Title: 왜
Pairing: Jongin / Kyungsoo.
Rating: Mature (Currently PG-13)
Length: ? chapters (Prologue/?)

Chapter 2;

 

Thursday 4th August 2011

Kyungsoo still won't tell me about his brother. Has a panic attack at the word, only repeating that he is dead.

He still has the letter though...

~

Void of all clouds, the sky was a bright pale blue. Summer still taking its toll, the sun shone relentlessly at everything below. Including the two young men sat on the bench. Jongin had one of his legs propped up, a hand placed on the back of the bench where Kyungsoo sat. Beads of sweat ran down both their faces as they squinted their eyes at the heat.

'What did you do before coming here?'

Jongin's eyes flicked to Kyungsoo before shifting his body slightly. A small grin playing on his face as he rubbed his bottom lip with his thumb.

'Why do you ask so many questions'

'I want to know you better'

A sigh left Jongin's mouth as he removed his hand from behind Kyungsoo, sitting forward slightly resting his chin on his palm.

'I danced'

Kyungsoo eyes shot to Jongin's figure. Slight surprise shown on his face before slowly looking Jongin up and down.

'Figures'

'What do you mean?'

'You have the body'

Kyungsoo noticed the tinge of red showing on Jongin's face, smiling softly before mimicking Jongin's position to look at him.

'Was you good?'

'I was okay'

'What happened?'

'I got sick'

A moment of silence was shared between the two. Kyungsoo's eyes studied Jongin's face.

'Why dance?'

'Freedom I guess. When I dance I can be myself. Feel like myself. No voices or images inside my head. Sometimes it is better than checking for ing knifes every second'

'I understand the feeling'

Jongin turned his head to meet Kyungsoo's eyes before glancing at his figure up and down. With a slightly raised eyebrow he looked at Kyungsoo's face again.

'You dance?'

'No'

Kyungsoo leaned back away from Jongin, ending the conversation. His legs now stretched out he simply stared ahead of him ignoring Jongin's glance.

~

'Sehun's visiting again'

Kyungsoo looked away from his view and shifted on the bench to look at Jongin's face

'Your happy he's coming'

Jongin smiled as he looked at Kyungsoo back. The sun glaring the side of his face which Kyungsoo remained focused on.

'I want to see him someday'

'Someday' Jongin repeated in response as he took to looking forward, tilting his head back a bit to fully take in the heat from this sun. Kyungsoo still was looking at Jongin's face, eyes squinting slightly.

'I seem to have taken your habit'

Jongin's eyes flicked to Kyumgsoo's and forced his face to express the surprise as he realised that Kyungsoo was looking at him. Shifting slightly and breaking eye contact, Jongin looked away, a light rose coloring his checks. Kyungsoo's eyes scanned Jongin's face, a slight smirk his lips.

~

'Tell me more on your dancing'

'Nothing really to say. I wanted to be a professional so a trained and practiced and worked hard to get where I wanted to get. But my brain didn't want that and I had a breakdown before I could get anywhere.'

'When you get out of here, would you dance again?'

Jongin looked at Kyungsoo, slight fascination in his eye.

'I don't know. I am here now and with the drugs and therapy I am fine. The voices are whispers and I don't feel as bad. But even without the voice I am still restless. My eyes feel the need to check and that tells me all I need to know.'

'And what is that?'

'That a bucket load of drugs and a lifetime of therapy can't stop the thoughts forever. If I dance again I know that eventually the voices will speak up and instead of my eyes just wondering I will want to physically look. When that happens I am trapped again. If I dance again I know I will want to be the greatest but the illness in my head still owns me. I don't want to be labeled as OCD but I am, it's a part of me and I know that is going to prevent me from being a dancer. I don't want to restart a dream I know won't end well.'

'Your illness doesn't have to own you, not if you don't let it'

'Is that what you tell yourself'

'Yes'

'Do you believe that'

Kyungsoo looked away from Jongin and took a deep breath. The silence between them saying what Kyungsoo refused to.

~

Sunday 7th August 2011

Kyungsoo is wrong. My illness is not just owning me, it is me.

~

The window in Jongin's room was opened slightly, the sun light rushing through. A small fan in the corner gave little justice to the heat as it provided a weak breeze. Sehun lied on his back, phone in hand, on Jongins bed. Shirtless, Jongin stood in the middle of the room observing various tops.

'I could use an iron right now' Jongin mumbled inspecting the clothes in his hand and the suitcase.

Sehun let out a small chuckle, taking his eyes of his phone to look at Jongin.

'You know, tops don't get half as wrinkled when on a hanger'

Jongin's body deflated for a moment. His arms becoming dead and hanging at his sides as he looked at Sehun with a stern expression.

'I can't do that. Not at this place'

'What?'

'Sehun seriously, I would rather wait till I get home'

Sehun put his phone aside and turned to look towards Jongin.

'Really, Jongin why-' Jongin's sigh interpreted the sentence and he sat down next to Sehun.

'I would unpack my bags within the hour if I was at home now'

A tense silence was shared between them for a moment before Jongin went back to picking a shirt. Sehun still stared at Jongin looking almost pitiful.

~

Jongin had his legs stretched in front of him. His eyes constantly moving around the room observing the, now familiar, perfectly aligned bookshelves and pale orange paint on the walls. His journal, now appearing well used, sat on the middle of the glass table. The doctor sat on the opposite chair, his wrinkles not as prominent as he looked at the black book to Jongin's face.

Upon seeing the worn edges of the book, the doctor let of a small smile and leaned back on his chair. Now fully focused on Jongin, he took note of his frantic eyes.

'Glad to see you have made use of the book'

'I try'

Jongin now began to rub his bottom lip with his thumb. Worry showing on his face at the thought of questions that could be asked.

'See you made a friend. Kyungsoo'

At that Jongin's eyes stopped moving and stared at the doctor.

'Yeah'

'I have noticed you have spent your days together since he got here'

'Yeah'

'And that you have gotten a lot better since then too'

Jongin's thumb left his lip as his eyes diverted to a spot slightly behind the doctors bald head.

'...yeah'

Nothing else was said as the doctor gave a warm smile to Jongin and wrote something his note pad.

~

Wednesday 10th August 2011

Can never get over these doctors.

~

The two men were in Kyungsoo's room. Both deciding that it was time to unpack their suitcases, the day was spent of them rearranging their clothes. Kyungsoo was hanging has various jumpers and tops in the wardrobe while Jongin sat cross-legged on the floor placing some clothes in the chest of drawers.

As he picked up a pile of t-shirts from the suitcase a medium-sized yellow book fell onto the floor. Jongin noticed it, a look of confusion crossing his face as he went to pick up the book reading the front.

'You play piano'

Kyungsoo spun around, his eyes wide as he looked at the book in Jongin's hands. His body tensed up for a moment before Kyungsoo looked at Jongin's face. Relaxing slightly, Kyungsoo closed the wardrobe before sitting down in front of Jongin.

'I do'

'You any good?'

Kyungsoo smiled looking at Jongin. 'I'm amazing, so I have been told'

Jongin laughed a little, his long fingers flicking through the book. His eyes scanned the many notes in the book, some pages dotted with tiny notes on the side.

'Is this your job?'

'I just play with a friend'

'Chanyeol?'

'Yes. You do listen to me then.'

'Play for me some day'

Kyungsoo froze for a moment registering what Jongin said before beaming brightly at Jongin.

'Only if you dance along'

~

Thursday 18th August 2011

Kyungsoo is pretty amazing.

~

Jongin was laying back on his bed, the silence feeling uncomfortable with company. His eyes where not glazed over but just lazily looking at the ceiling.

Silence

Jongin basked in the lack of noise in his head. Relishing in the peace which he hasn't experienced in years.

~

'Why do you never get visitor's?'

Jongin and Kyungsoo were sat in Kyungsoo's room. Jongin sitting on the floor resting his arms and head on the bed as Kyungsoo lied on his front, face close to Jongin's.

'Who would want to visit me here?'

'Chanyeol? You said he was your best friend. Your family? Why does no one come to see you'

'Family is a joke. I don't see yours here either'

Jongin frowned and turned his head to look at the small window. His thumb rubbing his bottom lip.

'And Chanyeol.' Kyungsoo continued stretching his arms, 'I told him not to come'

'Why'

Kyungsoo said nothing and rolled on his back. Raising his hands above his head to see the sun light hit his skin.

'Because I don't want him to see me'

Jongin tilted his head to get a view of Kyungsoo. Noticing his trembling hands, Jongin turned around again and looked at the window.

'I told you avoidance ain't no solution'

~

The atmosphere was tense, the sound of Kyungsoo's heavy breathing filling up the room. Kyungsoo sat on Jongin's bed. His head placed between his legs, rocking back and forth. Jongin sat next to him rubbing his back gently, concern clear on his face. A white envelope was on the side of Kyungsoo, massively creased as if someone attempted to rip it. Kyungsoo's hands linked at the back of his neck, body shaking.

'You don't have to read them'

Kyungsoo released a shaky breath as he sat up before laying on his back, Jongin following suit. Both turning to face each other, Jongin looked at Kyungsoo's face in awe while waiting for him to relax.

'He won't stop'

Jongin refused to speak at times like this not wanted to make Kyungsoo shut down towards him. Kyungsoo sighed loudly and shifted slightly closer towards Jongin. Jongin tensed for a bit at the newly intimate presence before relaxing. Kyungsoo then grasped Jongin's shirt pulling his closer to him as he buried his face in his chest. Kyungsoo inhaled heavily, his limbs going more slack. After a few minutes, Kyungsoo spoke in a quiet and hushed tone.

'He is the reason I am sick'

~

Saturday 27th August 2011

I don't even know what me and Kyungsoo are anymore.

~

Jongin lay on his bed. Eyes not facing the ceiling but instead admiring the slightly older man in his arms. Despite the heat, the two men lay on Jongin's bed with their legs intertwined slightly. Kyungsoo gripping Jongin's shirt as he inhaled his sent, taking in the feeling of Jongin's muscular arms wrapped around his waist.

Even though this action was no longer a regular occurrence, Jongin's heart was still beating hard in his chest. Too scared and unsure, Jongin simply observed Kyungsoo's features like he normally does, breath hitching in his throat. Kyungsoo shifted slightly talking Jongin out of his daze.

'It's going to be fine you know'

Kyungsoo gripped Jongin's shirt tighter pulling him further into his face.

~

Friday 2nd September 2011

Finally let out of this place. I expected I would be jumping for joy at leaving. Finally a sense of freedom. But that look on Kyungsoo's face. It made me terrified just touching that door.

~

The walls were tight and closed off. Everything, although in the same place as before, appeared to give of a different feeling to Jongin. Sehun eyed the open suitcase from the floor before taking a seat on Jongin's bed. Gripping the ankles of his crossed legs, Jongin's eyes darted around the room in almost a state of panic, despite his breathing being steady. Sehun shifted slightly to get a better view of Jongin next to him, his face adopting a small frown as he seemed skeptical of his friends behavior.

'You don't like it here no more or something'

At Sehun's voice, Jongin relaxed slightly. Jongin now looked at Sehun, a neutral expression on his face.

'Just haven't been here for a while'

Sehun broke eye contact, glancing at the loose string of his jumper sleeve.

'You miss that guy don't you. Kyungsoo'

Sehun noticed the tensing of Jongin's shoulders at the mention of Kyungsoo. A small smirk placed on his face though it was hidden from Jongin.

'Yeah, he is a good friend.'

'I am a good friend too.'

Jongin sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

'I know you are'

'I can only get it if you tell me you know'

'I doubt just telling you is enough'

'But it is not for Kyungsoo'

'I don't need to tell him, he knows already'

At that Sehun stopped talking. Leaning forward to rest his arms on his thighs. Sehun's eyes darted to the still unpacked suitcase on the floor, his face contorted in annoyance and confusion. Tilting his head slightly he looked at Jongin again.

'You got back a week ago right?'

'Yeah...'

Sehun took at quick look at the suitcase before returning to Jongin's face.

' you. I know you think I don't understand your illness but I sure to hell understand that Kyungsoo must be ing home to you now. You would rather be with him now wouldn't you.'

Anger filled Jongin's faces as he shifted to look at Sehun better.

'What the hell Sehun'

'Bet you would ing unpack your then'

~

Sunday 11th September 2011

I know how hard he wants to understand, I really do. But he can't. He never seems to get that it's not physical, it's a feeling. I can't make him understand a feeling unless he feels it. And I never want him to feel it.

~

Jongin sat on a bench alone. A gentle breeze filling the park, a scarf wrapped around Jongin's face. His eyes glazed over as he looked towards the pigeons below him. His back east straight and his hands were sat neatly on his lap. The children playing not so far from him seems almost inaudible to the young man.

'Jongin'

The voice was almost unnoticed by Jongin but the unwelcome presence of the stranger trapped his attention. Diverting his eyes away from the pigeons he looked up at the older man standing next to him. The man had a strong jaw and a square face. His appeared to be fairly tall and wore a crisp black blazer with a white shirt and jeans. Jongin couldn't help noticed the mans vaguely familiar wide eyes. Jongin raised an eyebrow.

'Who are you?'

The other man simply let out a laugh and casually sat down next to Jongin. A silence was shared between the two before the other man turned to look at Jongin.

~

Tuesday 20th September 2011

I meet Kyungsoo's brother today.