AUTHOR’S NAME: W3ntchuuKrown

STORY TITLE: Into My Life
STORY STATUS: ONGOING
CATEGORY: NORMAL 
GENRE: ROMANCE, COMEDY
RATING: GENERAL

TITLE

The title is just fine. Simple but nothing impressive. I can imagine the main character accepting new people into her life. It’s just okay.

DESCRIPTION

The description is rather too short and clichéd, I suggest you hint the readers about the Ka-Talk to attract the readers to read your story. It’s actually an extraordinary attraction for your story. When I read the description, I was like, “Is this story is going to be the same clichéd story than I read on AFF.com? Well, I hope it is not.” The description has revealed that the story is going to be a clichéd one for sure – high school romance, teenage dramas, reverse harem [x], etc. That’s a major turn-off for your story. Fix that, okay?

FOREWORD

It’s fine for you to give the spoilers but don’t give too many spoilers or else the readers can guess the storyline and turn to another story. I can sense the drama and comedy of the story from the spoilers. I’ll give you cookies for that. Nevertheless, I can see some grammatical errors in the foreword. You should fix that because it can spoil people’s impression on your story. It’s okay for you to write a short author note and important notices to the readers. Now, you said that it’s more preferable to read on a computer than mobile because of certain issues. For me, I prefer to read the stories on mobile because the screen is smaller so, my eyes won’t hurt from constant staring at the screen. Besides, mobile is handier than computer or laptop. I mean, I can read while lying on my bed. Maybe we can fix on the issue in further sections. Don’t worry, okay? Furthermore, from the reviews that you get from others, I can smell that this story is going to be a clichéd one but unique somehow. The Ka-Talk theme is actually holding the reader from turning away from your story.

FIRST IMPRESSION

When I clicked on this story, I was like, “This seems like another clichéd story. Ka-Talk theme? Okay, I’ll try first.” The colours that you used for the story is nice and not an eyesore like some stories are. I tell you, actually I’m quite attracted to the background image. It’s really cute and shows that you’re serious about the Ka-Talk theme. I like it! Nice job!

I’ve a suggestion. Why don’t you improve the poster? Perhaps, you can organize it and insert Ka-Talk emoticons or gifs? Good luck!

PLOT

The plot of the story is clichéd. To me, it’s fine to write a clichéd story but make twists and turns in the story to wow the readers. The Ka-Talk is a good one. I’ll review the plotting by chapters. In the Characters chapter, perhaps, you should notify the readers to wait till the page is fully-loaded but it might take some time and bored the readers, especially those with slow internet connection. I have a suggestion. Instead of putting pictures separately, why don’t you make it into collage for each character? It’ll fasten the loading because there are less images.

In chapter one, I think it’s kind of absurd or a guy to suddenly come up to a girl and said that she’s his ideal type and wanted her number. I know you want to make them knowing each other and exchange numbers or anything but try to make a different scene which is more realistic. Maybe you can make it like – Taehyung put a piece of paper with his number under the cat. When Sunhee picks it up, he whistles at the girl and smiled. This is just a spontaneous suggestion. I know you can think of something better. In chapter two, the chapter is all about the conversation between BTS members solely. So, I’ve not much to say about it. In chapter three Sunhee meets up with the seven members. Not much happens in this chapter either. In chapter four, not much happens here but I have to say this. I like the conversation between Taehyung and Sunhee. It feels real. In chapter five, you do not notify the reader that the P.O.V has changed, so I was confused at first. In chapter six, the idea of some y girls is super-duper clichéd. However, when Haeryung looks afraid about the rumours, it’s quite a little different idea. And again, the idea of a y girl bullying the heroin is oh-my-god-I’m-so-done clichéd. You could just set up a new fresh idea of Haeryung snatching the phone in some other ways. In chapter seven, I have to admit that I kind of smile while reading this chapter. Actually, the idea of Haeryung meeting up with Taehyung instead is a different one. I wished you would write it longer but never mind. In chapter eight, it’s mostly about their group chat. The idea of a girl staying over at a house of teenage boys is kind overused and odd. I mean, which parents are going to let their teenage daughter to sleep in a boy’s house, especially when they are away? Even though they are friends, boys still have lust over girl. Realistically, the idea is ridiculous. In chapter nine,it’s just about Chanyoung and Bona’s love quarrel. I’m not saying much about this because the couple is just a minor pairing in the story. It’s a good random input anyway. In chapter ten, it consists mainly about the conversation between Sunhee and Taehyung. The chapter is quite short. I’ve nothing to say in this.

GRAMMAR

The grammar is not in critical condition but not in okay condition too though. I think you have a big problem with punctuation. I suggest you to proofread your chapters before updating. For now, you should proofread every chapter and fix the errors. They’re just small mistakes but soon, it’ll become an irritation to the readers. In chapter one, it should be p.m. but not pm. You should put a punctuation, either (.), (!) or many more  at the end of sentences. You should know where you must put spaces or commas. Next, (~) is not a proper punctuation in writing stories. You should use (…) or (!). You should know the difference between its and it’s plus your and you’re.

WRITING STYLE

The writing style is just simple and understandable. In my viewpoint, I sugest you to change the Korean phrases used (e.g : mianhe) in the the story into formal English. It looks messy to switch language like that unless it’s very necessary. Next, I think it’s unnecessary for you to insert images (exclude the Ka-Talk conversations) between paragraphs. I know it might help the readers to imagine how the situations happen but do consider that some mobiles or laptops might take a long time to load. Sometimes, the devices might even become hanged. You know how annoying it is, right? Furthermore, I suggest you to capitalize the titles to make it more formal and serious.  For example, it should be ‘Their Usual Talks’ instead of ‘Their usual talks’. Next, I suggest you to remind the readers the conversation point of view based on the colours. For example, in chapter two, the conversation is in Sunhee’s P.O.V. Therefore, remind the readers about that. This is because not all the readers are going to remember those colours. Anyway, I’ve a few suggestions for you. Why don’t you write the Ka-Talk conversations with more shorthanded lines – LOL, TTYL, IDK, IKR, LMFAO, ILY, etc.? Using slang (e.g.: -kisser, da bomb, , klutz, etc.) will also give the teenagers vibe. It gives out the feeling of chatting. If possible, gives out the meanings, just in case someone does not know, at the end of the chapters. You can find more slang and meanings at englishclub.com [x]. Moreover, why don’t you add more emoticons (e.g.: (｡・//ε//・｡), (╯︵╰,), (⊙﹏⊙✿), (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻, etc.) You can find heaps of them at japaneseemoticons.net [x] It’ll give out the exciting sensation in chatting, as if we’re really chatting with BTS members. Ka-Talk stickers and emoticons also wouldn’t hurt right? I suggest you to write short author note on every chapter, just as an indication that you’re an alive writer. Communicate with your readers. It’s a good way to build up bond with the readers so that they won’t unsubscribe your story.

CHARACTERS

The characterization of this story is not well-developed. I think it’s probably because you use Ka-Talk conversations most of the times. Honestly speaking, I think I can understand Bona’s personality more than I do in Sunhee. Maybe you should describe more on their characteristics. Good luck on that!

FLOW

The flow of this story is really slow. It’s been ten chapters (according to the ones that I reviewed only) but nothing much happened. I can’t see where this story is going. You should put in more scenes in each chapter. Make the readers feel it worth the wait.

MIRRUE’s NOTE:

I’m deeply sorry if you’re offended by any part of the review and for the too-long wait. I’ve been quite busy for a while. Yesterday, I’m having problems with the spacing in aff.com. So, I need to retype everything back. I really love the theme of your story (Ka-Talk!) and it’s cute! I’ll be really grateful if you fix the errors and do some organizations on your story. Your story has a bright future. It’s true that it’s clichéd but someway, simply some way, it’s astonishing and noteworthy. It’s worth the read, really. I’ll give you lots of candy canes for the marvellous work and will be considering to further my read on the story. Along with this, I’d like to wish Merry Christmas to you and your family (if you’re celebrating it!). Comment if you’ve any dissatisfaction. You may unsubscribe if you want.

P.S: Don’t worry. The [R] at the chapter title means ‘Recommended’ not ‘Rated’. Congratulation! ^^

-mirrue-

“One’s work should not be graded by numbers.”