AUTHOR’S NAME: exoramen

STORY TITLE: 3 years back in time
STORY STATUS: ONGOING 
CATEGORY: NORMAL 
GENRE: FANTASY
RATING: GENERAL

TITLE

Why don’t you formalize it as ‘Three Years Back In Time…’? For numbering, authors usually spell out the numbers from one to ten. (e.g.: one, two, three, etc.). If it’s more than that, they write it out as numbers. (e.g.: 11, 12, 13, etc.). The reason I put the three dots (…) is to bring out the flashback, or sort of, feelings to the reader. It means we’re going back to the past. Anyhow, your original title is plain and kinda angst-y. I sorta can find out how the plot is going to be by just reading your title.

(However, this is quite a risky title because you’ve set the period for only three years; no further than that.)

DESCRIPTION

Your description is just okay, nothing impressive. You give the right amount of hints about your story to the readers. It’s just that try to make it more notable. Maybe you should enhance the writing style in your description. Make it more imposing to the readers; make people go, “Oh my, this story promises something enjoyable. I gotta read this!” Make it like that. I’ve a suggestion for the ‘angel’ in your description. Why don’t you name the angel? This might rouse the reader on how high your story could be. I suggest the angel to be ‘Hadraniel’ which is the Angel of Love. (I’ve a suggestion of plot on this angel). Or it can be ‘Hamied’ or ‘Michael’ which are the Angels of Miracle. You may search for suitable angel, fairy or whatnots at this website. [whisperingworld]

FOREWORD

Your foreword is fine. It’s good that you, at least, write a short author note to the readers. It’s good to tell them where you get your inspiration. That’s sorta hints, you know? Credits are important. It shows that you appreciate the ones that help you to build up your story. Maybe you can make a character slot, whereby you put up an image and the name of character. That should be enough. Other than that, everything is okay.

FIRST IMPRESSION

My first impression to your story was like, “Okay, this seems like a good story.” The string that ties the readers to your story isn’t very strong. Yes, I’m kinda like attracted to read the story but I can turn my back anytime I want. I hope you get what I mean here. Try to make it more impactful like BAM to the reader. Tie your reader with the description and foreword and knot it with your plot later on. Anyhow, your story did impress me a bit. Fix the flaw, okay?

(I suggest you ask the graphic shop to redo the poster because the fading looks kinda screwed. It’s odd to see number on the face.)

PLOT

Concept and plot are two different things. To me, plot is the way you describe the concept of a story. The concept of your story is good, really. I mean a concept of going back in time to switch everything is kinda unusual and I can smell the plot twist with Luhan and everything that are going to happen. It’s just that the scenes and points you use to build up your story is really clichéd. I tell you, I can find heaps of stories out there that have the same plot as yours. In chapter one, the pace is quite fast but don’t mind that because the readers already know Baekhyun is dead. However, the ideas of Baekhyun’s mom screaming and Hana having a drunkard father are just way too clichéd. You should find something new to build up the introduction of the story. In chapter two, not much of the story developed. Actually, I am quite confused of the rules in chapter one but I’ve understood it in this chapter. But don’t you think it’s weird for a girl to suddenly cry in front of a man? It’s totally strange to me, kind of ridiculous. In chapter three, not much have developed either. I think it’s silly to ask a stranger sit down with you. You said that he’s a cold person. I don’t think a cold person would stay. In chapter four, I am quite confused when the Future Hana asks for job. Doesn’t she is supposed to have the same face as the Past Hana? Won’t they freak out if they see each other? You didn’t mention that their faces are going to be different or whatnot. In chapter five, honestly speaking, I’m starting to think that this story is plainly ridiculous. They should have the same face because they are the same person. And doesn’t Past Hana go to school? In chapter six, not much developed here. I have expected right before reading the chapter that Future Hana is going to sit beside Baekhyun. The idea is extremely overused. The idea of ‘queenka’ and the gang bullying a new student is super clichéd. And the idea of the hero saving the heroin from being bullied is super duper clichéd. This chapter mainly fits clichéd ideas, seriously. In chapter seven, it’s mainly about her meeting and Luhan and at least, something develops here (about Luhan’s feeling). In chapter eight, I don’t have much to comment on here. Finally, there’s something that interest me a little about Baekhyun meeting Past Hana. In chapter nine, now something has actually happened. I can smell that Baekhyun is jealous over Luhan and Hana but what is the reason? In chapter 10, school project idea is awfully overused. I think in the end, Dara would end up with Kai (just a feeling.) Next, I kinda expected that Luhan will suddenly appear so, no surprise in that. In overall, your concept is really good but the points and scenes you use for the plotting make you no different than the groups of writers in AFF.com that like to write clichéd scenes. Seriously, the plotting makes the story looks clichéd, uninteresting and urgh when the concept (or original idea) is actually good. It’s such a waste, you know?

GRAMMAR

Your grammar is not okay (but not THAT bad). However, I’ll be honest. Your punctuation is really bad, seriously. I’m sure you (or your beta-reader) know that there should be a full stop (.) at the end of a complete sentence. Mind that, please. Next, you need to know where to put the commas. I don’t know why you always write a sentence without putting commas where they need to be. It annoyed me, really. You also need to know the difference between ‘borrow’ and ‘lend’. I suggest you proofread everything back and fix your errors. When you type for updates, type slowly and don’t rush things.

WRITING STYLE

Honestly speaking, I think you should do improvements on your writing style. Your story lacks of description. When I read, I feel like you’re writing just for fun. You’re not being serious in writing. Describe more of the scenes, please. Don’t lengthen the unnecessary dialogues. Next, I think you should emphasize more when you’re changing P.O.V. Make it bold or bigger font so that people can notice that. Please consider that some readers read the updates at night. In my viewpoint, the usage of Korean phrases (e. g.: neh, aniyo, gwaenchana, etc.) is not necessary. It makes your story seems informal to the readers. Don’t mind using that; the readers know you’re writing a story connected to Korean culture. We all know that. Use only one language in your story. Switching languages is kinda messy. Next, I think you should keep the alignment constant. I understand that maybe you’re trying to differentiate between Baekhyun’s texts and Hana’s texts but the color alone is understandable. It makes your story messy. In overall, your writing style is messy, really. I feel like you’re always rushing when you type the updates. Frankly, how do you even get the subscribers? I suggest you think more when you type the updates. Try to illustrate more and enrich your vocabulary.

CHARACTERS

Nothing impressive here, really. Baekhyun is cold, okay, but then, what? He is the hero of this story but I feel like Luhan appears more frequent than Baekhyun does. A cold person doesn’t mean he should not appear in story much. I can’t figure out Baekhyun much. You don’t describe and give more information on Baekhyun. About Hana, I can’t figure out what type of person she is. She’s like an ‘annyeonghaseyo’ girl in this story. About Luhan, I candidly kinda adore him at the beginning of the story but then when he starts to fall (or sorta) in love with Hana, I am like, “Okay, I’m so done with Luhan.” The other characters are not well-developed. Fix that, okay? More description, please.

FLOW

In my viewpoint, the flow is kinda choppy. Some chapters are just full of dialogues (most of them, actually) and in some chapters, things happen too fast for me to grab. I think the flow is slow in a fast way. You get me? Your story flows slowly even though you have reached chapter ten. I expected this story to have 50 chapters in max (according to the number of days) but it looks like it’s going to be more than that. However, everything in the story happens way too fast! Maybe it’s because of your lack of description.

MIRRUE’s NOTE:

I’m deeply sorry if my comments are too critical. I’m just being honest about your story so that you can fix up the mistakes. I hope you can take my advices. I suggest you to get a new beta-reader because the one you’re having doesn’t seem to help you much (I’m sorry!). Your story has a good concept but the way you describe the story to the readers can make people turn their back on your story. Why does your story is short-chaptered and less-described? If the reason is because you’re too lazy to type, then, don’t even answer my question. You have a good concept and a high number of subscribers. You should take that as an advantage to make your story a good one. I think you can see that my way of review is different than other shops. I’m a really straight-forward person; I’m sorry about that if I offended you in the review. I’m just trying to help; I don’t want the fame and karma. Thank you so much for requesting. Comment if you’ve any dissatisfaction. Don’t forget to credit my shop in the foreword. You may unsubscribe now if you want. :)

-mirrue-

“One’s work should not be graded by numbers.”