sense Jongin'

Jongin laughed again, not having the energy to explain himself.

~

'I forgot to ask. Why are you here?' Jongin asked. They were both on the same bench outside, chucking uneven pieces of bread at the ground for the pigeons. Kyungsoo stopped throwing bread for a moment. Eyes frozen at the ground as he heard Jongin's question.

'I guess because I'm afraid of death to. Not because I want it...just cause I'm so afraid of dying I can't do anything. Simple things like leaving the house can't be done. When I touch that doorknob, fear sets in and I panic. Some days I am to scared to leave my bed. I call it a , though I have been told it is agoraphobia'

'How do you mange living like that?'

'I barley call it living. I do what you do. Avoid. like you avoid knifes. I make sure I never leave alone. And for the most part it pays of.'

Jongin laughed. 'If you think avoidance works than your more crazy than I thought.'

Kyungsoo took to flinging bread again, a smile tracing his lips.

~

Thursday 26th May 2011

Kyungsoo is more sensitive then I thought. He told me about his illness today. Though he acted like it was no big deal, I knew I was. When he talked his hands was shaking.

~

Sehun rushed out of Jongin's room. His face displaying a combination of confusion, annoyance and hurt. On his way out, he knocked into Kyungsoo. Stumbling slightly, Sehun looked at Kyungsoo, opening his mouth as if to speak. Upon making contact with the other mans face, Sehun closed his mouth quickly. Eyes squinting slightly and scanning Kyungsoo's face. Kyungsoo stood there frozen with a blank expression, looking at a fixed spot on the door behind him. Without a word, Sehun seemed to compose himself mumbling a quick sorry before walking away again.

Kyungsoo released a breathe he wasn't aware he was holding, looking behind him. After a few seconds he continued his way to Jongin's room.

~

Tuesday 26th June 2011

Sehun visited me. As expected we talked all about my messed up brain. He looked at he like I was actually going to stab him when I explained what was up with me. I don't even know why he asked.

If he thinks I am mad I can't wait for him to meet Kyungsoo.

~

'So you had a visitor then?'

Kyungsoo sat on one of the chairs in Jongin's room, his shoulders relaxed and arms placed on his lap. Jongin sat on the bed rearranging the class the clothes within his suitcase, his face portraying a slight look of annoyance.

'Yep'

'Sehun? That guy you mentioned before right.'

'Yep'

Kyungsoo squinted slightly looking as Jongin roughly handled his clothes. After hearing a frustrated huff from Jongin, Kyungsoo sat forward on the chair. Settling his chin on the palm of his right hand as he watched Jongin's actions.

'Something is making you mad. What happened?'

'Nothing'

'What did Sehun do?'

The younger man threw his clothes back in the suitcase and ran his hand through his hair. Jongin's eyes darted around the room frantically, sat still, trying to slow down his breathing. Taking notice to his distress, Kyungsoo sat back slightly allowing the subject to be dropped. He instead looked at the open suitcase sat in front of Jongin.

'Do you think you are leaving here soon?'

Jongin's eyes flickered to Kyungsoo's face, confusion evident in his eyes as dropped his hands from his hair. 'Pardon?'

'Why are all of your clothes still packed?'

Jongin looked down at the suitcase, slightly flustered at the sudden change in topic.

'Well this place ain't home. When my clothes leave my case everything seems to permanent'

Kyungsoo eyes scanned over Jongins face, his eyes appearing slightly glossed over despite being completely focused on Jongin. After a moment, Jongin's eyes diverted from the other man's, his tinted pink from the intimacy.

'My wardrobe is empty too'

Jongin's whole body relaxed, shoulders sagging. He let out a breathless laugh looking at the pile of clean clothes. Kyungsoo let out a little huff of laughter, his eyes still looking at Jongin's face.

~

Wednesday 27th June 2011

 

Sometimes it feels as if Kyungsoo can see right through me.

~

Instead of being outside, the young men were in Jongin's room. There they sat on the bed facing eachother, legs crossed. Kyungsoo fiddling with a envelope in his hands. Jongin simply watched him. Not embarrassed about it anymore, and also not acknowledging the fact Kyungsoo wasn't either.

Eyeing the envelope Jongin wanted to question it. The almost unnoticeable tremor in Kyungsoo's hands preventing him from doing so. Kyungsoo's eyebrows scrunched in a mix of fear and worry and he was bitting his bottom lip harshly which was a first for him. His cheeks were now red and puffy, tears drying on them. Despite Kyungsoo's turmoil, Jongin still thought he looked beautiful.

Attempting to comfort him, the younger man gripped Kyungsoo's wrist gently preventing them from shaking. At the touch Kyungsoo's breathe hitched slightly, his face lifting from looking at the letter, and looked at Jongin's face.

'It is a letter from my brother'

'Do you want to open it?'

Kyungsoo took a deep breathe trying to recollect himself. His knuckles turning pale white at then grip he had on the envelope.

'My brother should be dead, I want to burn it'

~

Wednesday 1st July 2011

I thought I was broken. Kyungsoo is shattered.