AUTHOR’S NAME: wishing_on_a_star

STORY TITLE: STUPID ME
STORY STATUS: ONGOING 
CATEGORY: NORMAL 
GENRE: ROMANCE / ANGST
RATING: PG-12

TITLE

In my viewpoint, your title suits a comedy, fluffy or simply cute story. It’s like a girl whining to herself, “Stupid me!” after doing something. The genre is angst (as you told me) so, why don’t you find something sad or depressing? This is just a suggestion because the ‘Stupid Me’ isn’t all that bad. It’s still a good one.

DESCRIPTION

In my viewpoint, your description is too short to attract attentions. Maybe you have a point there to repeat the word ‘stupid’ in your description. Perhaps, to stress on the blunder that Yura did? Maybe you can add this to your description.

“I’m just his puppet. No more, no less.”

The ‘puppet’ here means Yura just follow with whatever Bambam asked her to do (including the first kiss). You should describe more on the description. Maybe you can hint on the fake boyfriend/girlfriend things?

FOREWORD

I think it’s just fine to write short author note to the readers. It shows that you write for the readers and not simply putting up your work online. In my viewpoint, I prefer authors that communicate with their readers instead of silencing themselves throughout the whole story. Who write the story? Robot, huh? I suggest you put up a characters slot in your foreword. Firstly, for the readers like me (not a GOT7 fan), I’m pretty much confused most of the times while reading the story because it’s hard for me to imagine the characters. Just an image for each character should be okay. A good depiction of the story.

FIRST IMPRESSION

Honestly speaking, I’m not attracted to read this story if I ever encountered it. Maybe the lacks of colors and description of what the story is about. Poster is a really good lure, you know? Sometimes, the posters that make people click the ‘Next’ button. Why don’t you decide on a good title (or just stay with the current one) and request a poster at any graphic shop? First impression must be a bombastic one to attract people to read your story (but your story must be an interesting one too!)

PLOT

In my viewpoint, the plot is unoriginal (but still okay!). I tell you, there are heap of stories out there that have the same storyline as yours. It’s okay to write a clichéd story but you need to have a mind-blowing plot twist or . That’s what will make your story different from others. In the prologue, you should describe more on the first kiss scene because I think this scene hold quite a big thing in the story. I can’t accept this line, you know?

'He had already warned me about this, so it was okay.'

Yura needs to have dignity as a girl. She shouldn’t just let the thing pass by like that! I mean like, that could be a ual-harassment. She should be MORE surprised since she’s inexperienced. Next, you mentioned that the point they kissed is to make Jungeun jealous. The problem is where is Jungeun to see that? Jungeun is absent and that flawed the storyline. Perhaps, you can make students snap their pictures or Jaebum sees it and tells her? It’s up to you. In chapter two, I like it when you mentioned Bambam’s real name. It sorts of give more information about Bambam to readers. For this line,

'The moment he stepped foot inside the studio, BamBam's fist came in contact with his face, taking me by surprise.'

This should be described more. The scene is too fast-paced.

GRAMMAR

Your grammar is not in a critical condition. Make sure to keep your tense constant. If you’re using present tense from the start, keep it constant till the end (except in special circumstances) and the same goes if you’re using past tense. Overall, the story is bearable. I suggest you do proofreading to fix the small spelling or grammar mistakes in your story. Other than that, everything is fine.

WRITING STYLE

I’m actually annoyed by the way you write names. Instead of writing ‘YuRa’, why don’t you write ‘Yura’ instead? It’s more formal-like and not messy. Next, I think it’s good to write simple English. Yours are just fine. It’s just that I think your story lacks of description and majority is dialogues. It’s hard for the readers to imagine if the story lacks of description. Describe the person, the scenes, the feelings and many more.

CHARACTERS

I’m not good in reviewing this part. However, in overall, I think it’s okay. It’s just that Yugyeom is pretty much a random person. Why don’t you fix his personality on one?

FLOW

The flow is kind of choppy. At times, the dialogues are so long but at times, things happen too fast for readers to grasp on what’s happening. Make sure your story flow steadily. Don’t make it too fast or else the readers might miss some important points of the story. Don’t make it too slow too or else the readers might  get bored and unsubscribe your story.

MIRRUE’s NOTE:

Firstly, I’m sorry if any of my comments are too harsh. I hope you can accept my advices. I still can’t see where this story is going. (You better make that clear). If you haven’t notice, I don’t give marks like most shops do. I think one’s work should not be graded by numbers. I hope you’ll continue writing and I’ll be tracking down your story (if I’ve time). Thanks for requesting. Comment if you’ve anything. Don’t forget to credit my shop in your foreword. You may unsubscribe now if you want. :)

P.S: GOT7 is not bad, meh!