AUTHOR’S NAME: SapphireThorns12

STORY TITLE: Kiss the Blood off My Hands
STORY STATUS: ONGOING 
CATEGORY: NORMAL 
GENRE: ROMANCE / ANGST / CRIME
RATING: PG-18. Light and vulgar language.

TITLE

DESCRIPTION

I’m just okay with putting quote on the description. No comment on that. Somehow, I don’t understand why you write some words in red and some words in black in the description. It doesn’t ruin anything but I’m just curious. Your description is perfecto. You don’t give too much spoiler but you still tell some points about your story. Putting a trailer adds up to the perfectness. It might excite your readers to read the story. Next, putting up a simple character slot is also a good way to express more on how the story is going to be. Who knows, not everybody knows the faces of EXO (like me!) so, this is a good way to help them imagine things. Nice job done there.

(I’m curious somehow. Doesn’t it feel odd to knock on the door of a penthouse when it supposed to have a doorbell or something? I’m pretty sure a luxurious penthouse will have the security codes and all such things.)

FOREWORD

The Q&A section is a really creative way to attract readers. It’s simple yet conveys a lot of meanings and hints. Other than that, it doesn’t hurt to write author note to the readers. Actually, I prefer a story that has at least a short author note. It shows that the writer is conscious of the readers supporting him/her. The credits are all right. It shows that you appreciate others’ works in building up your story.

FIRST IMPRESSION

Honestly speaking, your story gives a good impression on what the story is going to be later on. This is a good thing because you can attract people to click on ‘Subscribe’ button and follow on your story. One thing for sure, you need to make your story as good as the description and foreword too. Don’t disappoint readers with lame story later on. In overall, your story really has a good impression.

PLOT

Your plot promises something good and un-clichéd. The plot engulfs the readers in confusion and perplexity that make them hunger for more of your story. In your prologue, it’s quite confusing but it’s still okay because you give answers to the readers in subsequent chapters. Good thing that it’s not too confusing or else the reader might gives up and unsubscribe. Now, that’s a good trick. In chapter one, you described everything well (though some seem pointless). I just feel like you don’t have to over-exaggerate on how perfect Ahri can be. To make it more realistic, the girl should have some flaws. However, I can feel how hurtful Sehun is feeling about the wedding. You’re quite good with words. You know how to pull one’s curiosity. In chapter two, now, that’s a quick plot twist though it’s very much clichéd. I think the idea of hanging out with another girl is kinda overused but no harm in that. At least, Taeyeon doesn’t act ty. The tattoo shop scene is somewhat a new thing to me. I’ve never read a story with tattoo shop as its setting. Other than that, I think the flow is okay. Not too fast and not too slow. In chapter three, I’ve nothing much to say about it. I’m just kinda disappointed when Ahri responded to any of Sehun’s intimate touches. I know that they were once in love but as a wife, I think she should be more conscious and responsible despite her husband’s cheating act with Taeyeon. Now, I can’t see their love as pure love because what they are doing is an immoral act. A little tinge of guilty might make it better, that’s my suggestion. In chapter four, there are many little surprises to the readers. I’m still confused whether the scenes are a dream or for real. However, nothing much to comment on this chapter (however, I think I know why Baekhyun hires Luhan as Ahri’s guardian. Hmm...) In chapter five, I’m pretty much amused that Sehun still stay in the house of a married couple. It’s quite a funny thing for Luhan to become a guardian but scratch that. I’m curious, someway, about the reason everything that happened (the marriage, California and etc.) In chapter six, I was quite confused. Do they wear shoes in the house (the wound-cleaning scene, which Ahri removed Sehun’s shoe)? If so, how come Baekhyun saw Luhan’s shoes outside the house? And one more, in chapter three, you mentioned that Ahri’s hair smelled of strawberry. How come the scent change to citrus on the very next day in chapter six? Maybe you can fix that unnoticeable mistake. By the way, do you know how does asthma attack occurs? Perhaps, you should describe more on that scene. Make it more suspense and full of tension. Go knock the readers off their seats.

GRAMMAR

I’m not a pro in this part. However, I can see a lot of small mistakes in your story. Just small grammar errors or spelling errors, probably just typos? I assume that it might be because you’re typing the updates at night, no? Your grammar is just okay; not in a critical condition. Make sure you know the difference between ‘you’re’ and ‘your’ and ‘its’ and it’s’. I suggest you proofread your chapters slowly and fix the mistakes. It might be small blunders but it might affect the flawlessness of your story. Take some time and fix them up, okay?

WRITING STYLE

Pretty much, I like your writing style because your way of description is not an average one, I’m sure of that. Nonetheless, at times, I think you are trying too hard to describe something in a high-sounding way. At times, I think you’re over-exaggerating, especially about Ahri. Next, you need to be cautious of your selection of words. I understand that you might want to enrich your vocabulary or simply not repeating the same word over and over again in the chapters; however, you should be fully conscious of the meaning of the words. Judge whether it is suitable or whether you can find something more suitable and appealing. It might take some time but trust me that you’ll improve much better in English in that way. I’ve been in your shoes before. Anyway, you writing style are good, seriously.

CHARACTERS

I’m not good in reviewing this part. I’ll just be honest about my opinions. Your story doesn’t stretch far enough for me to give a proper review on this. Every character in this story is fine and well-described. I can see how crazily in love Sehun is towards Ahri. It’s just that I think Ahri is too perfect. I’ll explain later in my personal notes. I think you should include Baekhyun more in this story (since he’s in your character list and is in the tagging). Remember, though majority is in team Sehun, I’m sure there’s still team Baekhyun out there too. Entertain them too! Baekhyun is not very much developed in the story. I don’t know his feelings in the story.

FLOW

Sincerely, to me, the flow is not choppy but quite slow. It depends on how frequent you update your story. If it’s frequent, then this should not be a big problem. However, if you seldom update your story, this might be a problem to tie your readers to the story. Just imagine if you haven’t update for so long. When you finally updated and your readers are so impatient to read your update, wouldn’t they be disappointed to read that the story doesn’t develop much? Yes, that’s it! Your story doesn’t develop much even when you’re about to reach chapter 10. I think the story still has a long way for the conflicts, and the denouement. I don’t suggest you write a story which has too many chapters. New readers might just give up (seeing that your updates are always long) halfway. Fasten up the pace, okay?

MIRRUE’s NOTE:

Firstly, I’m deeply sorry if you’re offended by any of my critical comments. I very much like the concept of your story. Now, I’ll explain why Ahri shouldn’t be perfect. In my viewpoint, readers want a realistic story not a dramatic story (where the characters are so freaking perfect). We all know nobody is perfect in this world. Ahri’s appearance (in the way you described her) is way too flawless and appealing. On the bright side, your story is a matured story in some way, you know? I like that. It’s kind of hard to find this kind of story. You have good plot, good characters, good writing style and quite a high number of readers. Improve for better to further entice your old and new readers. Keep on writing and writing. I’ll still keep in track of your story. You see, my way of reviewing is different from other shops. I don’t review for fame or karma. I simply want to help people and encourage them in writing. And I don’t judge something by numbers. I just feel like it might discourage the writers. Thank you so much for requesting. Comment if you’ve any dissatisfaction. Don’t forget to credit my shop in the foreword. You may unsubscribe now if you want. :)

-mirrue-

“One’s work should not be graded by numbers.”